Our life is a juggling act.
Today I am sat in the dressing room of a theatre in Brussels, Belgium, about to give a speech to a room full of policy makers from the European Union. As I write this, you will be packing up your things at school and waiting to be walked round to the after-school club by your teacher and then Tina, will come and collect you, take you home and put you to bed at her house. I want to be holding your hand, picking you up, putting you to bed.
I'll finish my speech, attend an evening talking to key people, go back to my hotel, check my phone for texts from Tina, fall asleep, get up, come home and think of you because tomorrow is Daddy's day.
Our life is a mission in logistics. We use every hour carefully and I plan our calendars as carefully as I can. I try to schedule my work commitments on your Daddy days so that when you're with me, I'm there. I value my time with you above my time with anyone or anything else in the world. YOU are my world.
Except, right now, it's just us, a team of two. There are bills to pay, school fees to cover, things to buy and for those, I have to work. I love to work. I feel such a thrill when a project succeeds or something great happens. I'm motivated and hard working and I hope as you grow, you'll see that and be it too.
Rather fittingly, I got called on stage for a rehearsal and had to close my laptop. It's now almost a month later and I'm finding a moment to write this post. My blog always comes last in the list of things in our life.
Today I'm in London working at the Gleam office whilst you're at your Daddy's again. I miss you. I think about how I'd like to be at home, near your warm little head which is currently perfect height for me to absent mindedly run my hand over your soft hair.
I feel torn every day. I want to work. I want to work hard. I have a long list of things I want to achieve and dreams I want to make reality. I want to make an incredible life for you. You're only 5 and I'm already putting things in place to financially secure your future. I'm proud that I can afford your school fees and I'm proud to give you the things you need.
As soon as I drop you at school, I drive home and start my emails. Then, at 2.55pm, I shut them down and come for you. Waiting at the school gates is my favourite part of the day. I go into full Mummy mode and stay there till you've gone to bed and I can start my laptop up again.
The problem is, sometimes I have to do a whole day, or come into London or work at an event at a weekend and it does eat into my time with you. It's not often but when it does happen, my heart hurts. It aches to be at home with you, being cosy, having our chats in the car, playing fairies on the landing or running around at the 'secret park' we love.
I miss a lot of work things too, which I feel bad about. I'm skipping my work Christmas Party so I can watch your school play. Obviously, I'd MUCH rather see you be the lead sheep in this year's nativity, but those Christmas parties are so freaking good and I'll be bombarded with everyone's photos the next day.
I'm getting there though I think. When I'm at work I say, 'I'm doing this for us, for our now and for our future' and when I'm missing work I say, 'work will still be there but 5 year old you won't'. Soon you'll be 6 and then 7 and then 8! Slow down baby girl!
Our life is a juggling act but look at us go! We are a team of two and somehow, we're managing! I'm proud of how far we've come together. I'm learning every day how better to juggle our commitments and you're learning every day the power of motivation and determination. I'm so proud of the person you are becoming. Your kind heart constantly impresses me. Your morals are high and so are your spirits- you're going to go so far, little girlie!
And, if you do decide to put your skills into running a business and juggling motherhood like your Mama, I'll be here. I'll help you with your child, do your admin, offer pep talks and remind you that being a hard working mummy is admirable. You won't be neglecting your baby or being selfish, you'll be filling a potential you feel compelled to explore and I will salute you, proudly.
I love you Darcy, whether we're curled up in bed reading 'The Giant Jam Sandwich', singing to Beauty and the Beast in the car or whether I'm sat in a sixth floor office on Charlotte Street, London, I love you. You are always my top, best and most.