I've been fighting it all day but today, I am lonely. Loneliness is actually my least favourite emotion and I think the one that cuts deepest.
I woke up early and trotted out to a salon appointment and enjoyed a chitchat with my oh-so-brilliant stylist who I love. I knew I was feeling down at that point because I had horrible dreams all night that really effected me.
When I got in I did a little bit of work but really couldn't focus and since I'd barely slept I thought I would just take an hour to have a snooze and 're-set' myself. It didn't work. I slept for a long time (I was meant to have a shoot today and it got cancelled so I had the spare hours) and then when I woke up Matt text to say it was his night with Darcy (we alternate Weds) and that he'd collect her from school.
I tried to edit my vlog that I've now uploaded (watch it here if you like) but really, I just felt super flat. I'm vlogging today and I'm powering through but I know it's not going to be a cheerful one. Urgh. I hate this. I hate not being able to just switch a button and feel ok.
I know in my brain that I'm OK. I know that my life is so, so full of amazing, exciting things and that I am so much more fortunate than billions of other people but my heart, sometimes it doesn't hear my brain and so we have a little problem.
I feel all my emotions. I'm not very good and brushing things aside and moving on. If I'm sad, I'm sad. If I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm cool with this because it makes things simple. I know where I am with things, I'm seldom confused.
So, that's today. Diaries are not places you can hide. Sometimes things just are a bit flat and you have to accept and carry on.
Tomorrow, I'm sure, will be much better.