GLAM

Thursday, 20 December 2012

Twenty on the Twentieth


Aloha Sprinklerinos,

Yes, it's that day again. The anniversary of my Mum's death. The 20th to be precise. Twenty whole years. Two decades. Almost 3/4 of my entire life. Woah that's a lot. 

I want it to be known that I'm not writing this to gain your sympathy or to be all woe is me. I'm writing this because I like to mark these things. Being a bit weird and anal and not missing these sorts of days brings me an odd sense of calm.



Twenty years is such a long time, a long enough time to get over something. It's long enough for my Dad to re-marry, my Aunties to form better bonds with their other sisters and for my Mum's friend's to loose touch. Occasionally one of them will bring her up in a conversation or make reference to her, but I feel like if I encourage this and really think properly about the loss I feel on a day to day basis, that I'll spiral into a terribly dark hole and not climb out again. I suppose you could call that normal grief but I'm not prepared to wallow in it or spend vasts amount of time feeling it, so back under the rug it goes. How very healthy.

On days like this I always talk about the lovely woman my Mum was. I always try and portray that even though people always say passed away relatives were special, she really was. She was the type that would lend a hand whenever it was needed (seriously, once a bus crashed by our house and before the emergency services arrived, mum had gotten most the passengers off the bus and laid them in our house. Our carpets were ruined with blood but she was given an award from the regional police), laugh when everyone needed a pick-me-up and make even the lowest people feel up again.

She had a steely determination and a wicked sense of humour. When we moved to Northampton, my Mum wanted an older house with character and era appropriate features. My Dad wanted a modern new build full of gadgets and mod-cons. As usual, my Dad won, but just to make her point, Mum filled it to the new build rafters with victorian-esque furniture and dark wood. It was rather a strange mix but demonstrated her, 'Ha! Take That'-ness to a tee.

I miss her everyday. Twenty years is such a long time to think about someone every single day. Sometimes I just see something that reminds me of her, or hear someone shout, 'Jane' and I look round. Other times I feel overwhelmed with heavy sadness, like a cloud passing over a mountain top until it's invisible and feel like I can't take another step forward. 

I was in Euston station a few weeks ago, standing on the forcourt waiting for my train's platform to be announced. I was standing there after a really productive day and I thought to myself, 'I would love to ring Mum and tell her the things I have accomplished today and tell her how proud of myself I am'. And then it hit me. It doesn't matter that I did something really well or clever that day. The last time we had contact I was a child. I was in lower school and my biggest worry was having my bookbag ready for the next day. She would never know that I grew up, started doing things on my own, take myself off to big cities, having meetings with interesting people and sustain my little life. She never saw me pack my own bookbag.

There will always be the people who say, 'I'm sure she's looking down on you'. I'm sure she is too but to be very brutal, it brings me little to no comfort and I think the people who say it feel obliged to say something comforting- I do it myself to people in the same positions! One day I'll say to them, 'Yeah, it's really shitty and I feel for you. I wish I could take the ache away but I can't. I'm sorry' and be done with it. Seems a little harsh though doesn't it?

It's raining today and I told myself I would go to the cemetery to say Hello and lay some flowers. I say this every year and never manage it. It makes me so angry to have to go to a florist to choose the nicest flowers I can find, knowing all I'm going to do is lay them on a bit of grass that has my own mother's bones beneath it. It shouldn't be. Flowers should be in vases, being adored or cherished or photographed (that's the blogger in me). I hate that my flowers have to say, 'I'm sad you're dead but to show how much I care I spent the most I could on flowers that I'll put by your headstone and leave there until the grave keeper comes and removes them and chucks them in a skip, but I love you'. It's not right.

When I get to the cemetery I freak out. I have a phobia of ghosts (don't laugh), so for me, a graveyard is horrific. I get there, park and think, 'Just get out the car and go'. The problem is, to get to her site I have to walk past about 70 other headstones. It's always eerily quiet. You might call it peaceful but I find it unnerving. On top of that, I have this fear that when I get there, I'll cry. Obviously, crying is fine and good for you and a release, but I fear that if I cry there I'll never stop. I'll just sit on the ground feeling angry that rather than looking at my Mum's lovely healthy face, I'm looking at a piece of marble with her name etched into it. It reminds me of her in hospital looking grey and with a turban on to hide the fact that her beautiful hair had all gone. It reminds me that she had hoped so desperately to have a private nurse look after her at home for just one day at Christmas so we could have those memories and that it never happened. It reminds me that I never got to say a proper goodbye and that now I'm sat, 20 years older with a Daughter of my own and I'm starring at a piece of cold marble and wondering how I will ever overcome this. 

I wont. 

I will just learn to live with a Mum shaped hole in my life and will get on. 

I'm going to mark today, acknowledge it and accept it as being totally shit. Then tomorrow, I will get up, put on nice makeup and be glad it's nearly Christmas and that I'm healthy and that I have a great Husband and Daughter and family and amazing friends. Two of my friends actually offered to come with me to the grave (knowing my fear of ghosts) and I was incredibly touched. If you're reading, 'tang'. :)

If you have a Mum, go and tell her what she means to you, or just give her the hug I'd like to give mine.

x

Diana Jane Pentland 1955-1992

x

PS- This post has not been re-read through or spell checked. I just wrote it as I thought it and that will do. I may well take it down in a few days, but it was therapeutic to pour it all out onto paper (screen). 

174 comments:

  1. It's posts like these that really make a reader (me!) appreciate who and what we have in our life. Thank you. x

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  2. I respect you so much for being able to write this post..you can tell how much you love your Mum..you are such a wonderful lovely person Louise. Lots of love. OX

    http://electricdaisies.blogspot.co.uk/

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  3. Aw Louise, btw you look so much like baby glitter in that photo, your mumma looks beautiful and sounds so amazing, just like you!

    Sophierosehearts x

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  4. This made me cry :'( I know there is nothing anybody can say but I am sending massive virtual hugs xxx

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  5. this is hauntingly beautiful and honest. there are no words that can comfort someone with this intense level of loss nor any amount of time that can heal the hole in your heart. just know that there are literally thousands of people out there that wake up every morning hoping for a new video or blog post - no matter how large or small you make a difference to others lives and that is something you should be immensely proud of!

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  6. I can relate to this post so much Louise! I lost my mum just over two years ago to ccancer. Even 2 years feels like a life time already and knowing christmas is coming up again without her is heartbreaking. Life is so so unfair at times but keep smiling because your such an inspiring person <3

    xxxxxxxx

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  7. My best friend lost her mother six years ago. Everybody handles it differently obviously but I think you have such a healthy outlook on things. Your positive outlook on things inspires me to do the same. So for that reason, I say take this day for you and your mum - whether you make it to the graveyard or not, just take today to remember your mum at her best. Sending you good wishes! x

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  8. This is a lovely tribute to you Mum. My friend's mum lost her fight to cancer 2 months ago and I can't even begin to imagine how she will feel so close to Christmas. I hope that you keep inspiring people because you always inspire me and put a smile on my face! x

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  9. This made me shed a tear or two... My mum had cancer too, but she made it through it and reading this made me appreciate it a little bit more as I started to think what if I was the one having to go to her grave. Instead, I get to see her in a few hours when she comes home from work and I'm home for the holidays too <3 You're such a great person Louise and your mum would be so proud of what her daughter has become!

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  10. Nearly made me cry :( I'm so sorry for your loss, it's a horrible thing to have to live without your mother. My mum lost her mother under horrific horrific circumstances when she was three, so I have seen first hand how it affects someone.

    Don't really have much else I can say, but you're in my thoughts.

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  11. Loise, I know the pain is different when you lose your mum over a dad, but I wanted to comment and say I am proud of you. Today is the anniversary of my dads death33 years ago.. I'm like you think of him everyday but have a hard time talking about him in fears Ill start to cry and not stop. I haven't really celebrated Christmas as an adult. It so happened that I didn't get blessed with kids. You have taken the time to honor your mum on this day but not let effect the wonders of Christmas . Thank you so much for posting this. It mades this day a little easier reading your post and how you are handling it. It sucks now and will continue to suck!!

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  12. Louise, this made me cry!!!!
    I lost my mum almost 9 years ago and I very much appreciate some of your comments you wrote in your post!
    Your mum sounds like a lovely and rather funny lady :) it's nice to sit back and think of the happy times, but its also ok to be down and sad!!! xxx

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  13. I wish I could write the perfect words to let you know how much I'm impressed by how you handle this but I can't seem to find the right ones so I'll try me best. I absolutely love your post, you're so genuine. Even though we can't do anything special living far away, not knowing what is best to do in this sort of situation friends go through, I think you've done so well, you talk about your mum without any embarrassment and it is so important because no one should be ashamed of missing someone or simply grieving. When my mum comes back, I am definitely going to hug her and let her know how much I love her because we should do it while we can. I promise I'll think about you. I think the graveyard is just a common place to grieve and take time to think about the past ones but you can do that from anywhere in the world. It doesn't have to be commonly accepted. Take time for yourself, for your mum and tomorrow will be different. It doesn't have to but you are a positive person so.. :) We don't personally know you but from what we know, we sprinklerinos love you oh so much :) x

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  14. I am in tears writing this comment, that is such a beautiful piece of writing to your mum. My nanny died almost 3 years ago, and I know it's not the same but I know this is almost exactly how my mum feels. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, but it's so lovely that you can think of your mum in such a happy way. It's okay to cry too. <3

    Elle xxx

    PS. Baby glitter looks so much like you from that picture too! Xx

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  15. You're an inspiration Louise, so touching xxx

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  16. Aww Louise this really brought a tear to my eye, I can't imagine what's it like to loose your mum, I recently lost a family member to cancer. It is an awful thing to happen especially near Christmas, also this day is 12 years since my gran passed away so I feel kind of how you feel but I guess it's not the same as loosing your mum. Xx

    http://thesecretblogger1830.blogspot.co.uk/?m=1

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  17. Such a very lovely tribute of a beautiful woman!!! You've done a great job and you know you are allowed if you wish to wallow in grief, sad if it makes it better, cry when the tears are near and miss her like crazy, if you wish!! After all, I must say you appear to be quite NORMAL and sometimes these things are just being ourselves!! Love your blog and give your hubby and Baby glitter a great big Christmas hug from all of us!!! <3

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  18. Aw this is so sweet louise! My mum died when I was little too & it's good, not meant to offend I didn't know how else to put it, to see a Youtuber and blogger that I adore go through the same as me. :) xx

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  19. Beautiful, beautiful post, brought me to tears. Your mum sounded like an incredible woman xx

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  20. I know how hard it can get sometimes Louise. On the third of this month it was 17 years since my Dad passed away. Unfortunately I never met him, that could be viewed as a blessing in disguise - to never know what you're missing. But I feel like I miss out on much more.
    Take pride in the fact that you're a wonderful mother yourself, you now know first hand the love she had for you.
    xx

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  21. There is nothing I can say really so.... xxxxxxxxxx

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  22. Louise. As soon as my mum comes home I'm going to give her the biggest hug. I do this everyday, but this time it's because it's going to be from you to your mum, because I simply cannot imagine it. This is making me choke back tears, so I'm just thinking about how your beautiful little girl has the blessing to see you everyday, and she's the luckiest little girl in the world. Because she possibly has the best role model in the world holding her hand. And I know that went off on a bit of a tangent, but that's just what's going through my mind right now.

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  23. Thinking of you and your family on this sad day. I know there can be no words of comfort as my husband and I lost our twin boys 7 weeks ago today and nothing eases the pain and sorrow. It was lovely to hear about what a wonderful woman your mum was. xxx

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  24. Big Internet hugs. I know it's not much but hugs are my go to response for everyone.

    Your Mum certainly does sound like an amazing woman, and it is lovely that you have so many special memories of her.

    My Nan has a similar thing about flowers. Every year on both my Grandads birthday and anniversary she buys beautiful flowers, and has them on display in her home. She always makes a point of showing them to me and my sister. I think that is a beautiful way to honour someone. Especially as you say, if they are next to a photo of them at their most beautiful or happiest.

    Looking at the photo of you as a baby - you can see just how much Darcy looks like you. And hearing about your Mum, I don't know if you realise it, but you are a lot like her - you also bring a huge amount of joy to so many people's lives and make your sprinklerinos smile when they're feeling down. It's beautiful - stay strong Louise, we're all thinking of you. xx

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  25. For the first time ever a blog post brought a tear to my eye. I am lucky enough to have never experienced the loss of a parent but the way you wrote about this so honestly and eloquently was really beautiful.

    I also loved your post about friendships - you just seem like such a very lovely person and any girl would be lucky to call you a friend.

    Your blog is ace. Clare x (www.sparklysexycool.com)

    PS, you also have the most adorable daughter! x

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  26. You know what, I could pour my heart out to you here and explain how sorry I am for you. You have had a lot of people do that for you and although I think you would appreciate it instead I am going to do this (what I am about to describe I am actually going to do, if anyone walks past my window I am going to look mental, also I know how completely mental I sound right now.. here goes) I am going to close my eyes as hard as I can (and risk the wrinkles!). I am going to think of all the love I have for my family and the happiness that surrounds me. I am going to imagine that this is something that I can send around the world to you, then I am going to fling my arms out (as if I am sending it off) and send all my love, happiness and positive thoughts to you, all wrapped up in a hug.

    I just sent you a warm fuzzy and hopefully it is zooming around the world to you right now. I know its mental, and really it is nothing, but hey, maybe on the other side of the world you might just get a moment where you feel a little warm fuzzy for no reason. Worth a shot right?

    Much love xx

    P.S Baby glitter looks so much like you! and this post was lovely, sad, but lovely!

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  27. Thank you for reminding me to appreciate every second. xCx

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  28. I admire your strength and honesty Louise.
    Your mum would be so proud at how much of an amazing person you are :) xxx

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  29. She sounds like an incredible person. Big hug and kisses lovely xo

    Nafisah xo

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  30. The raw emotion in this is both beautiful and heartbreaking. It's difficult to even put it into words, but the emotions your feeling may mean you still have a great connection to your mother, and that should never be a shameful thing. Many thoughts with you x

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  31. I nearly cried reading this. So, so sorry even to this day for your loss. I know what you mean about graveyards though I'm the same, yet I still feel bad for not going. Lose/lose situation. I hope you can get through today and then look forward to Christmas with your own baby girl :)

    http://www.la-vida-fresa.com/ xo

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  32. I'm so sad to read this, but it really did make me realise what I have so thank you. I always have reasons why I shouldn't fly all the way back to Japan to see my parents but I do it every year even if it's for 2 weeks because I know one day I'll wish for that extra 2 weeks with them. I'm sure Baby Glitter will say wonderful things about you the way you have to your mom some day, and that's exciting :) Big hugs.

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  33. Thank you for writing this, and for making me feel normal for still grieving a little on a day to day basis for the loss of my dad (which happened 11 years ago - thank you again for your lovely note when I wrote about it in july)

    I too have moments when I think 'my dad would love that', for example i once met his favourite comedian at work and found myself telling this guy 'my dad loves you, we used to watch your show together' to which he said 'tell your dad i said hello then' and I knew that I couldn't, but I still really wanted to and for a split second even thought 'i'd like to give him a ring to let him know about this'

    You are very brave for putting this out there, I won't say I know how you're feeling because it's different for everyone, and as much as I find it to be a bit of an empty statement when people say it to me - I'm sure she would have been proud of you xx

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  34. It was really nice of you to share this with all your readers, Louise. I think today you should hold Matt and Darcy tight, and not worry about flowers or whatnot. In the end, it doesn't matter.

    Lots of love,
    Erica

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  35. You are so brave for putting your grief out there, I know so many people who bottle it up and it's not healthy. I take my hat off to you Louise! I am sorry for your loss but have a read through all these comments of people saying how you have helped them and you will know that your mum will have been as proud as punch :)

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  36. This Post, despite being about a very sad topic, was really lovely. It is very nice of you to talk about your grief so openly - it is also really brave of you. So thank you louise - sending you my love and hugs :) xxx

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  37. I lost my best friend when I was 17, only 7 years ago, and I think about her every day too. It is completely shitty and the ache never leaves. I even lived with her for some time so we were more like sisters than friends really. I mark the day in a similar way but I won't visit the site in which she died. I can't face it. It was really brave of you to write this. THANK YOU. It's helped a lot of people, including myself, to realise that anger is normal when it comes to late loved ones. Hugs!

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  38. This has brought tears to my eyes, such a beautiful post! I lost my dad to cancer 5 years ago and like you said, as much as we put on a brave face and carry on with our lives, that loss is always there but we just learn to cope with it. for me it's thinking about what he's miseed in my life, and how his last memory of me was as a 15 year old girl in a school uniform not a 21 year old woman. Such a touching post, hopefully today won't be too upsetting for you. hugs xxx

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  39. Thank you for your honesty and I truly am sorry that your mother passed. I love your first picture. She truly personifies a proper British woman, and I'm sure she was just as lovely. :)

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  40. Don't remove this post because it is you being you....open and honest. Reading this has made me feel and know that I'm very lucky and I wish everyone could have that such luck, but I suppose that is not how the cookie crumbles for everyone. Just remrmeber the good memories and think in time you will meet again xxx

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  41. I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I'm sure your mother would be proud of the woman and mother you've become.

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  42. This is just... I'm crying right now. My grand-dad is going through cancer right now, he's got only 3 months left and I can't do nothing about it.
    Hope you'll be feeling better soon. Wish you and your family happy holidays:)
    Lots of love
    xxx

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  43. A beautiful post Louise written from the heart as some of the best pieces are x It was 10 years for my dad in November and so many things you say apply to me too Much love to you today and always xxx

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  44. I admire you so much for posting this Louise, believe it or not, it took a lot of strength and it's good to let your feelings pour out every now and then.

    If I were you, I'd take one of your friends up on their offer, you should go to grave and allow yourself to do whatever you want to do, you don't even have to take flowers if you don't want to. I think going would be very theraputic, but that's just me :)

    I literally read this and rung my mum to tell her I love her straight afterwards, I know you probably don't appreciate me telling you that but I just wanted to let you know that your post had an effect on me.

    I've been suffering for 16 months with panic attacks and anxiety after finding out my mum had breast cancer (she's 100% fine now thank god), and something about this post just made me say "No, to hell with this!" I'm sick of living my life in fear and dread all the time because of the anxiety, as cliche as it sounds, you only get one life and you should give it 110% and enjoy the ride while you're on it. My

    Thank you for your honesty in this post and don't remove it, it's a part of you and you should never be ashamed of that.

    I know it gives you no comfort as you've said .... But I believe your mum is watching over you and she'd be so flipping proud of her little girl.

    xxx

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  45. This is obviously a horrible day for you Louise, but I really admire your strength in posting this <3 I think it's good to be able to talk about how you feel

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  46. Oh Louise. I have no words to write that would cheer you up, because I've never lost anyone except for a few pets (which was hard enough and I do not want to imagine how it is to lose a parent or grandparent or someone else who's close to me until I really have to think about it because it's actually happening)...

    But I can tell you that people like you, talking brave and very open about their stories, make me appreciate my family a bit more and help me to open my eyes and see how very lucky I am, and I thank you for that. You don't have to share, but you do, and I thank you.

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  47. Hi Louise,

    I watch all of your videos on youtube and adore your positive energy. I lost my own mom 10 years ago in August - I was freshly 18.

    You are totally right about having a hole inside of you that may never be filled again. No romance can take its place. I'm sure being a mother has made you even more sensitive to the bond you lost. It truly is something that stays with you your whole life.

    Thinking of you on this anniversary.

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  48. this was beautiful Louise, lots of love, thinking of you today xx

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  49. This is beautiful, a lovely fitting tribute to your mum, hugs ooxoxoxoxo

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  50. This was really sweet Louise. All your subscribers know you as the happy, bubbly, vivacious girl off YouTube, I think sometimes its easy to forget that you're just a normal girl and have had your own fair share of sadness in your life. We all know life isn't all sunshine and buttercups, taking a few minutes out of my day to read this post has made me appreciate my mum that little bit more. Thank-you :)
    Gemma xxx

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  51. Your mum really does sound like she was a truely inspiring and amazing woman. Sending you lots of love today <3 xxx

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  52. Thank you for this post. It is incredibly, brutally honest and yet somehow beautiful. I learned a long time ago that all I can say to someone who has suffered a loss is nothing but "I'm sorry". So, I'm so very sorry for your loss. I'm so impressed by you and I feel priviledged to have read this blog post.

    Much love from America,

    Amanda

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  53. I literally just cried the whole way through. You are so strong, Louise, it really is incredible. It's posts like this that really make me appreciate what I have. What a lovely tribute to your mother.
    Ellie xxxx

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  54. After reading your little bit about having a fear of ghosts and not wanting to go to the cemetery i thought to myself id love to take you there and help you through it and make it something not to be scared of and then i read the rest and it seems you have a wonderful little network already, you are very strong to have written this i couldnt write this about my grandad as id find it very hard, you are very brave well done you louise :D have a wonderful christmas and new year xxxxx

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  55. I've never been through something like this, so I can't begin to understand the pain you must feel from losing your mum. It sounds like she was an incredible, inspiring woman, and I'm sure she'd be so happy and proud to see you today and all you've achieved. This was a brave, beautiful post and it just makes me look up to you even more than I already do. xxx

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  56. Thank you for sharing this with us Louise - it was beautiful and heartbreaking to read.
    Lots of love
    Hannah xxx

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  57. As you know, there are no perfect words, and it is just really shit and I really feel for you. If I could I could take the pain away and give you a 'day off' just one day I really would xxxx

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  58. Don't you look like Darcy Louise! I'm sure you're mums having a whale of a time :)

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  59. I know the pain you speak of and I admire you tenfold for writing this as you did. Raw, heartbreaking, true, and emotional. You are wonderful Louise and you spoke not only wonderful words about your mother but to all of us that have that twisted sickness and loneliness still inside because of losing someone close to us. I hope you have a very merry holiday and exciting new years. Much LOVE!

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  60. Thank you for sharing. You know we watch youtubers and read bloggers posts, but we never get to know them and where they've come from. You are such a strong beautiful woman and I really appreciate this post.

    My boyfriend's dad died two years ago and every year on the day, we think about him as well. I think it's a nice way to honor the people that we love in our lives, and honor their legacy and impact on us.

    Kaitlyn
    misskaitlynmallory.blogspot.com

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  61. Brought a tear to my eye, this is the most hauntingly beautiful thing ever. You're my inspiration and I thank you so much for your positive outlook and this post. I imagine your mum was a incredably woman and I can picture darcy to be like that some day. xx

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  62. Thank you for sharing this with us. Such a sad yet beautiful way you described it all <3
    My sister got a heart attack on the 25th of December 2006, they brought her back to life after 45 minutes but she was already brain dead.. the doctors didn't actually know that she was as brain dead as she was, so she was in the hospital for about a month. Then she died the 2nd of February 2007...
    I kinda feel the same as you about going to the cemetery. I don't wanna go either, it just feels.. wrong. And the thing about them "looking down on us" I don't like that either, I seriously don't wanna be looked at. This might not even make sense but I hope it does..
    Again, thank you... as much as it helped you writing it down, it helped me as well x I wish you all the best!

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  63. Hi Louise. I've never commented on anything you've written but this compelled me to chip in.

    I hope you feel better tomorrow, you really deserve that. Your honesty is refreshing and I hope you at least got some relief from writing your feelings out.

    You wrote about flowers seeming like a waste. Just a suggestion, but tomorrow, why don't you buy the nicest ones you can find, and put them out at home for you and your family to enjoy? Although as you say your mum never saw you grow into the woman you are now, I am absolutely sure that she at least wished for you to be as intelligent, honest and positive as you are.

    Maybe you could look at the flowers and take some comfort that you're enjoying them, just in that moment, as she'd have wanted?

    x

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  64. Touching and beautiful story Louise, thank you for sharing. You are such an amazing, strong and gorgeous women, I'm sure you got that from your mum and I know you will pass it on to Darcy!

    Lots of love and Merry Christmas!

    Rose

    http://rose-libertine.blogspot.com

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  65. such a touching blog post to read. thinking of you at this sad time, xx


    beauty-iao.blogspot.co.uk xxx

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  66. Louis, you're such an amazing person, you're an inspiration to me, and I'm proud of you for staying strong, life goes on. I'm 100 percent sure Baby Glitter has the best mum in the world. I'm sending you a massive hug right now, because sometimes a long-lasting hug is better than words :)
    x

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  67. This is a beautiful post. I hope you don't take it down. I can't begin to understand the pain you feel from losing your mother but my own mother lost her mum at 21 incredibly suddenly and without the chance to say goodbye. It's been 42 years and it still effects her every day. I am so sorry that you lost your mum so long and this post has reminded me to call my mother and tell her I love her.

    I know your mum is looking down on you and I am certain that she knows of all you have achieved and is infinitely proud of it all. xx

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  68. Your mum sounds like one of the most hilarious people ever! It's so shit that things like this happen to good people, and although she can't see all the incredible things you're doing, Darcy can and she'll be inspired to be just like her mummy :)

    A big hug from the other side of Northampton

    xx

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  69. thank you so much louise for this.. it's posts like this that really help me appreciate the things in my life that i should be making the most of - important things, like family. I can't begin to even try to understand how you must feel on this day every year but know that you are an inspiration to many, many girls - both younger and older in the way that you keep smiling and follow your heart.
    liv xxx

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  70. They made me tear a lil because I thought of how much I really love my mom(like you do). You are a strong woman, Louise! Take care!!! :D

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  71. So much love and respect for you, please stay strong xxx

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  72. This really got me teary eyed! It really made me appreciate the people I have in my life no matter how annoying they may be at times! Your Mum would be proud and so will Darcy when she can understand what an awesome Mum she has! Xx

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  73. this is such a beautiful post, louise. i'm glad you let yourself write all this down, even if it doesn't stay on your blog. i know i always feel better when i write things on my mind down. your description of your mum really reminds me of you, you both were and are such special people and baby glitter is lucky to have you!

    sending you a huge virtual hug and keeping your mum and family in my prayers today :)


    http://therosyfreckle.blogspot.co.uk/

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  74. Dear Louise,
    your words made me feel so emotional, I actually had to cry. The worst thing that can happen is the split of a family - in every possible way.
    I don't actually know what to say now because I'll never find the right words but I just hope that you hold your head up high being a positive person just like you seem to be in your videos.
    There are / were too many people, who deserve to live but we can't make them. :(

    Lots of love and stay strong! :)
    xx

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  75. read this with a lump in my throat, what a lovely heartfelt post this is. we all love you louise xxx

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  76. This was really sad. You are so strong and brave, Louise. Sometimes, I watch your videos for a pick me up because your and incredible and positive person, I feel like I know you and it's upsetting to us to see you like this. No matter how many good things are in your life right now, she was your Mum and she sounds like a wonderful women...
    I feel the same about cemeteries... I hate them, I don't think it's a good way to see or speak to somebody you've lost (oh, and fake flowers are brill in winter).

    You're an inspiration and we love yah for it :)
    Merry Christmas and have a very happy New Year!

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  77. Hi Louise, I lost my mum when I was fifteen on 25th Nov 1998, it's been hard as only someone who has experienced it will know. What I find hard is not knowing her as an adult I was 13 when she became ill so we never went out for a coffee and talked about boys etc and when I had my daughter in 2011 it brought back a lot of the anger I felt when I first lost her, about how unfair it was, my dad is great, but a man and he doesn't understand as a mother would, I like the mark the day my writing her a letter and then I put it in a bottle and throw it into the sea at our favorite beach near my childhood home, and then try not to cry all day if anyone speaks to me and shout 'she should be here' its tough and I appreciate you sharing your feelings as I believe it helps others to know. At least now our precious little ones put a different spin on Mother's Day and I know now how it must of been for them to leave us so early. Much love to you

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  78. That was heartbreakingly honest. Thank you for reminding us never to take anything for granted.

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  79. This is beautifully written and sums up how I feel too. I lost my mum two years ago after a four year battle with cancer. There's not a day goes by I don't miss her and it's the small every day things that can be the hardest to deal with not just anniversaries. It astounds me when people think " you must be over it by now'! People deal with loss in different ways and I too would avoid a cemetery for fear that the overwhelming emotion wouldn't stop, not to mention that it brings back painful memories of the funeral. Only you will know how you want to remember your mum or mark an anniversary and sometimes having a bloody good cry and getting angry is just what you need and other times just getting on living your life feels right too. For all those missing a loved one or going through the shit times I hope you find your way to get through it. Have a Merry Christmas and best wishes for the new year. XX

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  80. Dear louise,thank you for this beautiful post. i know that fear of thinking you might never stop crying if you start,that your sobs might break your heart...literally.but when i allowed myself to cry uncontrably in the end it mended me.now don't get me wrong there is still a hole and i still wonder what might have been but i can honestly and truly say that it is ok without feeling like i am bottling something up. Once all your tears are cried you will be able to live with a hole and think it is ok.promise.that said i am sending lots of strength and best wishes.

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  81. You are such a strong brave young woman and by the sounds of it, a complete reflection of who your mother was, you are so kind, so loving and a brilliant wife and mother.

    It is important for you to have your day, you are entitled to it, i always have a day when i grieve my baby brother.

    Keep the memories of your very pretty mother alive and what an inspiration and role model she must have been

    thinking of you and your family at this sad time...but tomorrow is another day so keep smiling! :)

    xxxx

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  82. Your mom sounds like she was a truly amazing woman, and I'm sure she would be proud of the amazing person you have grown to become.

    Your post was beautiful! xx

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  83. Louise,
    You are so, so right. My father died 18 years ago. I share your ache that he never knew me as an adult, never knew my children. I appreciate your honesty. It is shitty. And it stays shitty but we move on nonetheless. Best to you and your family.

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  84. Thanks for being so open Louise! I am lucky enough to not know what you are and have been going through. And sometimes it seems better to remember someone by looking at a nice photo instead of that cold piece of marble.

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  85. I can relate so much it was the anniversary of my dads death on 10th December, it never gets any easier it breaks my heart he will never meet my daughter, they would be the best of friends. Ive just got really upset reading this post and thinking about how much I miss him so I can't really come up with anything meaningful to say right now so im just sending lots of love and hugs xxx

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  86. It is so important to mark the sad things as well as the happy, we can edit our lives so much online to make them seem "perfect" but thank you Louise for being brave enough to remind us that that simply isn't so. At least not all day, every day.

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  87. Thank you for writing this, there are not enough people who speak about loss so openly. I can really relate to this, my dad passed away 8 years ago & I find it's always nice to mark his anniversary as a day to remember the few but special memories I have of him. I hope today wasn't too difficult for you, lots of air hugs heading your way! xoxo

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  88. I cried reading this, I'm so sorry you feel this way Louise,I do too, my dad died when I was 11 and we were so close and people don't understand why it still upsets me or why I still care! I'm 19 now and I still think about him every day and I often feel sad or angry that I didn't get to say goodbye or that I didn't get to say that I loved him.
    He will never get to walk me down an isle or hold my first born baby, He never got to see me grow from a child into who I am today and it's heart breaking.
    You have to drag yourself from feeling that way, put on a brave face and try your best to carry on.
    You're an amazing mother to Darcy and if your mum was still here she would be so proud of you and how your life has worked out the way it has.
    Know that my thoughts are with you and go and give Darcy a big squeeze! you might not be able to give your mum a hug but make it so that Darcy can give her mum an extra one!
    xx

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  89. She certainly taught you a lot, as you are a wonderful mama. I'm sorry she's not here Louise. Becoming a mum this year has made me realise how special my own mum is. The old cliche is true - she would have been bloody proud of you. x

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  90. I was so engrossed in this blog post i couldnt find my car keys and got drenched in the rain! So beautifully written i felt like you were just telling me exactly how you felt, pure unrehersed honesty. You come across as a great mum and im not writing beacause i think you want or need sympathy, but because i love your blog and sometimes like you say, people forget to say the nice stuff in life when its due. Big love xxx

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  91. You are so brave, she would be very proud of you for that too. All my love xxx

    www.tinytwisst.blogspot.com

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  92. You are an amazing woman and this was a beautiful piece of writing. Thank you for reminding all of us not to take things for granted.

    xxxxx

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  93. This made me tear up a bit. My older brother died when I was 8. It is a terrible thing to have to face loss at such a young age. No matter what anyone says, these things never "get better." It's just become easier to trust that, even with a mother or brother-shaped hole in your heart, the sun will still rise again tomorrow. All we can do is take it one day at a time. :)

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  94. I so admire you for being able to post something this personal. You are such an inspirational person and I hope that all the comments on this post make you realise that. Have a great Christmas x

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  95. I feel all teary Louise! My Mum is one of the most important people in my life, she suffers from Bipolar, and although shes been well for three years now (knock on wood), I've almost lost her a good few times to attempted suicide. I thank the stars every single day that she was unsuccessful, and I let her know just how much she means to me on a daily basis. If I don't see her, I call her.
    I'm so sorry that your beautiful Mum was taken away from you so cruelly, I can't imagine how it must feel. I really hope you find a little bit of comfort in how much of a wonderful Mum you are to Darcy, and how lucky she is being able to give you cuddles in the morning!
    Considering you have that Mum shaped hole in your heart, you still have one of the biggest and kindest hearts I know of. Love you lots Louise, sending lots of cyber hugs your way on this shitty day.

    Leanne xxx
    seeking--serendipity.blogspot.com

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  96. This is so honestly written. Your post really spoke to me because my father died six years ago, and sometimes I need to have a day where I just dwell on how much it sucks. There is that hole in my life that will never be filled, but I am grateful for those in my life who fill up the space around that gap.

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  97. Times like this leave me a little speechless, like you say people say 'she's looking down on you' and all that but nobody can TRUELY tell you what you are going through, or that they know how you feel because although there are people who have lost their mum, their experience will never be the same as yours, they'll never hurt like you do because to tell someone how you truely feel is impossible I think.

    Your post was truely lovely to read and as a reader of sprinkle of glitter it makes me feel quite honoured that you share things like this with us, just keep doing what you're doing... you're doing great :-)

    Jade | Beauty Butterfly Blog

    xxx

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  98. I can totally relate- I lost my dad to cancer 15 years ago. Even though my mum remarried and I've been lucky to have a great stepdad, I still wonder what it would have been like to have had my dad around me when I was growing up and the relationship we would have had.
    Such a beautiful and moving post xxx

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  99. I didn't know you had lost your mom at such a young age.... Loss is something that we never get over, it just settles in till one day when you think back. I totally understand the wave of grief and anger that you feel can overwhelm you.

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  100. Such a personal moment but so lovely of you to share it with us. It was a very touching post and I may have gotten a little teary towards the end. Xx

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  101. Thought I'd let my Cleanse & Polish sink in a bit while I caught up on some blog reading...big mistake. I now have tears streaming down my cheeks. This was such a sad yet beautiful post. It really was such a nice tribute to your mother. I really don't know the right words to say other than I'm sending you lots of hugs and good thoughts right now. I hope you and your family have an amazing Christmas xo

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  102. You look so much like your mum, and Baby Glitter looks so much like you!
    You really are an inspiration Louise, and I´m sure your mum is so proud of you.

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  103. Hi louise i follow your blog long time, but never really comment anything..Probably because English is not my 1 st langauge and I really dont like to think did i make some mistake writting it etc..But i just wanted to say I know how are you feeling..I have lost my mother before 7 months ago,and really there is no world can describe how do i feel...She was perfecr healty untill one day, when we took her in hospital, doctors had wrong diagnose and she was gone in 7 days..It even hurts more when u know that she deid because of somebodies mistake...
    I miss her so much, and will always..There are no words i can write you to feel better, because i know how shitty is, and all i wanted to send is a lot of huggs and love...

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  104. Such a lovely piece lou, made me so sad but smile at the lovely memories- it makes us realise how much we take for granted xxxxx

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  105. This was a beautifully honest post. I have so much respect for you.

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  106. Beautiful amazing post.. Love you lou couldnt funtion properly without you videos and blog.. An darcy is the image of you in that picture Matt has no claim on her anymore ahah xxxx lots of love

    http://jeaniexox.blogspot.ie/

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  107. Thank you for sharing this with us, L.
    Your Mum would've been so proud of you and the lady you've become.
    I'm going go to go call my Mum now.... This was overwhelming to read, can't even imagine how you feel.
    Big Hug <3

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  108. Hi, Louise...every time I read something you wrote about your mom I can't help the tears from falling. It touches my heart so deeply and though I have my mom with me and the thought of not being with her scares me to death even writing it here...I can only but imagine what it must feel like. I have lost dear ones and we did have a roller coaster of a year (2012) part of it being my mom was ill and was at the hospital for almost a month. The pain of separation remains I can surely say that and you still have times that you wish you could hold them, talk to them, hug them, just simply smile with them no matter how long it's been and you cry knowing there isn't anything you can do to be around them again. In the meantime new bonds are formed and we learn to carry on "without" them and that's the hardest part of life. You've done well and you're surely a role model for all of us. You've triumphed over some ugly days and you've certainly made a beautiful life for yourself. On a much lighter note I thought I'd add, I've seen all of your videos now...its taken me awhile with work, studies and life happening. I hope you never stop making videos. You've come a long way, keep doing what you do best! with much love and respect, Le-Ann

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  109. This is me sending whole hearted understanding and love from me to you. I lost my mom almost three years ago. It is a very soul crushing thing. One of my sisters had just had a baby, one of my sisters was pregnant. Not even a month after her death I got pregnant with my second child. Us four siblings now live in memories and miss her so much. She has 5 beautiful grandchildren, I would love her to see and share. I feel defeated some times, wounded in a sense. She was my best friend and confidant, a beautiful human that left this earth way too soon. At the same time of her passing of caner, my mother in law was dealing with the same exact thing. As much as I hate to sound crude, but I wish it were her. My mom took care of herself and pride in herself. My mother in law is a sad person who has many health problems. I have watched you for a long time Louise, you are a great person. I'm just letting you know you have a similar person in the world with similar things in common who understands. Hugs from the U.S. Kristin Sorry to ramble.

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  110. it´s a wonderfull and very touching post. it´s not easy to lose somebody. i lost my grandfather. he was old but that doesnt mean it is easer. i miss him so much.
    so i wish you the best and hope its getting easer one day..sometime time doesnt heal wounds..

    greetings from germany
    anna

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  111. Louise, you are one of the most inspiring people on the internet. You have so much strength and optimism, it's just so refreshing and beautiful to see and read. It's so strange because over the last couple of years, watching you on youtube and reading your blogs, it's like, and I'm sure many people feel the same, that I've got to know you. So when reading posts like this, I just feel like I want to give you a great big hug, like I would with any friend. My thoughts are with you, keep smiling xxxxxxxxxxx

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  112. You are so inspirational! I have been lucky in that I have not lost anyone super close to me but I like these things to be reminders of how I should treat those close to me because you never know when they will be gone. I also just wanted to say that I love watching your videos- I have literally watched every single one. You are funny and uplifting and positive and it is so refreshing. I am 18 and go to college in the States and I absolutely love it but sometimes i do get down and miss my family but your videos always make me feel better!:) Thanks for just being you! As Oscar Wilde would say "Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken". My thoughts and prayers are with you during what I know must be a difficult time. Stay strong and know that she is up there seeing all of the productive things you do:))

    Shelby B.

    P.S. Darcy looks just like you when you were little!

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  113. Louise you are absolutely incredible, and I don't think it gets said to you enough. Your mum would be so ridiculously proud of you, and I'm not just saying this for the sake of it, but because I'm so proud of you, a complete stranger that you have so lovingly shared you life with. You should be proud of yourself too. That you've grown up to be so similar to your loving mother, and that you are such a great mother to Darcy. That you are brave, and you are strong and you are such an inspiration to people all around the world. You're the one that brings a smile to my face when I've had a down day and I just want to lie in bed and do nothing. I watch one of videos, or one of your vlogs and I feel better about myself. You're the one that makes me think twice, when I think I just feel so fat today, I remember 'no. I am a curvy girl, and curvy girls do it so much better'. You're the one that inspired me to go back to church and turn my life back to Jesus. I love that you are so energetic and just so happy. I truly hope that one day my life will be like yours, and that I will be as good of a mummy as you are to Darcy, and that I will be able to inspire girls from all walks of life, young and old, from just being myself. I guess this comment is a chance to say thank you to you. I won't ever be able to relate to your loss, I do not thank God enough that I have never had to experience any loss, let alone a terrible one like yours. All I can say is thank you truly from the heart Louise for making my life a brighter and better one. I am so thankful that I stumbled across your youtube page, and subsequently your blog. I send you all my love, and hope that you know just how proud we all are of you. Including your mum. xxxxxx

    taisha - http://taishamazoe.blogspot.co.uk/

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  114. Really beautiful post Louise. I've found myself appreciating my parents so much more especially as my Mum was a year younger then me when her Dad died and with all my cousins getting married I remember how she didn't have her Dad to walk her down the isle so it makes me realise how precious my parents are. You are strong and as bad as it sounds it's nice to see you're human. You always seem so perfectly happy but I'm glad you took a day to mourn it is so natural and so normal. I'll say a little prayer for you tonight. Love your video's and blog posts. Even though I might not comment each time I really do love them and you are such a great influence on me making me smile is just amazing. Lot's of love, Alice x

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  115. My mum lost her mum at a young age, Lousie this was such a beautiful post and you can tell your little girl has such an amazing and strong mummy and she is lucky to have you, I'll say a prayer for you and your family. I know days like this can be tough and I'm a random stranger on the internet, but reading this really moved me and I'd just like you to know that your mum would have been so proud of what an amazing person you are

    lots of love

    http://alittlebitunique.blogspot.co.uk/

    x

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  116. This was a beautiful post, and really touched me. I can't imagine how your mum couldn't be proud of someone who turned out as amazing as you have.

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  117. It's so weird that the 20th is your Mom's death anniversary, as it's my grandma's birthday. She passed away when I was 5 and my mom was 33. It's been 23 years since then, but my mom still feels it every day. And for whatever reason, I felt it especially yesterday. Not because I missed my grandma much more than I used to (I can't remember her anymore, sadly) but because I just can't imagine what it would be like to not have my mom. And even more sadly, I know that I will have to one day. And it terrifies me. But reading this post has helped me. That you can be this amazing after going through something like that. That you can come out the other side and still be happy is inspiring. I know your mom is proud of you and all you have accomplished.

    My mom is the same. This year, she chose to be happy on her mom's birthday. Chose to remember her kindness, selflessness, humor, grace. And you do the same. You both are amazing people!

    Anyway, I don't know you but I wanted to say thank you and let you know what you're doing really matters. And know that you're inspiring people, the way your mom did. :)

    Giant hugs to you from America!!! Stay lovely!

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  118. This is the most beautiful letter I have ever read. You've reminded me to count my very lucky stars. Thank you for the reminder, and I wish you and your family a very Merry Christmas.

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  119. This just so beautiful, and pure. You're amazing Louise, and I know your mum is looking down on you beaming with pride at what you've achieved. Oh and of course, laughing at your BRILLIANT YouTube videos!!
    Keep smiling xxx

    Gemma xx

    www.missmakeupmagpie.com

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  120. You just made me realise how lucky i am to have friends and family who love me andd my grandad dyed just a month befor i was born and i know it is not teh same at all but it makes me sad that i didnt even get to know his funny and caring personality.

    Ill be thinking of you and i hope you have a wonderfull christmas with your husband and beautifull daughter.
    Love from Germany Xxx

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  121. Oh Louise, this post made me shed a tear :( It's nice you still think of her everyday and it's obvious how much you love her. Hope you can get through this time okay and have a lovely Christmas with your family.

    Amie xxx

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  122. I know your pain hun, I lost my Mum 3 years ago and it's bearable now but only if I don't think about it! There are still days where I could happily sob my heart out all day, but you just have to carry on :( sending lots of love to you Louise! xxx

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  123. My Dad lost his mum at a similar age and your letter brought a tear to my eye, beautifully written and your Mum would be extremely proud of how well you are doing in life. Lots of love, Hollie xx

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  124. You are a Beautifull person Louise, inside and outside:) and your mum will be Very Very Proud of you for sure

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  125. this inspired me to recontact my Mum. I moved in with my dad a long time ago and refused to speak to her.
    Thankyou for this Louise, from me and my Mum.
    If your Mum could see you, she'd be so full of pride and wonder for everything you've done.
    xx

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  126. Dear Louise, I am sure your mum would be so proud of you!!! I am sending you strenght and love <3 you are so blessed to have your family..:)

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  127. This bought a tear to my eye, your mum sounds like she was an incredible woman and did an excellent job raising an incredible daughter. xx

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  128. This made me very emotional, and I intend to go straight to my own mum and give her a massive hug. I'm sure your mum would think you are an amazing woman and that Darcy is beautiful, and just like you judging by that photograph!
    xx

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  129. Thankyou for sharing this Louise, your mum really did sound amazing, and things like this just remind me to appreciate family that bit more. xxx

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  130. Louise,

    In February this year my dad died suddenly of a heart attack.
    It feels like it was only yesterday I saw the life slip away from him and everything since has been a horrible blur. There's no pain like it.

    I've never felt so low in my entire life, but I have been a subscriber to your YouTube channel for a while now and your videos always make me feel slightly better in the strangest ways. I didn't know you had lost your mum until I started reading your blog a few months ago.

    I just want to say I genuinely admire you and the way you are so positive and make effort to be happy and do things in your life. In the most bizare way, I'm inspired by you - a person who I have never met in real life, but a person who I watch online.. strange huh?

    When my dad died I went to my blog and wrote a piece for him. Some might think I'm heartless for doing that - writing when I should be grieving, but I had to write everything down because I was so scared I'd forget anything.
    http://hashtagmylife.blogspot.co.uk/2012/02/tribute.html

    More than anything, I miss everything we'll never have together. I'll never have my dad give me away or hold his first grandchild. That's why I bought myself a Canon last month, I don't want to miss or forget another memory.

    I'm sorry this is a bunch of rambling and doesn't make sense, I hope you get the idea...

    Take care xxxxxxx

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  131. This is such a beautiful post, Louise!:X You are such an amazing person! Big, big virtual hugs!>:D<

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  132. bless you louise. you are incredible.

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  133. Such an inspiring post xxx

    http://jeminixlife.blogspot.com

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  134. Louise, I wish I had to words to make you feel better, but I also know, I don't have them words. You had me in tears because of this post, and it made me think so much. Im only 14, but if my mum left, I don't know what i'd do. You should just be proud of yourself for getting through this, and your mother sounds inspiring, and incredible. It doesn't matter that you cant go to see her grave, its not her grave that matters, it's her life. You don't need to go to her grave to celebrate her life, you can do that from anywhere. She would think 'what a beautiful daughter, and granddaughter I have' Hope your okay Louise! xxx

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  135. Louise this could possibly be one of the nicest and heart warming posts I have ever read on a blog, shed a little tear its honestly beautiful! How proud your mother must be x

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  136. Such a lovely post xxx

    ravingbeautyx.blogspot.com

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  137. Losing my mum is genuinely one of my biggest fears, which probably sounds very silly because I know I should just treasure the fact that I'm lucky enough to have her in my life.
    For something that happens to so many people, death is so so difficult to cope with. I think that everyone would agree with me when I say that's something you've done very well with your fantastially positive attitude!
    Love to you and your beautiful family this Christmas x

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  138. You're an incredible role model Louise. Little Darcy is so fortunate to have such a wonderful Mum.

    Stay strong.

    I hope you had an incredible Christmas!

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  139. Thank you for writing such a beautiful and heartfelt post. Life is too short not to tell people how you feel and this really comes across in what you said. I admire your strength x

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  140. Louise this is so beautiful. I am in tears. I am blessed that my parents are alive and healthy but they live in Australia and I miss them dearly. Reading this makes me appreciate my mum that much more and even though we don't see eye to eye all the time I know that I can't stay angry with her because I am lucky to have her.

    I think it's beautiful that you have such lovely memories of your mother and that you cherish them. Life does suck and the world is a harsh place at times but you are blessed with darcy and your husband and you need to keep positive and strong for them. X

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  141. Wonderful, wonderful post Louise. You have a beautiful heart. I am sitting here at my desk with my eyes briming with tears. There is nothing anyone can ever say to make you feel better. My fave ever quote is actually from Harry Potter. I feel like it comforts every person that has lost someone dear to them and i always remember it.

    Its when Dumbledore says to Harry:

    ' You think the dead we loved, ever truly leave us?'

    Your mum lives through you.

    xxxxx

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  142. Louise, you have just summed up perfectly how I feel about my Mum, who passed away on the 13th Dec 8 years ago.

    As I have now moved from my hometown (and haven't lived there for over 5 years), I always feel the desperate urge to go and visit her graveside on certain days like the anniversary of her death, christmas, her birthday etc. When I don't go, I always feel an immense sense of guilt, that i'm not doing enough for her. My husband always reminds me that the fact that I think of her every day is way more important, and that I shouldn't feel bad for not doing special things on these certain anniversaries of what could have been, as these are not the things I should focus on.

    Reading your words has made me smile, laugh, cry, and just overall help me to realise that what my husband has always told me is right, and that she is always with me. You are so lucky to have such a wonderful husband and daughter. I got married in the summer, and I can honestly say that it was the happiest time of my life having my lovely family with me to celebrate. I can't wait to have what you have though; a little family of my own and trying to be as great a Mum as I had when I was little.

    I love reading your blog so much, thank you!!

    xxxxx

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  143. You are such a role model not only to your daughter but to all your avid readers. Stay strong Louise.

    I didn't know your mum passed away on the 20th of December. One of my closest friends, her brother was murdered on the 20th of December in year 2004. To this day I remember him and their family in my thoughts and prayers that day. From now on I will also remember your mother, the beautiful soul that brought you into this world. We are so privileged to have you in our lives.

    God Bless
    xoxox

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  144. I haven't been reading your blog long but have grown to really enjoy it (as well as your youtube page and Zoe's blog. I don't normally comment but felt like I wanted to for this post. My husband lost his mum about 15 years ago - it still hurts him every day. We try to talk about her and their good times a lot. I find it incredibly sad that our daughter will never meet her or spend time with her. I feel sad every time we have a life event (getting married, engaged etc). Life is so heaven and hell sometimes. You come across so well rounded and I applaud you for that, I'm sure your mum would be very proud of you. xxx

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  145. Aw, that was so touching. I can't imagine what I'd do without my Mum, but it's great that you've made me realise this, so thanks. And you may not get over it, but you're handling it well, so keep it up and smile :) x

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  146. Along with everyone else, I just wanted to add that this was possibly one of the most beautiful and touching posts I've read on a blog. Words cannot accurately express what I truly wish to convey to you, but if this isn't too creepy, my heart wishes to hug yours.

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  147. Despite being a longtime reader of your blog I have never commented before, but I found this post so moving and emotional that I felt compelled to. You write with such refreshing honesty and true feeling - it is clear it comes straight from the heart. You seem like such a lovely, kind and talented soul and Darcy is very blessed to have you as her Mum. I wish you and your family every happiness in the new year. x

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  148. beautiful post louise. your mum sounds like a really incredible person, i cant even begin to understand your loss but i want to send you my love and let you know that i will be praying for you xx

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  149. This is honestly one of the most touching things I've ever read. I can't even begin to comprehend your grief and loss as I personally have a very close relationship with my mother. Your post has given me a very important reminder to cherish her and her life every waking moment. Thank you very much.
    I don't know you personally, but reading through your blogs and seeing your relationship with your daughter and husband I'm sure your mother would be bursting with pride.
    Hope this new year brings you growing peace and solace x

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  150. I really admire you Louise your beautiful inside and out xxx

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  151. Oh dear, I know exactly how you feel Louise! My Dad died when I was 6, I miss him so much everyday too...

    You are such a beautiful and from what I can tell strong women! You should be very proud of yourself, and I'm sure Mumma Glitter would be/is too

    xx

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  152. I don't know what to say really but I've just read this & it's touched me so much. You seem like such a warm, amazing, funny person & you're so strong, you're a true inspiration Louise xxxxx

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  153. Aww Louise. I wish I could give you a hug. My mum was diagnosed with cancer a couple of years ago but she was a lucky one that managed to fight the god awful disease. I can't imagine what it would be like to lose her. Lots of love <3 xxxxxxxx

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  154. Your mother sounds like an amazing and beautiful woman. I'm sure she would be so proud of the woman you grew up to be. You are a strong, thoughtful and wonderful person, Louise. I'm sure one day when she is a little bit older, Darcy will look up to you and think you are so special, just as you think about your own mother. Wishing you all the best xxxx

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  155. You wrote that bloody well.

    No nonsense and from someone who also misses a parent, I was nodding along as I read it.

    Except for the ghost bit. ;)

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  156. Just recently discovered your blog. I want to keep reading all day but that isn't possible with my wild 9 month old daughter. My dad passed away 11 years ago and every year on November 13th I write on my blog about his passing. Sometimes I wonder if people find it annoying that I always write about it but I find it therapeutic so, oh well. I just wanted you to know that I was touched by this post and I want to give you a hug. You are such a beautiful person and I adore all that you say/share.

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  157. I'm sobbing my eyes out right now after reading your account of what it feels like to lose your Mum. Next time I see my Mum (I'm at university so I don't see her too often), I really will think about these words and really appreciate what I have.

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  158. my mum passed away when I was 8 and I saw her in hospital and she told me to help her but there was nothing I could do and I feel so guilty even today 5 years later.. love your blog xx stay strong :)

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  159. Louise, this post is hauntingly beautiful and it's so amazing that you felt you had to write it all down. I know I never knew your Mum but she sounds amazing and she (as we all are) would be so proud of you and all you have done with your wonderful life

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  160. I have only just read this post, and I don't usually cry when reading something or watching something, but this was different. I was deeply touched by this, and I feel so awful for you, especially after watching your Draw My Life video on YouTube and finding out what happened afterwards. Stay strong Louise, she would be so proud of all you've achieved! xxx

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  162. My best friend recently lost her mum after a long and tiring battle against breast cancer. I was very close to her and for I had moved to another country only a few months before her death, I could not even say goodbye properly. I felt really guilty because my best friend and I would visit her in the hospice every day, sit, talk and laugh with her for hours, trying to make her last days as joyful as possible besides all the pain she had to withstand. and then I just stopped being there for my best friend and in a way also for her mother, even though I would think about and pray for her every day. I am so very sad that she passed, and sometimes I just sit down and cry, reminding myself of what a great mother I have and what a great mother my best friend lost. Both of those facts make me incredibly sad.
    Your post touched me very much and you found such beautiful words to describe what your mother meant to you. The relationship between mother and child outlasts even death, and although she is not physically there anymore, you will always remember her as the amazing woman she was to you. There is no common or general way of dealing with this tragic turn in your life and it makes me so much happier to see that you have found those amazing individuals in your life to help and support you during those very hard emotional times.

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  163. Only saw this post now. I lost my Mum to cancer as well, it has been 15 years now and the pain did not go away... I'm 22 years old, so, when she died I had 7, I was very little but it hurted as hell! Some days will be better, some days will be worse but remember that she is looking for you as my Mum is looking for me :) she is proud of you, I'm sure.
    This post touched me and made me think about my Mum and how much I love her even though she is not here. Just make sure to cheerish every single moment you will have and had with Baby Glitter.
    Just wrote this comment to let you know that I know what you feel when some times of the year arrive.
    Love, Rita

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  164. I feel like crying after reading this. My dad died in 2000 - I was 8. It was always dad & I and mum & my brother and I lost my father, my best friend and the main influence in my life all at once. Losing a parent is so hard, especially when you're so young. I spiralled into depression, had anger issues and attitude problems. I'm 21 now and every day I think about if the way I'm living my life would make him happy or proud. And what he would think and how my life would be different if he was still here. - Oh crap I'm crying. - I recently graduated university and I didn't go to the ceremony. That was for a numerous amount of reasons such as my fear of going on stage in front of people but mostly it was because he couldn't be there. He never will be at a major life event like graduation or my wedding and he'll never get to see his grandchildren and they'll never know him (if I'm lucky enough to have kids). It's not right. Kids shouldn't have to suffer and grieve like that. Your parents are supposed to die when you're 40, 50 or even older than that! Not when you're 7 or 8. Like your mum, my dad suffered. He was hit by a taxi and became quadriplegic - all the life was sucked out of him when they happened. He was so unhappy but he hid it well for my brother & I.

    Sorry I don't know where that was going, I just needed to let it out I guess.

    Erin.

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  165. Louise that is such a moving post. I cried. xxxxxxx

    check out my blog? http://hollybethan-myblogs.blogspot.co.uk/

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  166. my mom just died yesterday, and i really thank you for this louise.

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    1. Ohmygoshhhh! All my wishes to your whole family. xxx Kisses and hugs.

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  167. Louise, I'm sat here crying thinking how amazing you are, and I understand your pain. I know it's tomorrow and it has come round again, but just to let you know, from all your sprinklearinos, we are here for you. We are so proud of you. We love you.

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  168. Louise, I know this is an old blog post but I just had to say my bit.
    You're right, it is shitty and it always will be - no matter what anyone says. But i guess it will get less shitty?
    We lost my boyfriend's mum 3 years ago, i know it wasn't my mum (I have called and chatted to my mum everyday since and will carry on doing for as long as I can) but I have seen him go through the same emotions as you, and she was my second mum.
    Darcy is super lucky to have a mummy like you, and a daddy like Matt and I know she will appreciate you and love you as much as you love your mummy - you have obviously taught her well.

    Love Annie x

    http://twolittleowlsblog.wordpress.com/

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  169. Louise you are so inspirational and so bravexxxxx

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Thank you for comment!
Sprinkleofglitter xxx

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