Ok, today we're gonna get real. I'm gonna swear and be blunt and brutal. If you came here for your usual dose of sweet and floral (which is totally my normal vibe), today isn't gonna be your cup of tea.
This weekend has been totally shit. Utter, utter, complete shit.
On Friday I started suffering with a toothache. It came on suddenly and sharply and I took tablets for it. I have a huge fear of the dentist. My dentist is actually the kindest man ever and has been taking care of me since I was 4 years old but oh man do I have a fear of dental stuff.
My plan was to take painkillers until I could book an appointment on Tuesday and then see about a filling or whatever I needed. The pain increased. I started taking more tablets to try and numb the pain and I didn't listen when friends told me not to take too many.
By Saturday I had tummy ache (probably because I had taken more than the recommended dosage) and couldn't face any breakfast because my tooth hurt to eat. I was booked to talk at BeautyConLondon and didn't want to let anyone down so I forced myself on the train and hoped I'd feel better once I got there.
I didn't. On the train I was clammy, shaky, short of breath and nauseous. I rang my Dad to ask him to come and fetch me from a train station (I just wanted to get off the train) but he refused because he thought I was just panicking and he wanted to watch a rugby match. I was pretty hurt by that. So I stayed on the train and the sickness feeling washed over me in waves. I called my friend Natalie who was meant to be meeting me at BeautyCon and she agreed to meet me at Euston.
At Euston I was a mess. By this point the panic had set in, the pain was worse and I felt very unwell indeed. BeautyCon was defo off the cards. Thank you to all the girls who filled in my slot for me, it is so appreciated.
We had to decide how I'd get home. A car was an option but trains are actually quicker and smoother out of London and since I was still at the station it made sense. I forced myself to eat and drink something, got on the train and tried to think really calming thoughts.
My tooth was agony but I was afraid to take more pills. I took 2 more. Silly. The waves of heat and breathlessness washed over again and I knew I was going to throw up. I ran into the little loo and was very, very sick. Before I'd managed to press the button to shut the door. Hooray. People saw. Lovely.
One girl was so kind to me and also told me she was a viewer so if you are the blonde lady who chatted to me afterwards- thank you. It was really comforting to have someone to speak with.
I got home and my sister came round. She tucked me in bed and I laid crying/watching Netflix and drifting in and out of sleep. By Sunday morning I couldn't handle it anymore and rang round trying to find an emergency dentist.
By some miracle, my Auntie got hold of my usual dentist and he agreed to see me. I've never been more thankful for anything in all my life. At 3pm he removed the tooth and I went home.
It's 11pm now and it still hurts. It was a bit of a beast to remove so my face feels very bashed up and because of the nature of the infection, my socket (ew) hurts too.
The thing I think that has effected me the most this weekend is how alone I have and haven't felt.
For all of my adult life I've been in a team. The 'Matt & Lou' team. It was good for a long time and then bad for quite a while too. It's best that we're not in that team anymore but in times of sickness, the team was a good thing. I was very afraid to not be in that team this weekend and not have my trusty support.
I realised this weekend that I have a new team. My Manager Maddie and Producer Natalie go above and beyond what they have to do for their jobs and I feel like they really truly care. My little sister stayed in my house and watched TV alone downstairs whilst I was so poorly up here and my Auntie dropped her day to take me to the dentist and care for me. Also, my Dad cares too - when the rugby isn't on ;).
It's been scary this weekend. I haven't dealt with trauma like this alone before and I thought that without my old team it would be horrific. Well, it was horrific but I found my new team and I'm so glad about that.
I hope that every time a life hurdle crops up that I will find new teams or be able to lean on this one. It brings me such comfort to know that people care about me. I hope that if they ever need me, they'll turn to me and I'll be able to help them too.
When things like this happen, when you have to face fears, it's frightening and really shakes you up. I hope that as I go into this week I can focus on the positives- that I did it, that I have good people and that I am always well supported.
Thank you so much to everyone who left sweet Facebook messages or tweets, your love was very much felt.
I hope you have a good week and that you feel no fear for the challenges you face in it.