Friday, 7 November 2014

I Hate New Places


Aloha Sprinklerinos,

This is a blog post I decided to write today, quite out of the blue, just because I feel like it will help me to write it all out, help other people who have to deal with me and potentially help those who feel the same way. 

I don't do well in new places. By 'new places' I mean like foreign towns, hotels I'm unfamiliar with, areas of this country that I haven't been before and people's houses if I have to be there for a long time (ie. over an hour). 

(From Seattle. The only place I've ever felt 100% ok when on a trip)

I realise this all sounds totally pathetic and I'm often embarrassed by it but it's something that I really struggle to over come. 

It began when I was little and lived in a really turbulent home. Our house was very violent and a lot of nasty things happened on a daily basis. I never, ever felt safe and I would dread 3.35pm because I knew that was time to leave the safety of school and go home to a place where nobody cared and there was no protection or comfort. 

As this lifestyle wore on, I was moved out of my home for safety and stayed in another house for a few months. I felt safe there (the family were really loving) but always knew it wasn't my home and that I was a guest. 

Things seemed to ease up when I went to university. I was really happy in my halls and even though we moved every year, I was always with the same group of girls who very much looked after me (my friend Faye particularly who would cook for me and chat to me about all the little things on my mind- I like to think I repaid her in laughs and adventures heh heh) and so felt safe. 

Then I met Matt, slipped into a work, home, sleep routine and felt really, really safe. I liked the walk to the office, I liked the 2 bedroom city apartment we had, I liked shopping on a Saturday morning and partying til Sunday. I liked always being in a place I felt familiar with and spending most of my time with a man who I knew cared enough about me to care when I was sad or afraid. 

In that time I went abroad 3 times. The first was to Las Vegas with my Dad. It was half his business trip and half a 'well done for graduating' trip. I was so excited. The plane journey was fine - I'd flown virgin before and was sat with Dad. The hotel was nice, although at this point I found myself calling home and feeling a slight sense of panic that I was so far away, and the city, well, it was too much. It was so unlike anywhere I'd been before that I couldn't adjust my comfort zone. I felt like everything was a bit that same but totally different. Same language, different roads, same foods, different currency. It's hard to explain because I know those are things I can easily learn and handle but when I suffer from home sickness like I do, it's hard to be rational. I stood looking out of my hotel room on the first night and felt like I didn't want to go outside or be a part of all the action and that I'd feel calmer in my room. As it happened, due to a death in the family, we flew home the next morning. All the same, that's when I fully realised that holiday's weren't for me. 

A year later I tried to tackle this with a girls holiday to Ibiza. My friend Emma invited me along with some of her friends and I thought it would be the perfect opportunity to let my hair down, party all night and not worry about feeling homesick or unsettled. I was so wrong. I was on edge at the airport and by the time we arrived on the island I was so tense I could barely eat. I hated the hotel, I couldn't socialise nicely with Emma's friends and spent most of my time trying really hard not to cry. I don't fully know how to explain it but it just felt like everything was MORE. The music was louder, the food was weird tasting, the boys were lairy, the sun was hotter. Obviously it was loud music and hot climates but I mean more than everyone else found it. After two nights I changed my flight and came home alone because I couldn't cope. My friend was so kind but she couldn't really understand the extreme stress levels I was experiencing and I couldn't really articulate them either. 

Just before our wedding, Matt and I went on a honeymoon (I know, weird way round- I was pregnant and there were work commitments too) and it wasn't too bad. I was 9 weeks pregnant so felt very sick but it was in a resort I'd been to as a child with my Dad, Matt was there to look after me and I felt OK. I still had a mini panic when we left the resort to visit the local area but at the time we blamed that on the pregnancy hormones. 

In those three trips I noted that if I had a strong male with me (Matt or Dad), I did better and if it was a totally new place, I felt really freaked. Also, if it was a hotel I'd visited before, it was better (now when I work in London, I always opt for the same places and never try somewhere new unless I'm forced to).

By the by, I WISH I could use better words than 'stressed', 'freaked', 'panicked' and 'unsettled'. I don't know how else to describe it. When I'm in the actual moment of fear, it's like standing on the edge of a cliff, totally alone, watching everyone below have a wonderful time all together, all coping and happy and I feel like I'm shouting down, 'Hey!!! I want to enjoy this but I can't! I feel unsafe! I want someone to protect me! Will you do that?! No because you're all busy having the great time I should be having too!!". 

Protection seems to be a massive thing. I don't know what I want protection for precisely. I think just the fear. I worry that I'm going to get the fear, won't be able to keep a hold on it and then I'll just be a freaked out mess that needs to go home because when I'm at home, I feel safe. Then I'll feel like a failure. I hate failing too. 

I've been on a lot of work trips this last two years and there have been trips I've done really well on, and those that I haven't. One trip (Vidcon 2013) I actually surprised myself on but it took every fibre in me to keep the fear at bay and to have a good time. I spent a lot of time in my room giving myself little pep talks or not letting anyone see my cry. Still though, that's classed as a success. 

Trips I did well on (still with spells of panic or fear or having to be in my room a lot though) were Playlist 2014, Vidcon 2013 and New York for Digitour. On my family holiday to Seattle I was 100% fine the entire time. Trips that made me experience super high anxiety levels were ItaTube in Milan (everywhere was so, so, so unfamiliar), Vidcon 2014 (where I spent almost all social time in my room or in the corner of parties emotionally leaning on Hazel) and AmityFest last month. 

On a bad trip I don't eat properly, when I do eat I feel really tummy poorly, I can't hang out with Zoe (who would normally make me laugh and make me happy) much because she likes warm aircon and it makes me feel suffocated (obv she'd turn it off if I insisted but I hate being such a pain), I get so so so worried that if we leave the hotel I will get lost from the group or the group will loose me, I drink more at evening events as a (really bad) coping mechanism, I feel really insecure about how I look, I don't at all want to go near crowds (a problem at YouTube conventions) and I don't sleep well at night (although this could be the jet lag). 

On a bad trip things that calm me down are constant reassurances before and during the trip, little physical gestures like hand squeezes and hugs and such (which is unusual for me because I'm not overly into that), familiar things (people especially, stories, restaurants that I know the chain of etc) and very, very clear plans for the day (so what everyone is doing at what time and why). I've noticed when people have actually used the words, 'protect you' or 'can leave at any time' or 'I won't let you get lost, I'm looking after you', I've instantly felt calmer and safer, even if deep down I know they didn't mean it.  I've even noticed that in crowds (like at YT events or premiers) I've said in panic to whoever I'm with, 'Don't loose me will you?!!?'. Being lost is a thing. I've also noticed that I am much calmer with men than women. 

When I feel that bad all I can think about is either being at home where I feel safe or seeking out a person (usually male or a super strong female) to reassure me or escaping whatever experience I am in, going to sit on my own and going online to familiar places (skype, facebook, fave blogs etc). 

I worry that my friends think I'm high maintenance and so try to only mention it a bit. It's not only abroad that I feel this way, it's on overnight trips to their houses. Hazel and Zoe are both now in the habit of telling me all the nice things waiting for me on arrival which really touches me that they are so thoughtful and even Jack who is so un-into those little gestures will be nice about it to some extent. 

I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know if it's because of my violent and unstable upbringing or something I have developed because I'm weak in certain coping or adjustment areas but I don't want to be this way. I feel like I can never fully tell people the extent of my stress levels about this because it sounds so very pathetic and stupid and so in return, I as a person am pathetic or stupid. I know I'm a smart woman, I know how to be rational about situations and be self aware in experiences but I can't always FEEL that. 

At AmityFest I felt the fear even in Birmingham which is an hour from my home!! I could literally have been wrapped in my own duvet within 90 minutes! When it was suggested that we take the show to Australia I cried and almost couldn't go on stage because I imagined the fear I might face when I was there. Even typing about that trip is making my eyes well up a bit. 

I feel so very, very silly about this but don't know how to deal with it. My friends are kind and try to jolly me along a bit, my Dad tells me 'don't be silly, you can never get lost in the world', but it doesn't help. Although I've mentioned, 'missing home' or being homesick in a lot of vlogs, I've often cut out huge chunks of teary attempts at explainations for why I feel how I feel. I'd also like to point out, it's not a Mummy thing and panic about being away from Baby Glitter, I've been this was since long before her arrival. 

I realise that if you love new places and new experiences and meeting new people, this will sound so trivial and ridiculous. I feel a bit trivial and ridiculous sharing it to be honest. 

I always try and do things. I don't (yet) miss out. I travel frequently and do have a lot of new experiences each month but I would love to be able to do them fully excited or relaxed and not fret for days before hand. I'm going to New York in two weeks for Tristate Playlist and already I'm worrying, burdening my friends, imagining things and mentally planning what I'll do if things get too much. I hate it. 

I hope this will be of some interest to those of you that have followed me for a long time. I might one day make a video on it but for now, I feel like this is a big enough step. I'm sorry I can't be more articulate about all of this, perhaps I will do a follow up when I understand it more myself. 

If anyone has any coping tips for this kind of thing, leave them in the comments and I will gratefully read them all. 

If you think this is all a load of rubbish, please be gentle with your comments, I'm quite sensitive about this I think.

Edit - When I'm feeling like this, I don't have panic/anxiety attacks. It's not a matter of having an attack, calming down and then carrying on. It's a constant dread/worry/stress that I can't shake until I feel like I'm safe/protected/relaxed. Just thought I'd add that in because I'm not sure I was clear! 

Toodlepip! 

xx


245 comments:

  1. I know that this doesnt help that much but when i have a moment where im panicking and i feel like im about to have a panic attack, i try a breathing technique in which you breathe in for 7 seconds, hold your breath for 8, and then breathe out for 9 seconds. For me it helps, but im not sure how other people find it, surprisingly its also a good cure for hiccups as well! xxx

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  2. This literally made me want to hug you and squeeze! You hav turned into such an amazing person despite all of that and this may seem like a weird thing to say as I don't personally know you, but I am very proud.

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    1. I totally agree! You've put my thoughts in words :)

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  3. Oh Louise, that sounds so hard to cope with. It's really brave of you to write this post.
    I struggle with panic attacks - even more so when it's somewhere unfamiliar (I freak out thinking about going, then on the way, then there...like a never ending cycle of fear, tears and wanting to run away).

    I've found that I cope better when I plan really, really well. Even using google maps/street view to see where I'll be. Make sure I'm with someone I trust, and who 'gets' it (as much as they can). Always have a cold bottle of water handy - just sipping it helps calm the nerves. And there are some great apps on the apple store I've tried (a guy called Andrew Johnson makes them, they're like meditation/hypnosis, and sound a bit daft but they work a treat).

    Thanks for sharing this, I'm sure it'll help loads of people feel like they're not alone if they feel the same way.

    Faith x
    www.musicandeyeliner.co.uk

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  4. I may not know any ways to truly comfort you through this post, but I know to some extent what you've gone through when travelling to new places. It's nice to know I'm not alone. Sending you love and well wishes from BC, Canada.

    Haley xx

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  5. I totally agree with you. I don't like anything new, it all has to be how it normally is!

    http://whatmaisiedid.blogspot.co.uk/

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  6. Hi Louise,
    if it is any help, I feel the exact same way. I HATE traveling if it isn’t with my mom and I’m a 24 years old adult for goodness sake. I’m glad it’s not a HUGE impediment on your life, and I honestly wish it gets better for you (as for me). Thanks for sharing.
    Marie xx

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  7. I really want to comment on this, just to say that I think it's a big deal and a brave decision to tell people on the Internet about that fear you have, and how it affects you. If you don't mind, I'd like to write you an email response to this -- but I just wanted to say that this was wonderfully written, and I'm sending lots of virtual hugs.

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  8. I admire your bravery for admitting this and now you've got it off your chest maybe you might feel a little bit better. I'm sure there are lots of people who have the exact same problem (problem isn't the best word but I couldn't think of a better one)

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  9. I'm exactly the same, Louise! If I'm going on a long trip (or even a short one) then from the moment I leave the house I have this tense and nervous feeling right up until I'm at my doorstep. What helps me is taking photos of things from home - my cats, my room, etc. and then when I'm feeling particularly panicky I can scroll through the photos and it settles me slightly.

    Much love, Sophie x x

    eliphi.blogspot.co.uk

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  10. Sad to read, but nice to understand the extent of what you're feeling. Travel isn't for everyone, you shouldn't feel like you have to go places you don't want to go. Really brave of you to make this post, well done and good luck with future endeavours xxx

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  11. Wow - just realised that this must be how my Dad feels whenever we're on holidays together. Explains a lot about his behavior and now I feel bad for not being more understanding. Thanks for the insightful blog post.

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  12. I think like the best way to deal with this would be to judge surround yourself in the culture of the place you are at. Visit museums, tourist attractions and try different foods, just be adventurous and you'll most probably forget your worries!
    You were fab with the crowds at SITC and you couldn't tell at all that you don't like big crowds.
    Don't worry Louise, I'm sure you will be fine at Playlist! Good luck :)
    - F - www.elevatorbrain.blogspot.co.uk

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  13. Louise, I totally get where you're coming from and I have always felt a little anxious when I'm away from home. I try and deal with this anxiety by texting my mum or my auntie because sometimes I just feels nice to know I can call them if I need to :) love you louise xxxxx

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  14. Louise, I am so so amazed that anyone could even have the strength to tell their audience about such things - you're such an amazing women for that! I know exactly how you feel in these situations - in more ways than one - I get so nervous going to new places and feel so uncomfortable about myself whenever I'll be in a place where so many people will see me, even if I know they're not really going to be looking! I'm the same with going to friends houses as well, it makes me so nervous to think what if i'm sitting wrong, said the wrong thing, etc etc. But you can be strong! You've done so well as it is and your amazing friends I'm sure will always try to support you and be there for you - just keep remembering that no matter how hard it gets there is always a way to contact home and comfort - maybe keep a note on your phone written by Matt about something that will make you smile and feel at ease? Comfort is only a phone call away. I've been watching your videos and reading your blog for a good few years now and I am so overwhelmed by how strong you are - your content gets better and better and you've grown as a person so much (from at least what you've shown us). People love you and I really wish you all the luck in the world on working on this xxxx

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  15. I panic a lot about travelling a lot to, like when you find that one place you can safely call home it is scary to have to leave it, even for a few day! What I do normally when I start to panic about travelling/going somewhere is I imagine how I want it to be, all the good things, forget all about the bad things that you imagine will happen (which 99.99% of the time don't!) Hope this helps Xoxo

    ww.amfashionandbeauty.blogspot.com

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  16. Oh Louise. I wish that I could write you a message that would make you feel better, or that I could come up with a solution to solve all your problems, but I can't. It's very difficult for me to imagine how you must be feeling, as traveling is one of my favorite things to do, and new places always feel like a much needed breath of air for me.

    But Louise, sweet Louise, we as fans (or friends, since I feel I know you so well), will always try to do our best to understand and we will support you. I'd never want you to do anything that makes you feel sad or uncomfortable, even if I might not exactly understand why.

    I don't know whether you'll read this, but if you do, I hope your cuddled up under a blanket with your hubby and your baby, feeling 100% happy and at home. You deserve that Louise.

    Lots of love,
    Joyce

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  17. I tend to panic if i'm going to a new place full of people I don't really know - and I usually love discovering new places and people but there's a part of me that thinks something bad will happen to me. What I find helps is to think of all the positive things that could happen rather and focusing on the negative and panicking even more. I try and tell myself that theres no point in worrying over something bad that 99% won't happen, and it usually calms me down a little. I try and think of the good things that could happen instead and if things get really bad, I excuse myself and go to my room or somewhere quiet and take some time out for a few minutes. I know it's not much, but I hope it helps! x

    www.nataliecarolinelifestyleandbeauty.co.uk

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  18. Hi Louise! I understand what you mean about this, there's something hugely comforting about being home and feeling safe; I recently spent a week in France visiting my family, and although I longed to have a good time and unwind, I spent a lot of time observing everyone else, whilst I felt highly stressed on the inside. Similarly, I can't put my finger on why exactly I feel like this, and I don't always. But maybe when we have unstable childhoods we spend our lives searching for stability and something to depend upon, and our environment is the most tangible thing that we can achieve this through. It is the most permanent thing we can rely on; that we will be able to go home and know that everything we know about that space will remain the same, it will be stable and constant. When we are in someone else's space or in a hotel, or even in a new city, we lose that familiarity. We can't be sure that when we turn the corner we'll know exactly where we are. Just some thoughts.

    Thank you for sharing so bravely!

    E

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  19. Louise reading this made me want to give you a big hug! Something I could suggest is bring an item with you that is homely and you can have that with you so even when it's a bit crazy you have that bit home to look at? It could be a picture or something sentimental to you, just a thought :) I know what you mean about the new places and feeling safe thing.. I hate going somewhere not knowing what to expect or whose going to be there.. I always like to have my closest friends with me to feel safe. I guess it's a little but different because you have a dressed fear of this and mine is to do with my anxiety, however think of it this way: you have done these things, every step is a step further into being able to cope with this fear <3


    dellalovesnutella.blogspot.co.uk

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  20. So sorry you're dealing with this Louise :(

    I was at your Louise Live show - I am studying abroad in England and am from Texas. I am dealing with some of the same things you are during such a big change in my life.

    I can 100% relate to you from wanting to stay in your room when it all gets to be too much. There is something comforting and "safe" being in my room/hotel room.

    I've found it really helpful to bring along comforts from home when I travel. Whether it be my favourite blanket/pillow/a stuffed animal, whatever! Also I find it super helpful to bring my own shampoo/conditioners because the smell reminds me of being home and is very comforting.

    Just remember if you're ever feeling unsafe or scared, you are only a car/train/plane ride away from home. Sometimes just knowing that you can leave at any time is the only thing you need to make you stay.

    Also, Starbucks and Netflix can solve all your problems <3

    xxx Hailey

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  21. I'm so, so thankful for this blogpost. While it's not new places themselves that freak me out, new experiences and crowds/new people definitely do. I started Uni last year and have only attempted to go to one party so far and even that one I had to leave at midnight and ended up crying under my blanket in my dorm room for not apparent reason. I've found a lot of people to not be very understanding about it, being weirded out by me declining group gatherings like that every chance I get. But it's part of who I am and right now, I can't change that over night.

    Please, please don't feel pressured by us viewers/fans either. I obviously can't speak for everybody but I would never blame you or anybody for opting out of soemthing that is bad for their mental health.

    xoxo, Anne

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  22. Hi Louise,

    I just wanted to let you know that I feel exactly the same way. I've been declining every single invitation to travel with my friends because I just do not feel safe with them, and needless to say I have not yet traveled alone aside from on school trips. I feel the need to over-plan absolutely everything, whereas my friends prefer to be spontaneous.

    I actually feel like you might be calmer when Baby Glitter is with you (Seattle trip), because you're so busy fretting about her well-being that it minimizes your own personal concerns. Also, YOU take on that role of the strong person for her (whereas in your life it has usually been your dad or Matt).

    Anyway, I see you as an incredibly strong-minded individual despite all this. I'm very grateful that you took the time to write this because you articulated a lot of things that I tend to feel before/during traveling.

    Much love,
    Erica
    http://abundanceoferica.blogspot.ca

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  23. I just want to hug you forever and never let go

    check me out
    xx
    Tyana
    theluxedition.blogspot.com
    bloglovin.com/theluxedition

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  24. Hey to be quite honest, maybe you can see someone about it, like a therapist, even if its just to take an anti anxiety when you go on trips. Cause if you get that freaked and panicked I don't think someone saying a couple of nice things in a tumblr comment will help much, (really hope i don't sound rude), but yeah I suggest seeing someone about it probably

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  25. Reading this made me feel strangely comforted, not in a 'i'm happy that you feel like this' horrible way, but in a 'yayyy i'm not alone' way. I've always felt like this and I have no idea why, unlike you I had a very happy upbringing in safe environment, but whenever I'm away from home I feel exactly like you explained. I feel happier if I have one of my 'safe' people with me, but never 100%. I have found a few things that make me feel a little bit more at ease though. I have to take my iPad everywhere with me, and on it I have a couple of films that I know all of the words to because I've seen them so many times, nut they're familiar and give me a sense of something that is safe and comfortable and normal. I also have a playlist of songs that just make me feel happy or have some happy memories attached to that I can listen to when I'm feeling vulnerable. Books also help me because it allows me to escape to somewhere happier. If you do find anything else that helps you I'd love you to write another blog post on it because this has already helped me so much even if it's just to tell me I'm not the only twenty-something who can't handle being away from hope!

    onceuponatilly.blogspot.com

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  26. Aw Louise, I sympathise with this to an extent - if I'm on family holidays I get incredibly unsettled and feel nervous and worry that awful things are going to happen (even though deep down I know they won't), and if I'm at a friend's house I'm just waiting to go home because that's where I feel comfortable. You probably already do this but I find bringing little things from home to places I go can make me feel a lot more at ease, and if I explain fully to a friend/family how I feel (even though it makes me feel stupid) it makes it better.

    I hope it gets better for you :) xx

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  27. I feel exactly the same way a lot of the time. Especially since I got married. I've always been an extremely introverted person, but it got so much worse after I met my husband because I felt like I could just stay in my little bubble all the time with him. It got to the point where I had a hard time even going to the grocery store because it was uncomfortable for me to even leave the house. I think what I've learned to do is to learn how to calm my anxiety and my worries by telling myself over and over again that it will only last a few hours. Or a few days. Or a few weeks. And then life will go back to normal and I can be comfortable again. This, and taking anxiety medication, is really the only way I can cope. I hope you know that we are all here for you and you are definitely not alone when it comes to homesickness and anxiety. I think it's normal that we as humans like to be in our natural habitats the majority of the time. But it is usually when we step out and face our fears that we learn to really progress in life and become so much more. Thinking of you! You are such inspiration to me and I love you so much, Louise. Take care! xx

    http://vasilikibeauty.blogspot.com

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  28. Hi Louise. Well done for such a personal post, I bet it feels good to write it all out. I completely empathise with you, as I am a complete homebody and really really hate going to new places for the first time. I know that I have to try out different places and experiences to get used to them, though. One thing that stuck me when reading your post was how you often like to have a strong male or female with you. My Mum also passed away, and I find I am the same. I look to other maternal or paternal figures because there's a part of me that just wants to be mothered and feel safe. I think my anxiety and stress in new situations and being away from home is definitely linked to this. I don't know whether that's a connection for you too? I think you're doing the right thing in going ahead and travelling despite the stress it causes you, as I think ultimately this exposure will help you in the long term. I do hope it gets better for you soon though, you are so so strong and have a great support system xxx

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  29. This was quite heartbreaking to read, I am sorry you feel like this Louise. You were absolutely amazing at Amity Fest in Brighton, even if you were terrified of being in an unknown place. Just remember home is a ride away, you can go back if you really want to. Why not take something from home along with use as a kind of comforter? Thank-you for sharing this with us.

    Amazzable - Life As Amazzable | Lifestyle Blogger ❣

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  30. It's strange because I'm quite like this too! I want to travel the world but when it comes to it, I get incredibly anxious about travelling there - being on a plane/train for too long and then when I'm there I just think about how long it is until I get home! :/ So glad you wrote a post about it, I'm not alone! xx
    alicekatex ♥

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  31. I feel so sorry for you, I have felt that even a bit before so I can't imagine how much it must suck (especially with a job that wants travelling!). Maybe you can find someone to talk to about it find coping mechanisms. I have anxiety about being late which at some points develops so far that I can leave my room if there is a possibility of not being ten minutes early to something. I skipped school, clubs, going out with friends and just called in sick if I had any thought I might be late. However seeing someone helped me to find ways to cope so when I do get those feelings I can manage them and almost talk myself out of them. Anyway!
    Good luck lots of love xxxxx

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  32. I feel this post to my core. I have been feeling exactly the way you have for a while now and I think it has to do with certain family things that have changed over the past few months. I'm in my second year of college and this year feels harder than the first and I am constantly homesick and the only thing that will calm me down are talking to my mom or boyfriend. I even took a day trip with my roommates to a city an hour away just for the day on Halloween and I did not enjoy myself and I just wanted my parents or boyfrined with me it took all of my being not to cry on the sidewalk. I hope one day things will be better for both of us but we just gotta keep moving with our heads up with the people we love by our side. Have a good day Louise I love you!

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  33. First, I applaud your vulnerability and openness. Not only does it allow others who may not be experiencing it, to feel not so alone, but it creates an opportunity for you to cultivate connections and possible solutions. I'm no expert, but I do know that most things have a root and the root of our actions and words are usually one of two things: fear or love. Since you may have KNOWN you were loved as child, but not actually FELT loved (which is the same as safety as with Maslow's hierarchy of needs) you may be dealing with things from a root of fear. That may sound obvious, because obviously you hate new places because you're afraid, but I say that because fear is overcome-able. So instead of being ashamed and scared, lean into it, continue to write, continue to push yourself (calculated risks). The fact that you're seeking to understand it, and change it means that you are ready to deal with it. For some people, they know the skeleton(s) in their closet, but they refuse to deal with it/them, and it affects their lives for years, without needing to. This is your blog and I don't want to be ‘that girl’ and leave a comment as long as the post, so I'll just offer my email address to you or anyone else who may want to talk, need an ear, or a friend. Lia@LiaWashington.com. I think the key for you is to give yourself permission to be afraid, to state your fear without apology, and to do the work to resolve it, because I 100% believe and know you can. I did a year of CBT for my own childhood emotional remnants and it was the best decision I ever made. Maybe it’s worth a shot. I’m rooting for you!

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  34. This sounds something like agoraphobia, which I definitely do experience as well! Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm sorry that the majority of people around you don't seem to really understand or help. I was going to suggest sticking with people on these trips who make you feel calm but as you've explained that doesn't necessarily help you.

    I went to secondary school in the centre of London and I lived on the outskirts, which meant a train journey in and out every day. In year 7 I would obsess over getting the earliest train home possible. The girl I travelled with (who is now a very good friend of mine and understands) at the time thought it was hilarious and make fun of me. I'm away at university and I definitely think that living in a different place is a whole other experience to a brief stay.

    Have you ever considered CBT? I think your main problem is the thoughts you have and a constant level of anxiety. CBT retrains your brain to approach situations that make you anxious in a different way. I believe Zoe does it (she mentioned it in one of her vlogs) so maybe you could ask her about it?

    You are very much understood and your anxiety about this is legitimate!! If you can, try not to feel silly about it as it is a reaction that your brain is having to a stimulus.

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  35. it is so brave of you to write this, and i hope you find some ways of coping with/overcoming this. i often feel teary and uneasy when i go to new places (although not to the extent you do).
    when you go away, maybe take something that smells like home to you (a candle you enjoy burning at home) or a teddy, just something you associate with being home and being safe.
    when i feel sad/anxious, i like to write my thoughts down, its very therapeutic for me. maybe keep a journal when you go away, i find it helps to vent.
    lastly, my favourite quote is 'this too shall pass'. i think its pretty self explanatory, but it helps me through a lot of situations. and, its always true. reminding myself 'this too shall pass' never fails to calm me a little bit.

    i hope i have offered some somewhat helpful advice, my apologies if not, haha.
    best wishes Louise -virtual hug- x

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    1. Great advice Sarah. Writing things down, and reminding myself that nothing lasts forever has also helped me deal with tough times.

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  36. Reading this has made me feel like I'm not the only one. I do have anxiety and assume that this is part of the reason why I feel like this when I go away. Normally it's because I've got high levels of stress before a trip, leading to the release of it when I am actually away from home, giving me constant anxiety. Further leading to me not eating properly, not sleeping properly, which is normally how I feel when I am anxious. I'm currently taking my A-Levels and had to go on a 3 day trip for Biology. I'd known about this since I chose the subject in year 11 and worried about it since. But I'd had CBT sessions just the summer gone that helped with my general anxiety and this helped so so much! I was able to go away and not have the worry that I normally have, I was able to rationalise my thought process, taking away the stress that I normally have where I go through a thought process of thinking of an 'escape route', normally involving me telling myself that "you can always drop out". I just took the opportunity and went and relied on my friends very little compared to what I thought I would. So maybe CBT could help you just to reorganise your thought process when going through these things, don't forget that it's not just for anxiety. depression etc! X

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  37. Louise it is so brave of you opening up to us like this. It might be worth trying counselling for post dramatic stress. Earlier in the year I had counselling to help with my depression and anxiety and got diagnosed with ptsd and a lot of the emotions you've explained where what I was feeling. Obviously counselling and talking therapys will never cure it but it will help so much.

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  38. Hi Louise, I just wanted to say that I know how you feel, at least to a certain extent. I'm going skiing with school next month and i've been panicking and worrying about it since I paid the first check, back in March. It's horrible. I just wanted to let you know that we all love and support you! I wanted Amity Fest to come to Northern Ireland, but knowing how you feel, I wouldn't want to make you feel like this. Hope you're feeling better!! xxx

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  39. Blair Garrison (bubbag4455@icloud.com)7 November 2014 at 17:59

    I get home sick as well Louise. It's ok. You have a great family and friends so you will be find! xx

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  40. I get very homesick as well Louise. But mine are usually accompanied with constant anxiety and attacks and I always dread going away.

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  41. Wow Louise, don't ever see this as a weakness. You are much stronger than you think (the proof is in the fact that you still go to these events)! Although you don't consider these responses as anxiety attacks, they are. They are manifesting in a different way to how people associate them that's all. You've found a release in crying and gaining reassurance from those around you, all credit for acknowledging this! :) When I'm alone I have been slowly training myself to have a trigger word. My own word is actually 'Autumn'. Whenever I hear this word my brain jogs to all the memories I have learnt to associate with it. This helps me to escape the moment and calm down from sensory overload. To practice I have photos that were taken in Autumn over the years and I remember a park from where I used to live and strong, happy memories that I gained there. I don't know if this method will work for you but if you try it, let me know :)
    So many people fear talking about things they know society assume as weak. I'm proud of you for publishing this and that you haven't deleted it. Some comments may not be nice, but there are a lot of us behind you on this Louise. If it's a comfort, know that you're not alone and that we're grateful that you can give us a voice to an audience :)
    Lots of hugs (I'm a tactile person unless stressed, the opposite of you I guess ^^)
    Chez xx

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  42. Dear Louise,
    I think this is your best blogpost yet. I don't see this as a big ramble but as something very interesting and important and so brave of you to share because it might seem so irrational. But I actually can understand some points in similar situations.
    On the rational side I think this is a good addition to the discussion how Youtubers are in real life because we viewers don't know. You Youtubers cut out as much as you want and that's definitely you're right. I think it's interesting how less the audience knows sometimes. And that's fine or even better than the other way round :)
    @Paula__Wa

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  43. Hi Louise,
    I know that it's not really the same thing but it is sort of but to smaller extent but whenever I am going to a friends house for a sleepover (a house which I have not been to before or if I am not 100% comfortable around the persons family) or go on a school trip, I always worry about it for days before and sometimes even get teary in the car on the way there. Now I refuse to go on trips without my best friend but this has got better as I have got older but it still means that I miss out on things which I shouldn't. To make myself feel better I text my mum or one of my friends about really boring things like what they're watching on tele or what they had for dinner, this always makes me feel better for some reason, if I can I also like to bring a part of my bed with me like a blanket or a pillow as it makes me feel more at home. I may not have really said anything useful for you(I've probably just rambled) but this post has really helped me not feel so silly about being worried so thank you!
    xxx

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  44. I suffer from similar thing. Visiting people's places feels quite horrible because it's not familiar, so I have trouble going to my friends' houses. Another thing that happened is I moved from another country to UK to study at university. So for the past six weeks I've been feeling horrible, like constantly visiting someone. It still doesn't feel like home, I don't think it ever will. I don't have any friends or relatives here and just like you, I've been seeking some support and contact from home. It does help, but most of the time my brain secretly expect going home asap. And to top that horrific feeling, I probably won't be able to go home for Christmas and will spend it in my student hall.
    Anyway, sorry for the negativity, but just so you know, you're not alone in feeling homesick all the time. And it's ok. It just shows how much Home means to you. And little by little I believe you'll cope with it and feel better! Good luck Louise! xx

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  45. Louise Australia is so relaxed and chilled, it's honestly like England besides the weather obviously...but yeh superrrr chilled!

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  46. I happens to be quite a bit too! Not really at hotels but at other people's houses I don't feel safe because I don't have control over having all the doors and windows locked. I used to lie to my friends saying I felt ill or tired so I could get a taxi home. It's really hard when people don't understand things, but im sure that anyone you tell will try their best to understand. And in that moment of worry literally do anything you can to make yourself feel happier be that laying in bed watching tv or on the internet, having a bath or talking to someone, and dont feel obliged to vlog if you arent feeling 100% im sure i can speak for all of us when saying that we would rather you be happy than to have a vlog. I hope you're ok and know that you are safe whenever you go people care about you.
    G xxx
    PS I've found that I cope better in a new place when I have a blanket that smells and feels like home with me so I can close my eyes and imagine im there for a moment

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  47. Louise, I will admit that I don't watch your videos as much as I would like to, but have always really admired you and your kind heart. So first, let me just say how brave it is for you to talk about such things. But secondly, I would like to say thank you. I've always struggled with anxiety and panic attacks, and felt the exact way you described whenever I'm away from home for more than a few moments, unless it's an area I'm familiar with, and even then, sometimes I want to go home after an hour or so because my stress levels are through the roof. I've always kind of been shy and reserved, though, so I just kind of chalked it up to that and never thought much more of it. I've been dependant on certain people and it brings me to tears sometimes to even think of leaving them for a few hours. My son being one of them. Reading this post, though, made me realize that maybe there is more going on. The knowledge that I'm not alone because you have described word for word what I feel is a lot of comfort. Thank you.

    My tip for you that I have always found helps with me is to find a place in the area I'm in where I can either be alone (atter telling someone I trust where I'll be and ask them to please tell me if they leave where they're at) or be alone with that person, and sit, take deep breaths, and think about things that make me feel comfortable. Whether it's a place I love, a person I feel safe around, a happy memory whether recent or old...anything that makes me smile. I focus on that one thing until my breathing becomes regular and then I slowly ease myself back into the situation. It's worked most of the time for me..maybe it'll work for you? I hope. Now that you've written this and your fans know about this, maybe people will be more supportive and try to comfort you when they meet you at events, which could help ease you into the idea of staying out longer with those people. We all love and adore you and only want you to be comfortable. If you get overwhelmed please understand you are not a burden. Your mental health is important to all of us. I hope this helps! xxx

    Jessica - @weareonlysparks / beautychanginghearts

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  48. I had no idea about your childhood! You've overcome such a lot to get where you are now and so many people love and support you! Abi :)
    MyW0rldMyView

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  49. Reading this made so much sense to me, I can feel exactly the same but I do suffer from anxiety. Please don't feel alone in this <3 xx

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  50. Oh Louise, reading this post has urged me to comment! Usually I don't really comment on things like this as I never really know what to say. I don't personally suffer with this type of thing but I do have anxiety so I feel in a way I can relate. As an anxious person I often find aspects of life overwhelming, a quiet corner to collect your thoughts and to try and rewire your train of thought always helps. I think of your situation similar to mine. When I think of my panicky brain, I try to look at it as a stray wire that needs to be redirected in order for my head to work correctly. I realise this may not sound clear, but say you have a trip coming up and your brain keeps suggesting certain emotions or scenarios. Take 5. Collect yourself and try to rationalize with yourself. Why does it have to be that way? Can't it be this way? Or Why does this make me feel like way? I want it to make me feel this way? . . .
    I'm so so sorry if my efforts are simply not making sense. But hey I tried to help :)
    I think your really brave to share the darker/deeper sides of your life on such a platform. I tend to keep my blog all rosy and happy. I think with time maybe I'll be brave enough to admit, hey guys, today was a bad day. But no worries tomorrow will be better. . .

    A quote I love is . . It's a bad day, not a bad life! :) Hope your finding comfort from the wealth of lovely comments you've received! As part of this little online family, we are here for you :)

    Levi xxx
    LeviJade

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  51. Oh you are a brave one for writing all this out, hope you're feeling ok and not too shaky! I know you studied psychology too (so could know all this!) but I'm currently doing my msc in educational psychology and am writing a paper about looked after children. Stability comes up as a huge issue in their lives and although you were only away from home for a wee bit (it sounds like) I can imagine that would have been very unsettling and make you unsure of what 'home' is maybe. Being away from home now could maybe bring these feelings up again and feeling safe with males could be to do with being separated from your dad when you were younger and wanting to be close to him perhaps (not going down psychodynamic route as we all know that is dodgy and rubbish ;) ). Unsure of strategies but is there maybe something you could wear like a necklace/bracelet/jumper that could be your 'home comfort' and remind you you're safe and looked after when you start to feel the dread? Or maybe consider CBT if you feel it's something you could talk about. Your videos and posts are my fave so I hope this helps you in some way! Love from a fellow mid-20s brit haha x

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  52. Hi Louise,
    i kinda have the same thing like i don't like going to new restaurants and places like that and also i don't tend to like going to new places on holiday and going out of the resort. It all just doesn't feel right and i don't really feel like it, so i guess i just feel a bit anxious. I find it easier to go to new places if i am with large group of friends or with my dad (even though i live with my mum mostly) also i find it is easier the next time if i have gone somewhere at least once before so i guess it makes it easier because i know the next time i go it will be okay. Don't really know if any of this makes sense??? But i hope it helps a bit :) i didn't know that other people felt like this so now i know it's not just me. :)

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  53. louise i feel like this a lot! But I for some reason feel much more comfortable in a new place when i'm alone, rather than with any other people. I find it so so hard to stay at friends houses, but wandering a new city alone is fine. It's a horrible feeling and I hope you find a way to make it easier! I haven't discovered any yet though I'm afraid! lots of love! xxx

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  54. I have an anxiety so I often feel quite similar to this. I always need to feel like I'm protected and I don't like going anywhere or being left by myself and I have a constant dread something bad is going to happen but unlike you these sometimes lead to panic attacks, usually when I have to leave my home or face sometime alone. I have always been very close to my mum and ever since I was little I would hate her leaving me, I would hide behind her in public and if she went out (even if I was left with my dad or any other family member) I would sit by the front door and cry or watch out of the window until she got home. It would be really bad if she told me a time she was going to get home and she was late, even by a few minutes, I would feel myself panicking and thinking the worse.
    In other peoples homes I have always been very awkward and uncomfortable too, if I don't know someone very well I won't even be able to use their toilet, I'd rather hold it in or walk/home and come back which I've done a few times. I am also the same with arranging things, especially in unfamiliar places, I get really stressed if I don't know an exact time and place I'm meeting someone.
    One tip I have is one that a teacher told me when I was in school. Whatever situation I was feeling nervous in or about she would tell me to write down what probably wouldn't happen, what's most likely to happen and what good things could happen. I personally find writing things down in a list form and weighing them out helps me. Hope things get better for you. Xx

    penzees.blogspot.co.uk

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  55. I feel that way when traveling, too. I would like to visit new places, but I worry about being too far from home. I think that it would help to focus on all the fun you're going to have and that the trip is meant to be fun. It also might help to bring things from home that comfort you.

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  56. I know it won't bring you any comfort by my writing this and telling you how brave you really are.
    Things can happen to you as a child and you pick up on certain habits or coping methods,
    you have probably developed a coping method as a child of clinging to someone who can protect you
    and when you feel safe at home you link this to feeling safe when you were a child.
    Maybe speaking to someone or picking up a psychology book might bring some comfort?
    If you have something telling you why you react that way and understand yourself better then you
    might lose some of that fear?
    It may all link back to your childhood and include the upset of your mum sadly passing, you may of seen
    her as safe and when she passed you lost that safety as your childhood then took a turn for the worst?
    I'm not a therapist by any means, I'm just guessing from experience.
    when my dad died I developed coping methods and some of them still get me to this day,
    I do the 'don't lose me' thing in the supermarket with my mum, I think I'm just scared of being abandoned
    which is how I felt when he died. I've been scared of people leaving since, which has made me un-trusting
    in that aspect in relationships, I never believe people are there for the long run.- so I do somewhat relate to this.
    If something happens when you're young it affects you for the rest of your life unless you try and
    re-wire your thinking.
    when you learn something as a child your mind clings to it, if someone is running towards you and you learn to
    run away then your brain clings to that and it learns that is how to react because you ended up safe in that situation.
    You never try and question why you run away, you just keep that learnt behaviour.

    You're really brave for sharing this, it takes a lot to let people read and have opinions on your personal life
    and things that affect you.
    You truly are an amazing woman and so deserving of happiness. I hope your trip goes well and that you
    get chance to enjoy it.

    xxx

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  57. really interesting post louise, i hope it works out for you on your next trip xx

    dontcrycowboy

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  58. My biggest advice is that if these events make you feel so awful, don't do them. yes, you will miss out on some things, but you are lucky enough to have a job where another opportunity is rigth around the corner. In my opinion it simply isn't worth it because instead of gettign easier it sounds like it gets harder. NO Sprinklerinos want you to feel this way Louise, so please don't do it for our sake either.

    That's what I think [and I understand that others will think differently] for travelling with work. If you're travelling for leisure maybe have a few chats with a counsellor. Nobody can change your past- although I would for you in a heartbeat if I could- but you can change your future with the right help.

    Good luck! All the Sprinklerinos love you so much and it's making me tear up to think taht you love us enough to put yourself through this struggle.

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  59. I know how you feel its more stress rather than anxiety! New places can be so daunting xx


    A Fashion Tale // UK Fashion & Lifestyle Blog

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  60. Hi Louise,

    I really sympathise and can relate a lot. I know you say you don't get attacks but this is still definitely a form of an anxiety disorder. From my experience I would actually say it could be a form of agoraphobia. I suffered from severe agoraphobia for about a year when I was 19. For a long while I couldn't even leave my front door. I saw my bed/room as a place of safety and the further I was from it the more I felt like a fish out of water. But as I started to overcome it slowly (through CBT which was lot of hard work) I was slowly able to walk down the road, and then around my area, then out of my area as long as I knew it was easy to get home, then anywhere in London (where I lived), and so on. But even when I was happy to go around London I was still agoraphobic as I couldn’t travel outside of it, if you catch my drift. About a year later I finally reached the stage where I found myself able to travel out of the continent to America all by myself with no anxiety at all, and that’s when I knew I was ‘cured’. A few months before hand the idea of being so far from home would have evoked absolute terror.

    Your father does have the right idea in what he said to you. When I first decided to get help I heard a quote by someone who travelled a lot. He said that his friend once asked him if he ever got lost and he told them no, he could never be lost because he was always within himself. When I heard that I knew that was my goal; to be able to feel safe within myself no matter where I was, and that’s what I worked towards and achieved. Because I overcame this when being in such a state I know first hand that it’s possible to achieve and that you can do it. I’m so familiar with the feeling of being unsafe away from home and I can now see how brave you are for attending all these events and putting on a brave face! Also for putting it out there now as I know it’s so hard to convey.

    Because you’ve always felt this way about being far from home your body/mind now associates being away with danger; your brain will literally send signals that you are in danger when you go away because it now associates being away with the panic feelings you’ve experienced in those scenarios, thus think they are dangerous or 'bad'. It’s a viscous cycle that can’t be broken unless you find a way to be able to associate travelling/being away with ‘calm’. There are different ways to do this but I definitely recommend CBT as that’s what really helped me.

    I hope you can relate to this and that it can help you. Please do contact me if you have any questions amanicarson@gmail.com


    Amani
    xxx

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  61. Louise! You are not alone! Thank you for being brave and writing it out. Thank you.

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  62. I think a lot of people worry about visiting new places they haven't been before and I can understand why you are worrying because you visit so many places now because of your job. Just remember that you're lucky to have friends that will always tell you that everything will be ok. x

    www.savvysuperstylish.blogspot.co.uk

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  63. You are not alone Louise - a recent trip with my friend and her family to another country had me miserable. I would cry every single day, felt sick with nerves 24/7 and just wanted to go home.
    However, I think a lot of it is to do with CONTROL. You feel like you are not in control of the situation, which causes the panic/stress/anxiety. Its very hard to deal with, but just know you are not the only one.

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  64. A new place for me is just another place. I don't feel connected to it really. I think it scares my boyfriend how much I love my home. I've put parts of me in it and vice versa. People always have a goal to travel all over the world for a good amount of time. I couldn't imagine doing it because I abhor planning. Thank you for sharing this bite of life with us Louise!

    doitfortheirony.blogspot.com

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  65. Louise,

    I am not the sort of person who comments on blogposts or youtube videos (yet here I am!!) & I don't think I am part of your demographic, but I felt moved by the honesty of your post and how much you struggle.

    It is hard to suggest ways of coping with something like this, as coping mechanisms are so incredibly personal and it sounds like you have developed some already which are fairly effective (seeking out friends who know how to make you feel calmer, going home asap etc). I guess what anyone would want in this situation is to not feel like this in the first place or at least not feel quite so bad.

    I also had a very difficult childhood and I struggle with many issues today as a result of it, so I have sought help to manage my difficulties. I'm not an expert or a professional, but reading your story above and having watched your videos I felt like I might have something to offer you (I hope I'm right and that I'm not way off the mark!).

    You say that you aren't sure why you're like this, but I think you're probably right to wonder if its because of your childhood experiences. It makes total sense upon hearing your story that you would feel unsafe in new places. You talk about being scared to leave school, which was your place of safety, to go into a place where you were subjected to violent and nasty treatment. It sounds like going to new places, countries or hotels etc, is very like leaving school at 3.35pm and walking into that scary home environment, where you were waiting for something awful to happen. I would imagine, if Im not too far from the truth, that what you feel when you are in those new places or thinking about being in them, is similar to what you felt in your home environment when things weren't safe for you. Its like being re-traumatised. It also makes sense to me that you would find men more comforting, because as I understand from your videos, it was a woman who was violent towards you.

    I don't know if what I've written makes sense to you or not. I know from my own experience that trying to understand things in a logical, intellectual way doesn't always work but trying to work out feelings (even if they seem irrational or illogical!) can help to ease what you're struggling with.

    Even if what I've written is off the mark and not at all helpful, please be kind to yourself. You are definitely not pathetic and stupid for having these feelings and experiences. When you feel terrible dread and anxiety about being somewhere unsafe, be gentle with yourself and mother yourself (I know mothering yourself isn't easy if you have lost your mum - I have too). Treat yourself as if you were Darcy, if she were feeling this way - with patience, understanding, compassion and lots of reassurance.

    I hope that my little ramble has offered you a perspective that might be helpful, and not insulted you in any way (I always worry about things like that!). However, if not I also have a fun little trick that might help somewhat - before you leave home, imagine an invisible sparkly string attaching you to the people and things that make you feel grounded and safe e.g. your house, family, cats etc. The sparkly string is unbreakable and of infinite length and it will travel with you wherever you go. When you start to feel unsafe, think of the sparkly string binding you with the things that ground you and imagine all their strength and love building you up. (Kind of like a giant, but invisible, sparkly umbilical cord - GROSS!!).

    Best wishes, and I hope that you find a way to manage this horrible situation (and aren't too weirded out by the sparkly umbilical cord!!).

    xx

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  66. Hi! I know what you mean, although I do not experience the same fears. but I know the feeling of knowing you're supposed to enjoy something but all you wanna do is cry, which only makes this feeling worse. What helped me is just talking with someone who understands and realising you are there, so you better enjoy it because it's not going to help if you get all stressed. And maybe, although I think you tried everything already, but is could be helpfull to have like kind of a back-up plan, like if you loose the group, you're just going to get a taxi and go te the hotel. This is probably not really helpfull as I do not kwow what exactly feeling, but I just wanted to let you know that I don't think it's weird, and you should just adjust activities to your fears (quite hard with the youtube events though)... Anyways good luck xxxxx

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  67. I am such a homebody! I'm not necessarily a fan of routine but I don't feel comfortable without the choice to have my own routine, get what I mean? I stopped liking sleepovers and such quite early/when the novelty wore off and although I don't mind the odd weekend trip, I'd hate to travel around as much as you/some other bloggers I see. The furthest I'd been from home is Turkey this Summer and the duration of the first day was me complaining and wishing to go home and telling my boyfriend that I hate holidays, they're not for me...

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  68. Hey Louise,
    First and most importantly you are so brave and courageous for writing your heart out on a page like this!
    In some ways I can relate about a volatile childhood, my Mum passed away when I was 9 and my Dad’s parents moved into our home so my Dad could continue to work and look after us. The emotional abuse that my sister and I suffered under them was the worst. I don’t think people can understand unless they have been through something like this themselves.
    When people who are suppose to love and care for you instead do the opposite it really affects your soul. I am 27 now but back in school no one would have known what was happening back at home. I sought ways to control situations in my life and I know my trigger points which will spark my protectionism.
    Our home and familiar surroundings make us feel protected, people we love supporting us make us feel safe, so trips with Matt and your Dad, 2 of your biggest supporters in life will naturally go better than others.
    Trips where we are one in a crowd can make us feel vulnerable. I often but up a defence of confident and outgoing when I am shaking inside. I have never experienced what you go through but I have journeyed through other things from my past.
    What really helped me was a course at my church called LifeKeys it was hard going revisiting painful aspects of my life but it really helped deal with things that I had buried but were still impacting my life.
    Tons of love x x

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  69. I know how you feel Louise! I suffer from anxiety attacks when I visit new places alone. I don't get to see my "safe person" very much at all, so I am looking for another who I can see more. I hope you find a way to feel calmer, you're not alone! lots of love xx

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  70. Hi Louise! I don't suffer of these kind of problems but I can suggest you to book a GP appointment! Hopefully this will help you and remember, your friends won't judge you for homesickness! Love xx
    Sara

    www.sarapags.eu

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  71. Oh Louise. This post makes me want to squeeze you! You are a very brave women, I look up to you in so many ways it's unreal, your the kind of confident women I wan't to be, The mum I wan't to be one day & wife, the friend I want to be to people! I feel for you so much that your like this, but you do amazing considering! I am so glad Matt is such an amazing husband and there for you like he is. Your a very strong women who I admire and even more after this post, I get anxiety when I am stressed and feel claustrophobic even if I am in a big space and I find just calm breathing helps me, I am lucky I know how/why I suffer and how to calm my anxiety!
    Love You Mummy Glitter Xx
    oliviacherylx.blogspot.co.uk

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  72. I think your doing something incredibly brave by writing this post, I hate change or anything out of my usual 'routine', I have been this way since I was a little girl. I know it's not exactly the same but I can completely relate to that constant state of fear and worry and stress. My boyfriend is my safe person and I always try and tackle new and scary things for me with him as he makes me feel the safest and I know he will look after me. Thank you for writing this post! Lots of love Rachel xxxx

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  73. Reading this post has brought me a lot of comfort- knowing that it isn't just me, a lot of others feel and go through the same issues and more importantly I feel less like I'm going crazy! I've been struggling with the same issues myself, but I must say having read this tonight, nothing is braver than someone being honest about who they are- even with the negatives. So thank you.

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  74. I totally understand where you're coming from. I get pretty bad travel anxiety, which mostly manifests itself as nausea/loss of appetite. I feel unsettled so my stomach unsettles itself. I combat this partly by treating the symptoms (with tums, gum, dramamine, etc.), which doesn't sound like it would help in your case. I also try to set up the travel in a way that will make me feel most comfortable. Nonstop flights at normal times, etc. I am the opposite of you in that I hate it when travel is overscheduled; it makes me feel trapped. But whatever helps you be more okay, fight for it and don't apologize. You deserve to not be miserable.

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  75. I always felt as if I was the only one who felt this way. But my parents tend to not really understand it (because I haven't told them much). Like they get annoyed at me because I "always" talk about youtube but that is because it's was brings me comfort and I know I am good talking about. Same goes with the food I eat I have a small taste pallet because new things scare me and make me uncomfortable. It was like in half term I went to Paris with my family and on the last night my dad was forcing me to eat a huge thing because "I need to eat more foods" and "its cheaper" but I was so uncomfortable with it I was very close to tears. Every time I do something new it leads to a string of panic attacks or near ones. The point I am trying to make is that I am so freaking glad it's not just me.

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  76. Wow, you are so unbelievably brave! This made me emotional, it is EXACTLY how I feel. The stress/unease, not wanting to burden your friends, etc. We should travel together and make each other feel better! I even get this when travelling with family and living on my own since a year, I just can't help it, I want to go home... Now how to explain people around me that this is what bothers me...

    THANK YOU
    for this blogpost and for being you, your videos always make me feel better!

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  77. Do not feel silly or pathetic, EVER! I look up to you so much and also have the same problems relating to anxiety (though thankfully not to the same extent!) However, a tip I have that might help you is whenever you are going on trips abroad or even to a friends house, take something with a familiar smell or something you are used to seeing every single day (t-shirt, teddy (despite being 18 years old lol), pillow, anything!) It really helps me and I hope it will help you too xxx

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  78. I don't know of this will help you (it helps me) but everything gets too much, picture yourself outside of the situation like looking down on everything going on- look at the bigger picture and focus on everything around you and you will realise you're not in any danger. Also, keep thinking that time isn't going to stop and soon, whatever is making you anxious will stop and it's only a matter of time until you'll feel safe again; you will get through it and the situation will pass- everything happens for a reason, and every second you spent worrying is a second you'll never get back. What will be will be x

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  79. Although I have had home sickness maybe twice in my life, I do understand what it`s like to feel like this. I`m sorry to hear you`re struggling with it so much, though I want you to know that it`s very brave both to talk about it this openly, and very brave that you still go to these events and places and aren`t letting it stop you! That`s an IMMENSE achievement every time again, that must cost you so much energy I can hardly imagine. Kudos to you, it`s a show of your strength and determination.

    I`ve seen people suggest CBT (cognitive behaviour therapy), which might be a good suggestion. I`m a bit hesitant to say you "definitely have anxiety" as I`m not a trained professional, but you might want to look into it and maybe get in touch with a professional. I also know people who get relaxation pills of some kind, which helps them calm down in stressful situations. You might want to ask a doctor about that, if you`re interested.

    Another idea might be to do put on some music that makes you feel happy or powerful and do a silly little dance in your hotel room before you go out, as dancing can release happy hormones that make you feel more relaxed, happy and confident. There`s also a thing called "power poses", standing like superwoman for two minutes, which is scientifically proven to make you feel more confident and in control. There`s a TED talk about this that you can look up on youtube.

    You can also try bringing something that smells nice, a smell that calms you down, maybe put some of it on a cloth that you can carry in a purse or like a spray you can put on your hand so you have it close to you. The sense of smell is very linked to emotion, and a calming smell can help calm you down. For me, vanilla helps, but it`s entirely personal and up to you.

    And a quote that always helps me immensely, is one I saw on Tumblr: remember that you have a track record of 100% of making it through these things. You`re doing great.

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  80. Leigh Ann Irvine7 November 2014 at 19:57

    Sometimes, a problem shared is a problem halved. Try not to put too much pressure on yourself to 'have a good time'. Be a bit selfish, suggest places to go that you are comfortable with. Seek out a hotel that's near to some of your comfort places, or make plans of how to get to some of those places. I know this isn't always fully possible, but whilst Darcy is only wee and not in school, take her and Matt with you! They're your team :) even if they sometimes chill in the hotel room whilst you're out - you have that safe haven to come back to.

    You are so very honest and open, and you should never feel weak for this. You are empowering so many people to do the same, and that's pretty cool! x

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  81. "All gone?"-Moviecraft-3.ep.-: http://youtu.be/WmePLJB5ZAI
    Can you do that it means a world for me and follow me on twitter @jellydoes
    Can you do that Sprinkle?

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  82. I truly admire you for writing this post and sharing it with you so many readers, that shows a lot of strength and the fact that you do want to move on from feeling like this, not just mope about it. I find it super comforting to bring my own pillow and blanket when I travel if possible. I just like knowing that they are mine, a sort of security blanket (somewhat literally). If you don't already, I would recommend bringing something that you can snuggle with to bring you comfort. It's amazing that your friends are so supportive! If they help you through tough times like these, you know they will always be there for you! xx

    laurenlad.blogspot.com

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  83. Oh.
    Yes, yes, yes exactly this, a thousand times this. I thought I was the only one.
    I also have emetophobia (fear of vomiting), so it makes travel even harder.
    WHAT IF SOMEONE WERE TO GET CARSICK/AIRSICK/FOOD POISONING/DRANK TOO MUCH?
    I tent to isolate myself as a result.

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  84. I really admire you for writing this post. I understand completely how you feel xx

    louleecutie.blogspot.co.uk

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  85. Louise you shouldn't need to feel silly, silly! It is totally normal and happens to a lot of people, who like you, don't like to make a huge deal about it. You are such a strong woman and a role model to many! Hope you feel a bit better after being so honest in this post :)
    Lots of love, Amy xxxx

    http://amymonk.blogspot.co.uk/

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  86. Louise, I have the exact same thing as you! Just know that you are not alone! I have the same things : the homesick feeling, wanting to be home and feeling like a complete failure if there are trips that you just can't take it anymore and leave. It helps me as well if I have a very set schedule. I noticed that what I fear most is the time when I am alone, because then there will be nothing to distract me from those feelings. That's why I always bring guided meditations. Just listening to someone's relaxing voice makes it easier and then I don't have to feel alone . I hope this will help you a bit! Just remember that everyone is different. You just don't like to travel and are scared of those things and that is okay. And know : if you really hate it, just don't do it! You have to choice to not do it, so just don't if it feels to uncomfortable (yet). Wishing you the best!

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  87. Thanks for such an honest post. To be honest, I think we're all wired differently and some of us are home birds where others like to spread their wings. I'm a traveller - I love going to places (I went to Venice, Whitby, Cornwall and Wales this year so far) and I'm planning to go to France next year. On the other hand, my partner is a total home bird and is already freaking out about next year's France holiday. I think you've recognised you have a problem and now it's just about finding how you cope best - there may not be a magic spell, but there will probably be triggers you can use to make yourself feel better.

    Lizzie's Daily Blog

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  88. Oh, Louise! This made me cry and want to give you the biggest hug imaginable! I am I SO sorry you have to deal with this but I completely understand. I have dealt with anxiety in the past and it has REALLY flared up lately. I barely go outside because I panic and when I have to go into town I can't wait to get home. I hate it because I've always been a social butterfly, but things in recent years have really messed with my head. A friend told me about this book and it has started working wonders for me. It's called "the power of right believing" and it's by Joseph Prince. I really think it might help you too. <3 I can fully relate to everything you described, but don't want to continue this novel in your comments section. :) If you have any questions about the book, or ever just need a friend to talk to that understands, my twitter is @BrookeSalas. Sending you loads of hugs, love and prayers. You are beautiful and inspiring - NEVER forget that!

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  89. You're not alone Louise!! I thought I was the only one, just being silly over-thinking.
    I get uncomfortable, jittery, or sad in new places too - recently I was in New York and found myself feeling sad/upset/worried whenever I saw my best friend wasn't near taking care of me like she does when we go out at home (she doesn't have to, she just knows I'm an emotional baby who likes comfort so she makes sure she's always there because she's just a great gal haha).

    It used to be as bad as getting off at the bus stop after mine because I needed to get to Waitrose on my own. Instead of usually having my headphones in, blasting Beyonce and jumping off the bus to the very safe destination that is Waitrose - I would sit quietly and tensely, worrying, because it was one stop further away from the safe circle of home and unknown.

    But I push myself to go out to the unknown because I know it will be good for me in the long run. If that means going to Madagascar with my school for a month so I can help in building a school for children in an isolated village with no contact whatsoever allowed home, and literally crying every night because of this (I knew the human body carries a lot of water, but... wow. Impressed I wasn't all wrinkly and dried up like a raisin by the time I got back home) then I will. Because it means I'll be able go back to the other side of the world later on in my life, not surrounded by the things that are attached with home, but able to have Beyonce blasting in my ears because I'd taken that step and made it known and comfortable.

    You can do it Louise. Make the step when you're feeling daring and maybe you'll be surprised, and find yourself feeling how you did in Seattle, or how I feel now when I go to Waitrose. ;) xxx

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  90. Hi Louise,

    It took a massive amount of courage to not only write, but post this. And, there is absolutely nothing you should feel silly or embarrassed about. I'm not a therapist or doctor and apart from a few psychology classes in college, I know nothing about the field, but have you ever read about agoraphobia? It almost sounds like that might be what you are dealing with. I know the movies make it seem like agoraphobics can't leave their homes at all - but that's not the case. As I understand it, agoraphobia is the inability to feel safe in public or unfamiliar places especially where crowds may gather. Like I said, no medical background at all, so I'm probably talking a load of rubbish, but it may be something to look into or talk to your doctor about. I wish you the very best of luck.
    Carol

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  91. I catch the train to college every day, and even though I do it every day I still get anxious! Once I had to get the train to a different stop than normal, and I was actually shaking even though it was only 2 stops past mine, and in the same town I live in. Although I get more anxious about people rather than places, which gets in the way of me making friends, I understand how you feel :3

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  92. Oh Louise! If I could hug you and tell you how brave you have been by writing this I would....sort of hard because I'm in Australia, but let's pretend shall we?
    I am exactly the same, I thought I was the only one and I always feel like such a burden and such a (for want of a better word...) loser when I tell people about it. I've found those who don't understand try really hard, if they're nice of course, but they often have this look or feel about them which sort of says "huh ok....just try to forget about it then?" It's not that easy though! Plus I actually get so jealous of people who seem to adjust so easily to change haha!
    I even panic when someone changes the plans last minute when I'm home and it doesn't work to the time plan I had worked through my head to keep my emotions at bay! There's nothing I can really say to help because I know from personal experience that nothing anyone says ever really works unless they're very , very special to you. Try planning as much as you can, I always have an emergency escape route, excuse or plan tucked up my sleeve so I can make a quick exit if I know it's all getting too much. Comforting things from home etc also help sometimes :)
    Thank you so much for posting this Louise xxx

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  93. I used to be really bad with new places but I think I'm getting better now! A few years ago I would never go anywhere new alone but it stopped me from doing so many things! One of my dreams is to explore this beautiful world and I guess that dream has pushed me to do more and more things that I would have never done a couple years ago! I actually went to Belgium with my aunty not too long ago. Just me and her and luckily my dream to explore made me feel safe, happy and not so anxious. I looked at the positive side of things! The fact that I'm in this amazing place and I have the opportunity to do it! I feel more confident and safe than I used to ever be and I'm so glad! It took me quite a while to open up to going to new places and yes it's really hard. I totally understand where you're coming from Louise! I still find it hard especially if it's a new place where I'm meeting new people! It terrifies me

    The little things in life

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  94. My love, although I cannot sympathise with feelings of stressful anxiety (but can certainly empathise!) I can definitely see where you're coming from about strong men. So many people think it's incredibly unfeminist to need that security of a man but sometimes in life you have to think, yes I need a man hug. I don't know if that's just me but I do feel so much safer with a man. Girlfriends are the best in most other circumstances but if it's safety, I am all for letting a man try to look after me.

    It's a shame that all my possible man-safety-potentials conveniently ignore my texts! Such is life.

    I adore you and your blog - always cheers me up xoxo

    www.whathaveidonethistime.com

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  95. Such an interesting read, thanks Louise! I feel like this to an extent when I am away. I really like being told what the plans are beforehand otherwise I get really stressed out and feel like my time is being wasted. I hope you can find more coping mechanisms to help you!

    www.emandthem.co.uk

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  96. I feel exactly the same in the sense that having someone else there who I'm comfortable with and that I know will care if something is wrong helps me so much, I want to be protected and looked after. When I recently went to Egypt I would have crumbled if I hadn't had my partner there with me. You're not alone in this!
    Love your blog Louise, don't stop writing such wonderful posts!
    xxx
    samanthalfrances.blogspot.com

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  97. Thank you for being brave enough to speak about something so personal! I struggle with the same type of thing and like someone above said, I find planning in advance really helps me. I really hope in time things improve for you! xx

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  98. Maybe this has something to do with your childhood? I don't know if this is possible but maybe when you were a child you were wishing for a safe home where to stay at. Now that you finally have it you don't want to leave it in case something happens. I might be wrong but anyway, keep going through your problem and talking about it and it might not be so bad anymore.

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  99. this makes me feel so emotional
    thank you for sharing this Louise.
    - Aria
    http://arialisslo.blogspot.com/
    @arialisslo (twitter)

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  100. The toddlepip made me feel a little better though

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  101. Hi Louise,
    I'm not sure if this is the same thing, but I get extremely nervous going to new places, but I also get extremely nervous going out to familiar places. I'm never interested in going out with my friends really; I just like to go to school, then come home- I love the routine. I've always attributed this to my being introverted, but I'm still not 100% sure. Either way, I'm sure you're not the only one feeling that way :)

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  102. I admire you so much for sharing this. I don't get the same thing when visiting new places, but I do react similarly when I am quite far from my comfort zone x

    isabellahope24.blogspot.co.uk

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  103. I get this sometimes where if i'm meeting up with people i have to constantly be asking them where they are and where i can meet them because i feel like i'm going to get lost and be on my own. I think this is mainly down to my anxiety though and it seems like you only get this when you're in unfamiliar places whereas i get this in most places. i do also feel like i'm bugging my friends a lot but i think in reality they wouldn't really mind.

    i realise this is probably not the most helpful thing in the world but i find that if you can see that someone else feels the same way then it doesn't really make you feel like you're on your own with it and it can make me feel better sometimes. sorry if this makes no sense, but it kind of made me feel a little better typing this out because i don't usually talk about this stuff with anyone.

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  104. I wish I had advice for you - I suffer from anxiety as well and get irrationally homesick on trips but not quite the same way. But I think it's really brave of you to share this - it's not a thing that you 'had' to share because everyone was dying to know, you just chose to, and I think that's great. It's so easy to trivialize our feelings and be like "No that's dumb" but by sharing things you really realize how many people are going through similar things. And no one's feelings are stupid or trivial - some people experience things more seriously than others obviously (ex. like panic disorder vs. anxiety) but just because something you're going through isn't the most serious thing in the world doesn't mean it's not important. If it's important to you then it matters. I wish that everyone could be so open :)

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  105. I know the feeling, so very well.
    I recently moved from France to Canada, and it was the hardest thing I have ever done. I never thought I could, because it never even felt safe to go to a friend's house for the night (funny fact: I always carried my comfort blanket (Yes, I am 22, and I still have a comfort blanket that I took with me across the ocean)). I'm slowly feeling home here, but it never is quite the same than... home, really.

    I believe the feeling will never truly go away and that I'll have to deal with it my whole life, but moving so far away from home, and stepping so far away from my comfort zone helped me feel little less stressed about it all. Even though I will feel stress the next time I'll have to move or go visit a place I've never been to, I believe it will be fine.

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  106. Thank you so much for writing this, Louise! It's so nice to know I'm not alone in feeling this way. I'm 24 and I still hate staying away from home. I can count on two hands the number of times I've actually slept somewhere other than my own bed. And I really hate it because it does hold me back from doing things I would otherwise love to do, but I don't know how to overcome it. Everything you said struck such a chord with me, like trying to explain it to people, and feeling silly because it sounds like such a trivial thing when in actual fact it's almost like it controls the social part of your life. I'm so happy that you have certain people who can make the situations even slightly better, and understand enough to try and help, and I really hope you manage to fight this! Again, you're so brave for sharing this. Thank you! <3

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  107. Change can be so, so hard. I've never suffered the way you do, in fact I love to travel (I'm an air hostess) and do it often. However; I do understand your fears in other ways. Every time I enter a new stage of life I feel that fear. When I was first in university I called my mum anywhere from 3-10 times a day because I was so homesick. I was the first out of the house and had such a hard time coping. My mum would tell me everyday for 3 and half months that if I wanted to come home I could. I knew that being in school was the right thing so I pushed on, but it was so hard. When I graduated university in April I got a job in a new place with all new people and the discomfort was so real, I'm still feeling it 6 months later. Because of my job, stability is a bit out of the question so I don't have many friends in the area to lean on. I found for myself that pushing through the pain and discomfort always pays off in the long run because I adjust, learn, and grow...but it hurts for every second up until that point. I wish I had a better answer for you because our fears are a little different, but just knowing you're not alone is comforting. Fear is a natural reaction to the unknown; I always have the strongest impression to just run away, back to what I know, but we will never grow if we always run back. You're not alone, Louise! Keep making baby steps in the right direction because you may not believe it, but you're doing brilliantly. xx

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  108. wow look at all the support your getting, your fans are amazing ^_^
    Although I dont suffer with this to that extent I can totally understand your fear! I've
    recently won a trip and decided to go for the 14 days in Asia as I've wanted to travel
    for so long, but now its becoming a reality I'm absolutely terrified as I will have no one
    there I know and be so far from home. I think dealing with fears can help massively as most
    of the stress about it is in your head.

    I would tell yourself its fine that your stressed and worried, your only human. Go on the trip
    and think of all the fun things your going to do and keep that to the front of your mind. At the start
    of each day write down what you were worried about and re read it in the evening to see if it actually happened or if your thoughts have changed? It should help you to comfort those fears, although not overcoming them but reassuring yourself that you are still okay. I'm going to do this for my trip to Asia so I can see all the fears I have overcome. Its all about keeping calm inside but not thinking your stupid for feeling those feelings :)

    Sorry for the essay, I just really wanted to try and help <3
    Big hugs Louise!
    Khrissie xxx

    www.khrissieloves.com

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  109. Change can be incredibly tough! I moved from London to Canada right after I graduated, on my own with nobody that I knew, I have a very hard time making friends and suffered bullying extremely badly since school which made me very distrustful and defensive. Surround yourself with those people that you know love and care for you (I know that sounds obvious) it truly helps, I am lucky to have my Husband and my 2 incredible best Friends, even if one is on the opposite side of the world). Just know that you have a wonderful Family now, incredible Friends by your side and loads of people who care about you.
    From someone who suffers from Massive Anxiety thank you for your wonderful posts. It's incredibly brave of you to write this post today. Keep doing what you love, We all think you're amazing!

    Best Wishes
    Ellie
    maplesyrupandteacups.blogspot.com

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  110. You're such a strong women in my eyes. I wish I can reach through the computer and give you a huge hug! It's okay to feel what you feel. I'm like that too. I feel more comfortable in my room than I do elsewhere and it's hard for me to leave the house sometimes. I hope you're okay.

    cyndeexo.blogspot.ca

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  111. Hi Louise,
    I don't pretend to be an expert in this, but I know that when I go to new places, the thing that really gets to me is a lack of routine. I really value routine in my day to day life, and I find that in new places it becomes really hard to follow. When I went to University, it took me ages to get settled properly, as I was missing structure in my day. What I tried to do was build in little things that I did regularly, like going to buy a newspaper on Sundays, and other things that I would do when I was at home. I don't know whether this will help in any way at all but it is definitely something that helps me when I feel unsettled. It sounds like you are making great progress in conquering this, and I'm sure that you will continue to.
    Best of luck!
    A x

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  112. Thank you for voicing this - I am the same and its SO hard to describe - places I feel good in, like my home, my car are my "safe" places and people I'm with who know my issues and reassure me are my "safe" people. Anything outside if that is just plain scary and are tense, anxious times. When my ex husband left me & my 3 kids and we were on our own I spent many months panicking and in tears as I WAS alone. But I made it. I still avoid a LOT of normal things and activities, and wish I could get over that as my kids only have me to take them places, but its just a step too far. Its such a relieving feeling knowing that someone who can step in front of a camera, and actually get to the events you do, has the same issues but still does it anyway. It gives me hope. Thank you xxx

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  113. Aw Louise. This made my really sad :( I've watched you on YouTube now for over 2 years and you are such an inspiration. Your confidence astounds me so to think that you feel this way surprises me. As I don't have this same problem or know anyone who does I can't really give you advice or fully understand how you feel. Nonetheless I believe that other people can and you can deal with this frustrating problem! Now I live in Australia and I'm going to be honest here, when I read that you guys could have been coming here but now aren't nearly made me cry. I understand that you need to look after yourself but apart from the climate and the currency, there really is no difference! I hope you are able to deal with this fear as I would absolutely love to meet you and all the others! Stay strong Louise xxx

    everythingabbierose.blogspot.com

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  114. I am the same as you, I recently went new York which I was a bit freaked out about as I took my mother with me, we had a brilliant time but it looked like we were stuck at the hip the whole time lol

    Need lashes which will be as long and full as you want without the horrible cost that goes with them? check out the link below and look for our next competition!

    http://shimzbeauty.com/rocking-those-lashes/

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  115. Wow. This post is so reassuring. I read it and it describes all the fears I have whenever I go to new places. The fact you get a bit teary when considering coming to Australia does make me a little sad. Though, I leave to fly from Sydney to London in just over three weeks and I am terrified of the big plane trip and being so far away from family and friends. I'm sure nothing will happen and all will be fine. But that fear is dampening my excitement for the trip. I just hope having my sister with me will make being in a few place, surrounded by new people (I'm going on a tour) a little bit easier.

    I hope we can all overcome all this uncertainty around new places! There is so much of the world to see; to think any one of us could miss out on that makes me sad.

    Jen x
    aka ReelDork

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  116. Hey Louise!
    I myself don't like being around large groups of people and I most definitely fear getting lost if I am going somewhere new. If I am traveling I am the most over prepared person you will ever meet. I figure out what I want to do on each day of my trip and plan my day. This means getting directions and addresses for each place I am going as well as knowing times they are open and how much it will cost. I keep all that on my phone. I also use an app that can tell me where I am even with out 3G. All you need to do is leave wifi on and it will know where you are and can give you directions. Also if I am unsure of a hotel or something I will research it to death. On my last flight I even looked up to see if I would have to pay extra because I myself am overweight. I think if you want to feel safe you need to prepare yourself and research everything ahead of time. Being prepared will make you feel comfortable enough to travel and have a good time.

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  117. Thank you so much for having the courage to write this Louise! I understand how you feel completely, I'm 17 and I have been feeling like this over the last two years or so. I find it incredibly hard to go anywhere that isn't school or a family member's house without my mum, dad and brother (but not my younger sister for some reason). When I go to unfamiliar places I'm overcome with a feeling of panic and stress, this is made even worse when I'm not with my family. Due to the fact I feel this way in most social situations I'm becoming more and more isolated from friends. My friends go out frequently, to parties, concerts etc whereas I feel incredibly uncomfortable and anxious when I'm in these situations. I even find it too much to go to friends houses that I've known for years.
    However, I then feel guilty after having made lame excuse after lame excuse as to why I can't go to this place or that. I feel really embarrassed to tell my friends about I the way feel, it just seems so pathetic.
    Although, I do feel better about how I feel, thanks to this post and the comments, so thank you! I feel a lot less silly knowing that other people suffer like this too! xxx

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  118. Hi Louise, although I am not happy you feel this way, it feels good to know there is someone out there who understands how I feel. I also frequently feel lost, even when I am surrounded by those who love me. I find myself thinking through scenarios in my head, to try to plan would I would do if I got lost from the group or a strange person tried to speak to me. Sometimes that helps, but not always. Something that has helped me, though, is a small piece of curtain. That's sounds kind of strange, but I carry a small piece of curtain or a blanket from home, and whenever I started to feel very anxious or overly paranoid, I just stick my hand in my handbag, and rub the piece and think about home. I know it seems strange, but so do my feelings, so sometimes it helps. You are such an amazing person, going from country to country and city to city meeting fans and trying new products to share with them. As someone who has been a loyal fan from the beginning, I thank you for that. And thank you for sharing this with us. We all love you and appreciate your efforts <3 <3 <3 Stay stunning, lovely. <3

    Brooklynn | That Brooklynn Paige

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  119. I think that just the fact that you have been on all these adventures when you are so obviously uncomfortable with them shows how strong you are! I guess maybe it's time to start thinking abut Louise and what's best and most enjoyable for *her* travel-wise. I suppose the male thing is because you had such a horrid female 'role-model' - if you can call it that, maybe 'experience' - growing up. I genuinely think though that if you should feel as comfortable as you can be doing what you're doing, and if you do experience such nasty homesickness then you should have a little think (regardless of the pressure of the job) about what's best for you. Crowds aren't fun in any instance, the kinds you face are un-thinkable!

    I think it's really brave of you to share this, it's something that could be so easily overlooked or ridiculed. Comfort-zones are difficult things to justify - once you identify them it's much easier to console yourself. In a good way. Kudos, innit! Much love xx

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  120. Hi Louise, I am so grateful to you for writing this post because I went through a time in my life where I felt like this and I felt completely alone and didnt feel able to talk to anybody because I felt they would judge me.I hope this is ok to talk about here but I just wanted to share with you what I have done to overcome this because it has had a such a huge positive impact on my life. Like you I had a pretty difficult childhood and because of this I was recommended by someone to try constellation therapy (I know to some people therapy sounds like there is something seriously wrong with you but I dont think of it like this-i think it is so important to take care of our health physically and mentally and therapy is always helpful even for small areas of your life you could be a bit stuck with !)

    Anyway there are a few people who offer this around the UK and it is a way of looking at yourself not just as an individual but as someone that has come out of an interwoven and interconnected family system. There are reasons why you are the way you are and when you look back at your parents and their parents and how their lives have shaped them you suddenly begin to understand why you might be wired the way you are. There is a lot more to it and I wish I could express myself better for you but it has honestly helped my so much and worked for me so much better than any CBT or anything like that.Anyway if you would ever like to know anything more about it I am always here and would love to talk:) x

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  121. More people understand than you think :) i am like that on nights out and in big groups of people, i always shut myself in my room and have to leave early. My best friend is so understanding and he looks after me so much, which i am very lucky for. You are not pathetic or weird for this and you are certainly not alone in it xxxxx

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  122. Hi Louise!

    I'm quite new to your blog so apologies if this is old news, but have you tried CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy)? It helps you rationalise your fears and provides tools to help deal with anxiety and stress. It helped my husband overcome his flying phobia over 4 years ago, and he's gone from cancelling holidays at the last minute (by simply not turning up at the airport!) to travelling all over the world. Mind you, he still doesn't enjoy flying (but who does really?), but equally he has no major problems getting on a plane.

    Whatever coping strategy you choose to adopt, I just want to say you're definitely on the right track! Having the courage to speak out about it is definitely a positive step towards your recovery!

    Lil x

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  123. Really nice post. You may not think its anxiety but on some level it is. Anxiety comes in many forms. Its really great that you don't let it hold you back from trying new things!

    Renee | www.losetheroad.blogspot.ca

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  124. I have to say, I knew I had some sort of "going out anxiety", but until i read this I didnt realize how bad I actually get sometimes when I have to go places. Your emotions you described are exactly what I deal with when I have to go somewhere, like grocery shopping, going out with (friends, and even just driving to a place gets me this way. And I also had awful, I mean AWFUL, homesickness when I was a child. To the point that my parents stopped letting me do sleepovers cause they got sick of having to come get me in the middle of he night because I would have fits of sadness. Its a terrible problem and thank you so much for sharing this. I always thought I was the only person to have this weird "silly little homesickness" that no words can really describe. ♡♡

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  125. Hey Louise,
    Firstly, I'm surprised! I sort of had this image of you being so perfect and funny and cute and NEVER scared of anything - which is a bit silly really, but knowing that you have problems too it makes you even more relateable :).
    I had this thing with blushing. It started when I was 20 and it was the worst thing that ever happened to me. It was very much anxiety-based, and when I blushed it was combined with a panic attack at the same time. I had never experienced anything like this before, and was completely terrified that I was losing my mind. I could be doing my makeup and suddenly feel completely panicked, then see my face was bright red. There's no real way of hiding that, which makes it all the more humiliating, especially if someone comments on it. I felt like my whole life had come to a standstill; all I was doing was try to survive each day. It didn't ever develop into depression, thank god, but anxiety on it's own was hard enough. I talked to a few people, did some research, and there was ONE thing that a friend of the family (who was a psychologist) said that helped. It's like Zoe's video - just say yes. I used to avoid places that scared me, that I knew were triggers. I used to get my husband to pay for things, as I found the whole payment system scary. I don't even know why. Slowly I started reintroducing things into my routine that previously freaked me out - it desensitised me to them. It took about a year and a half after that before I considered myself "cured" but I tell you, the fact that I recovered from anxiety is the #1 thing I am proudest of in my life. Since I learnt to say "yes," I've said yes to things that I never would have before the anxiety, so in a strange way, I'm glad it happened. I've had some amazing things happen in my life because of this new attitude.
    Anyway, I know it doesn't completely relate to your situation, as yours is quite specific rather than broad like mine - but in case it helps you or someone else who's reading this, bottom line is don't run away from the things that scare you! Embrace it and see it as a challenge, and if you keep it up I PROMISE things will get better. xx

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    1. I also went through this period of a fear of blushing when doing my GCSE's at school. I can relate to how awful it was. I'm so glad I read this comment and know I'm not the only one. I recently did a presentation at uni for 10 minutes and went the whole way through without blushing and honestly I feel like it's a massive accomplishment for me. I found myself constantly wearing my hair down to cover my face, wearing blusher so that it looked like it was intentional and I would like you avoid anything that would make me blush. I found pinching myself at the time really helped because my brain would be like "ouch pain" and it would stop me thinking about whatever was causing me to blush. Now I am so proud of how far I've come with it and I think it was just pushing myself out my comfort zone like you did. I got a part time job, I had to speak to new people everyday and answer phones and I was forced to do things I hated and realised hey it's not that big a deal. I think a massive part ofi t too is faking it till you make it. If you feel anxious inside remember noone else knows that etc.

      Lots of Love,

      Abby x x

      What Abby Loves

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  126. Hi Louise, I just wanted to say that I experience the exact same thing, the fear that is almost constantly with you is an awful experience that no one should have to go though. My therapist offered me a coping mechanism where I go to a quite place close my eyes, and enter a safe space in my head. I can be anywhere that provides you with the most comfort (mine is a cozy cabin). I stay in that head space until I feel safe enough to go on with whatever I was doing. I know this might not work for you but I though it was worth mentioning. Thank you for being honest, strong and amazing!

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  127. As a Psychologist, who also struggles with the same issue, I urge you to seek therapy. This is an anxiety disorder and it is treatable! I know it doesn't feel like it is, but I assure you that a trained professional can help! Don't miss out on these amazing oppertunities because of something that can be fixed! This takes courage to talk about and well done taking the trips inspite of the fears! Good luck on your Journey towards recovery :)

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  128. Hi Louise!
    I don't think this is pathetic or silly at all. Everyone reacts differently to things and everybody has different things they can't cope with and their reasons for that (even if sometimes they don't know them themselves).
    If this is really something you want to change in your life because it affects your happiness and everyday life I actually think you should consider seeing a psychologist. Doing so has nothing to do with being weird or a psycho or anything, it's just a way of looking for someone to help you with a problem you can't solve alone - just as you would go see a doctor if you had a broken leg. I just wanted to point this out because I really do not mean this in an unfriendly or offensive way at all, I'm actually trying to help you find help with your issue. I really, really hope you don't get this wrong and I really hope it does not offend you or anything because of any stereotypes and prejudices people might have towards psychotherapy. I personally think it's just really something everybody should consider as soon as there is something that gets in their way when it comes to living the happy life they deserve (and it's something a psychotherapist could help with). Obviously, I can only speek of personal experience here and the things I could not cope with were different ones but going to psychotherapy did help me. Or maybe it actually helped me to find out how to help myself which is even better.
    Stay strong, Louise, you're a wonderful woman, try not to let it get you down too much! x

    PS: I'm only posting this anonymously because I don't really feel comfortable telling my story publicly on the internet for the first time in a comment. I hope you don't mind.

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  129. I resonated so, so much with the line about feeling welcome but knowing you were a guest in their home. I feel this exact way at the moment, and while you are secure in a sense, there is still a major level of insecurity that comes along with it because it's not your "home".

    nueyork.blogspot.com

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  130. Perhaps you could consider taking a pillow or cushion or object from home that you assosiate with comfort on your trips to keep you calm. I don't know... Just a little suggestion. Have lovely day and thanks for being so honest. X

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  131. I started tearing up reading this because I know exactly how you feel. I hate having this problem because I want to travel the world, but it is hard overcoming. It is a horrible feeling, but I know talking to somebody I trust always relieves some anxiety/uneasiness.

    http://lullabelleslife.blogspot.com

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  132. Hi Louise! I was just flicking through my Bloglovin’ posts this afternoon and I saw your latest update about your travelling anxiety. I don’t know why but it made me really emotional and I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone. You seem like such a strong person on your social media networks and you’re very inspirational to me and many others. Thank you for opening up to your followers in this way.

    I suffer from anxiety about a lot of things too. It took me a long time to face up to the fact that I have anxiety and it’s something that is both traumatic and treatable. 3 years ago I made the decision to leave England and move to Japan. It was initially a temporary solution to my anxiety problems and during this time I’ve grown and become more accepting of my anxiety and the double edged sword it can be. I don’t know about you, but I feel that people who suffer with anxiety are more empathetic to others, more considerate and value their relationships very highly. So perhaps in a way your stress and anxiety about travelling are helping you to check in on the rest of your life.

    My old way of dealing with my worries was to run away from them and refuse to deal with them like an adult. I became very trapped in cyclic thinking and it took me a long time to accept that this is something that only I can change. Someone like you who is actively working on your fears and taking positive steps to make things better for yourself; well, that’s such an inspiration. Your blog and Youtube channel touch so many people all over the world (I can vouch for that) and I am grateful you were brave and confident enough to post about your worries on your blog.

    I hope you receive only positive comments on your latest post; you are doing a great thing by opening up about your fears in public. Hopefully in future we’ll all be able to discuss these issues openly and without fear of ridicule.

    Many cyber cuddles and toodlepips to you from Nagoya!

    Sally

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  133. I have this! I never really thought it was a 'thing' before though. I absolutely hate going anywhere abroad (and although I'm usually okay in the UK, I still need to know EVERY LAST DETAIL). I went to Amsterdam on one of those two day cruises to the city and I felt so pumped in every muscle, like tensed ready to run. I tried to make sure I enjoyed it, but because everything is so scheduled I was like 'right, we have an hour left, lets just go to the bus stop now and wait just so we don't miss it.' We left out such a huge chunk of the city I felt so ashamed that I ruined the trip for my boyfriend. He said I didn't, but I think I did.
    Having him with me helped. I think men are better for that kind of solidity because most things they listen to, think about and then solve/fix/find an answer to.
    I'm loving reading these comments! Thank you so much for sharing your story on this Louise, you and the rest of us will overcome this!

    ohhellojo.blogspot.com

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  134. I think everyone else has said all I wanted to say. You are an amazing strong woman. ((((((BIG HUGS))))))

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  135. I hate going to new places and always feel anxious.
    Thank you so much for writing this post!
    http://inherownsmalllittleworld.blogspot.co.uk

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  136. Everyone gets a little anxious sometimes, some more than others *BIG HUGS*

    http://photographyalice.blogspot.co.uk

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  137. I have the exact same problem, I try to push myself to go to events and parties because I don't want to miss out and lock myself in my own bubble too much but then most times I end up feeling miserable. I've had panic attacks before but usually just like you it's just a growing fear in the pit of my stomach and it doesn't go away. I've had to call my mum to get me countless times when I was younger.
    I think the only things that helps me to cope are drinking just like you, not a good mechanism for sure but helps me relax for a bit, and just knowing that there is someone there to stay with me and make me feel better if I get panicky. Especially if it my best friend who knows all about my anxieties or a strong parental figure, like some of my older friends who I've known since 10 year +. Also knowing that I can leave at anytime if I'm too overwhelmed and planning everything in advance.

    On my part I know it must be linked in some ways to losing my dad and feeling abandoned because of it, I'm not quite sure exactly how, it doesn't make any sense to me, I know my family is not gonna die if I leave for an extended amount of time but I can't help it. I just don't feel quite safe anywhere else than home.

    I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and send good vibes so hopefully you can feel a little less stressed about this trip that is coming for you. I hope that you and everyone in the comment section will be able to overcome this, there is hope, just keep going !

    Charlie xx
    http://charlieleschroniques.blogspot.fr/

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  138. First of all I send you a loong hug xx
    I can't imagine what it feels like...
    Even though I had a similar experience last summer. I went to a party trip with my friends from school, because we graduated the month before.
    I'm not much of a Party Girl, but I didn't want to miss out on something (you propably know that feeling).
    The first night, I went home first and found myself crying in the bed trying to fall asleep.
    The next days were better, but I noticed that I had a little countdown in my head waiting to go home again..That's hard because I wanted to enjoy myself so bad.
    I noticed that I'm not for this type of holidays with a lot friends.
    I really enjoy vacations with my Family, boyfriend or my very best friends.
    So it must be hard that even that is sometimes not possible for you..Especially because vacations should improve your wellbeing.
    But I also often have that feeling when I'm out with a lot of friends on partynights or just somewhere that I imagine myself rather doing something else. But I'm always thinking about missing out things..But is that really worth it dragging yourself to do things?
    I know you have that problem to a whole other extend. But it's your life and you can do whatever makes you happy..And when that is going to the same place to the same hotel every summer to make your feel good, where ist the problem?
    And if that is filming videos chatting to us happily rather than being on Amityfest in Australia unhappy I see absolutely no Problem in that.
    I know it's propably still very hard for you. But I hope we can all help a little bit to make you feel better
    .
    Liz (who can't efford to go to a show anyway and would rather see a chatty, personal video from you and loves your blog and your channel no matter what)
    xxx

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  139. Hey Louise! x First of i just want to tell you, how very very brave you are. You are so incredible! You are not pathetic in any way, and reading that blogpost made me emotional and it also made me understand. I now understand what your homesickness and what going to new places do to you. That to me made me feel closer to you and sometimes, all I need, is to feel close to a person who is a thousand miles away. You are so amazing for writing this and also for maintaining to do new things and to survive! I am so sorry you have to go trough this and I wish with all my heart that I could help, but I don't think I can. I don't like meeting new people and doing things that are unfamiliar to me either but I also love to. I just had to comment saying how not pathetic you were. You are just human and sadly you have to go trough this shit. I have always hated saying this, but maybe you should talk to a psychologist?

    Alrighty I have to eat my breakfast. Love you lots. You are truly incredible.

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  140. Hi there Louise!
    I understand how you feel as I sometimes have problems similar to yours, I'm also having trouble dealing with them. Like you I don't always understand why they happen to me, but I just want to make you aware that I and many others are here for you, you probably won't see this but I want you to know I look up to you in every way possible! I even created a blog inspired by you and Zoe! Maybe if you could check it out?

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  141. So so so many comments! But I thought I'd leave one anyway, on the off chance you manage to read it :).
    Definitely know how you feel to some extent. If I could stay home and chill with people I know and love, I would be a very happy chappy. I love my home, I love my surroundings, and I love feeling like I'm in control of situations. However, just the other month I flew by myself down to the other end of New Zealand and I was so stoked for my little adventure and gradually stepping out, So I guess I don't feel that stress to the same levels you do, but I just want to say that it's ok not to be one of those people who thrill on the unknown and stepping out of their comfort zone. I'm really glad that you have people around you that make you feel safe in those unfamiliar environments (I wish I had more of them). Thank you for writing this post and I think you articulated yourself really well, Louise! Much love and glitter from nz.

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  142. While I will never understand what you truely go through as I have never experienced homesickness that extreme I know, the homesickness I experience is enough to make me feel sick and worried and therefore I would never, ever mean to make you feel bad about it or expect you to travel so far away but I live in Australia and the thought that if AmityFest came and you would not be there makes me a little sad but here's hoping one day I can come to England and see you instead.
    Just a thought, but maybe you could see someone about it and see if they have any suggestions to help. This is just a thought and I know how hard it is to see someone but homesickness is a form of anxiety and I think if could help.
    I send all my love and thank you for opening up so much about this <3

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  143. Hi Louise,
    I realise it may only be a small help, but whenever I feel a bit anxious about going to a new place I look it up on google street view. That way I can check the area out, "walk around" there, beforehand so that it doesn't feel as foreign and new when I actually get there. Obviously it is hard to do this for a whole city, but I can at least look at the place where I'm going to stay and a few places I'm going to see while I'm there, and it makes it all seem more familiar, almost like I've been there before. Hope you feel better!

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  144. Dear Louise:
    It is not silly or stupid, it is not pathetic and it is definitely not something to feel embarrassed or ashamed about. Clearly, from the comments, it's something you're not alone in feeling. I even recognized myself in some parts, even though I don't feel your high levels of stress, but it's enough to know it's the same in a lower extent.
    I realise these are just words to you and won't help much in the long run, but hopefully reading so many people being understanding and even sharing your same pains might be reassuring to you. In the very least, it will make it worth it to have been brave enough to write this down and post it for all of us to read.
    All the best.

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  145. Oh I thought something else to say.
    In a situation like that, music helps me a lot. It is intangible, and fragile, but songs that I know by heart, that I've listened to countless times, they help give me a familiar reassuring feeling.
    Works the same with books too, re-reading a book I love, that I know gives me warm fuzzy feelings. The characters feel like your own friends in that case, like replacement friends you take with you if your real life friends can't be there at the moment.
    All the best (again).

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  146. I understand just how you feel Louise. I'm so scared of travelling that I've passed on two opportunities to do Spanish and German exchanges, despite teachers chasing me and trying to get me to go. I'm terrified of flying, despite only having been on a plane once, when I was tiny, and even get bad dreams about going to new places sometimes. I guess that I would feel happier travelling if I was with my family, or very close friends, but, for me, there's always the anxiety that something bad with happen either there, or at home while I'm away. It's really hard to cope with, but often I feel better having opened to people. If they know what's happening, they can at lease TRY to help. I find distraction is a good technique but in a lot of situations doesn't really work. It's definitely NOT a trivial thing and it does matter. A lot of people get scared of travelling, but for some of us it is just much more amplified. I've been told to think about the odds of whether something will happen, to you or someone you love. It's very unlikely, so generally the best thing is to try and enjoy the event or trip. You could also try stepping a tiny bit out of your comfort zone at a time, perhaps going on a short trip with Matt and Darcy, and then on your own etc. I hope this helped, I'm very glad that you wrote this because I often feel like I'm the only one and I'm spoiling it for myself and everyone else! But I'm not and it is a genuine problem.
    Love,

    Milly xx

    www.abeautyfulblog.com

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  147. Thank you for writing this very personal post Louise. As a person who does "love new places and new experiences and meeting new people" it is a valuable reminder that not everybody feels the same way. Though, the many adventures you take with Youtube would cause a similar reaction in me (a.k.a public speaking).
    I have recently moved to Brighton, UK and for the first time in my life am living on the other side of the world to my dear family and friends (in New Zealand) so I can definitely relate on the homesickness front.
    All the best Louise, you are so fortunate to have a strong, caring group of people around you.
    xxx

    http://erins-everafter.blogspot.co.uk/

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  148. I went to India a few weeks ago (came back a week ago) for a class trip with my school. It was 12 days very far away from home, I live in Denmark, and I've previously dealt with panic/anxiety attacks, though I hadn't had an issue for a year. During the entire trip I felt uneasy, I couldn't ever relax. And like you, it wasn't like an anxiety attack, because it lasted the entire trip. The last five or so days I was so on edge I could start crying any moment without any "trigger". Or if I thought about my parents, brother or just my own duvet for even a millisecond the tears would come. I dont usually have a problem traveling, I've lived abroad with my family, and can feel at ease in any european city. But India was so different, and I felt off the whole trip. Luckily I have a lovely friend who was there with me who could help me have a laugh every so often, and my teachers were also amazing at listening to me when I was especially panicky. So I think I understand your situation, but on a smaller scale xx All the best Louise, you lovely human being xxx

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  149. This is such a great post! I feel the same and it's nice to know someone else suffers with this as well :D
    xoxo

    www.randomindistilling.blogspot.com

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  150. Louise I went through the same thing and relaxation techniques and CBT really help! Also getting to the root of the problem which seems the be your childhood. As we get older we forget that we have memories that we remember still from a childs point of view rather than an adults! Which is why so many find it hard to understand! The feelings your getting is unresolved emotions from when you were a child hence why you need strong people and protection! I hope you can get this sorted and you're so brave for writing a blog on this subject x

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  151. Awww I want to give you a big hug now!! (I just sent a virtual hug <3) Whenever I start to feel panicky I do this breathing method I read online and it helps me a lot. It's where you breathe in for 4 seconds hold your breathe for 7 seconds and then breathe out for 8 seconds. Also nights when I can't sleep to help calm me down or let go of my emotions I'll take a really big deep breath and imagine all the icky feelings inside me going in and I hold it and then I breathe out and I imagine pushing out all the negative and stuff. But yeah hope these things help you and I <3 you!!

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  152. Aw Louise! We all have things that make us anxious - yours just happens to be new places. That's totally fine, my dear! Well done for being so honest though.
    Katie x
    planet-blossom.blogspot.com

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  153. Oh Louise, I can relate to this so much and know exactly what you are describing. I too am a worrier and always have been. Ever since I was tiny I've hated being away from home, I developed a fear of planes because I knew they were taking me somewhere far away from home where I couldn't just come back when I wanted too. When I was four I went to stay at my cousins house who lived an hour and a half drive away and my parents had barely got a foot in the door when they had to come back and get me because I was so upset. Then at school I would dread being invited to peoples houses for sleepovers because I just hated being away from home and where I felt safe. When I did eventually brave a sleepover my mum and dad again had to pick me up and I felt ashamed and embarassed that I wasn't like my other friends. I still am very much like this (not as bad because I try to not let it win) but I still get that rising anxiety and will often give in. I also get it if I'm away from my house for too long so I don't like going somewhere straight from work or straight from uni because it's too long away from home. I don't like spending all day in my uni because I feel more vulnerable than I would at home. I also do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks which I don't think helps but I get that poorly tummy too where it's like dread is in your stomach and it builds until you acknowledge it. I unfortunately don't have many tips but one thing I have found that helps massively is home comforts. I will always take special things that remind me of home when I'm away like a photograph (having them on your phone is not the same), a small teddy or blanket, a cushion or even my mums perfume or my boyfriends afterhshave because it's a familar smell that I associate with being safe and feeling protected. I also share the need to have a male around me for that protection, I'm not sure why but I just like that reassurance that someone is going to be able to protect me if it comes down to it. I hope I helped even a tiny bit. Lots of Love, Abby x x

    What Abby Loves

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  154. This sounds horrible but I can totally relate and I know how hard it it to properly articulate how you're feeling as you don't really understand yourself. Try playing BopIt, that helps me :)

    Heather x
    http://heatherrrrm.blogspot.co.uk/

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  155. oh my gosh this is EXACTLY what i struggle with,i have anxiety also, but this is how i feel away from home,thankyou for making me feel less alone louise xx

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  156. I think you should let your friends know when you're feeling like this and let them know how they can help as I'm sure they'd love nothing more than to be able to make you feel better! Also, when I feel like I can't cope with something or I'm in a situation that really stresses me out I like to put my earphones on, close my eyes, and play some nice, calming or uplifting music. If possible I like a song that relates to what I'm feeling at the moment or to the situation that's making me nervous. (For example, I was alone and really scared in a hospital once and I played Mr. Medicine by Eliza Doolittle and that actually really helped take my mind off what was scaring me so much). Maybe in your case it would help if you listened to songs that remind you of home or happy moments when you felt relaxed.
    Hopefully this will help a little, thank you for sharing, I think it was very brave of you and you should never ever feel weak or pathetic for feeling like this, everyone is scared or something or finds some situations overwhelming!
    x

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  157. I get like this sometimes too! If you discover a way of helping this I'd love to know! I think this would make a great video someday too, I bet a lot of people can relate :) You are not alone in this Louise!

    VioletDaffodils
    xx

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  158. Hey Louise :)
    I had a problem with stress a few years ago - not much like yours but I thought I'd share it anyway. I suffered with stress so badly (Still not sure what from, potentially just the overwhelming amount of school work, dread and hate of school and a bad reaction to alcohol) and eventually went to the doctor. He gave me an awful diagnosis which was that there was nothing wrong with me and even asked if I was on drugs (quite inappropriately). This then spiralled into me no longer turning up to sixth form very much, not doing very well and overall taking a bad turn.
    Then someone suggested hypnotherapy to me. At first I thought it was stupid because of all the things I've seen on TV but it was nothing like it. I've never felt so comforted and so stress-free. I had 4 sessions and felt a hell of a lot better and used the techniques I learnt there to help me in "real life" situations where I felt the stress.
    If you want to know anymore feel free to contact me raechellej@live.com
    Thank-you for sharing this as I know it's personal but I truely believe it can be helped/conquered step by step. Have a lovely weekend xx

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  159. I just like you so much Louise :) It's so easy to pretend the own life as perfect on a blog, but it's so hard to present the own problems to a large crowd. I am so proud of you that you have been brave enough to post this and it really helps me at the moment because I am studying abroad and sometimes it's so hard and makes me panic, so thank you that you shared this :)
    & I am always feeling so sorry that you had such a bad childhood and I am so happy for you that you are finally happy and have a man like Matt and such a cutie as daughter :) you deserve all the best, you are such an inspiring and lovely person from what I can see on this blog and in your videos.
    I am still always thinking about your talk on vidcon, it was so so so impressive and I can't believe that you were not feeling well then, that makes it even more great! You were so present and charming and witty, just unbelievable that vidcon does not count to your good journeys.

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  160. Oh my god someone else who feels the same, I thought I was being so stupid. I've always wanted to go travelling (and still do) but last month I went to Lanzarote alone and it was so horrible. Everything was unfamiliar, I had no one to help me or take comfort in and I felt so anxious I didn't eat for days at a time. I was meant to stay for 6 months for a job but after a week I made plans to have a flight home. No one understood me at all (the people I worked with who were all non-english native speakers) saying everyone gets homesick and I'll be fine and I should appreciate the sun but I just couldn't do it. If I had had a friend or my boyfriend with me I might have been okay but I'm not travelling alone again :(

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  161. First, your response in these situations DOES NOT MAKE YOU STUPID. With that out of the way, I think you need to let your friends in and tell them what it is you are feeling. I understand that feeling of being a burden but if they know what you are battling they can help battle it with you. I get really anxious around people (new faces or old) and when I'm around people who understand that, I feel more comfortable. It's like you have an alliance. In addition, it seems that you are fixated on this idea of being lost or left behind. Ask your why that is? And what where to happen if you did get lost? Face that fear. Maybe come up with a plan among your travel mates. "If we get split up, we'll immediately meet at x or y." You are a strong woman. You've survived trips! Remember that when the dread sets in. And at the end of the day, there is nothing wrong with craving the home you've created.

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  162. I am 16, but get similar anxieties about new places. In the past when I have gone on school trips (2 occasions, the worst was abroad) I find myself feeling really really sick with worry, to the point where I am actually sick and can't eat. I can't stop worrying and hate not knowing what will happen and when and what it will be like- I hate not knowing what to expect. Like you I need a clear structured plan. I can't enjoy myself in these situations. It was something I either found occured when going for sleep overs at my best friends house- I would worry about everything even what we would have for breakfast even though I knew it would be fine. Over recent years I have found, I worry less, but I do still get these anxities. I like knowing what to expect. I find when it comes to sleepovers I am fine in big groups where you end up staying up all night and constantly chatting so there's no real quiet time for worry to set in my mind. I generally feel less worried if I am with my family. I try and stay occupied with activites with my family/friends that fill up most of the schedule. However, I find it pretty much impossible to get rid of the worry completly. I am so glad to of read this blog post, as now I know I am not the only one who feels like this and that i am not just 'being silly' x

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  163. I always find Louise's deep post relate-able

    Checkout my blog about fashion,beauty and music http://missbellezzateen.blogspot.co.uk/

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  164. Hi Louise. I get like this too. It's not so much about new places/people for me, it's more about not being in control. Last night I had friends over at my flat (I'm at uni) and I had a 'mini freak-out' and went to my room. It just made me feel worse that nobody noticed. Even though I didn't actually want them to notice and to be an inconvenience to them. I wanted to be in the kitchen with my friends and flatmates, but when I went back in I just felt like rubbish again so I went back to my room.It's horrible and I hate it. It means that I can't get close to people in the way that I want to sometimes. I try not to psycho analyse myself, but I'm pretty sure that it's because my mum used to abuse me when I was younger. She hasn't for years, and I thought we had a pretty good relationship now, but since coming to uni I have realised that there are still issues there that haven't been resolved. And I hate that too, because I can't fix it from here. My mum lives away from me now, and even if I was still at home, I wouldn't know how to fix it.
    Sorry for the essay! I just needed to tell someone and typing it out helps me to feel more in control. Especially since there is only one person that I could talk to about this and he's ignoring me because he thinks my freak out was about him.
    Thanks for sharing your feelings and helping me to feel less alone Louise!
    Alys.

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  165. Louise, I would love to sit down with you, over a nice hot chocolate (plenty of cream please) and just talk.
    I feel like you do everyday of my life and I don't think the people around us could every really understand that panic, but we love them for trying. I sent a message similar to yours to my friends only a few days ago about how frustration I must be sometimes and tried to explain why. It felt good to get it off my chest. I had a few issues when I was younger, and although I have fought through them, they will never be gone. There are still days when I hate myself and hurt myself because of it, but when I feel safe again, when I feel myself again, I feel relief. We can't change the past, but it can help our future I think. We suffer and cry, but we pull ourselves through it and every time we overcome an obstacle we become stronger. Remember that.

    And music. Putting my headphones into my ears and calming myself with a few soothing songs seems to put me in a good place

    Kezzy
    xxx

    http://kezzy-lou.blogspot.co.uk/

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  166. Hello, Louise!

    First, I want to say that I think you are amazing and your videos are a highlight of my day when I watch them. Secondly, your fear of the unknown and desire for the known and security are totally understandable considering what you have shared with us regarding your childhood. People seem to not really understand that childhood is when so much of us is formed, when we are introduced to the way the world works and the way that the world interacts with us. Your introduction to the world and the ways of people was not 100% pleasant, and considering that a female figure was behind the negativity, it makes sense that you would feel more secure around the opposite. And never feeling safe in the one place you should feel safe: home?? It is no wonder that you seek out the familiar and the stabilizing qualities of strong, loving figures in your life. In a way, it seems as if you don't trust the unknown because for a great deal of your life, the known wasn't a very trust-inspiring place. I could literally talk about this forever, truly, but I'm going to say one final thing.

    This is your life, and coping is something we learn to do. If you want to learn how to cope differently, you can try CBT or some other method that helps you to view things through a different lens. But PLEASE don't ever apologize to anyone or feel bad about the way that you cope with trauma or sadness or anything, because the people who truly care for you will understand and still care for you. Even us internet people.

    (P.S. I think your glitter chats instead of the meet and greets are an amazing idea. You are hilarious and an awesome orator.)

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  167. I can definitely relate to this Louise. Whilst I absolutely love to visit new countries and places (I'm absolutely ok with travelling) whenever I arrive somewhere new I'm overcome with a massive sense of homesickness. It's made better if I'm with my family, but if I go away with friends all I want to do is come back home again.

    I remember when I was 15 I went on holiday with my best friend and her family for two weeks. I almost said no to the trip because I was so worried about getting homesick. True to form I did, and spent the entire time ringing back home, marking off the days until I was back on a calendar, and burst into tears when one day my phone stopped working. It wasn't that I wasn't close with my friend and her family, but something about being so far away from home with no immediate family made me feel very alone.

    6 years later and I'm still the same. I cried so much before going away on a girls holiday with my friends a couple of years back, and only lasted a week moving out for uni (although that was combined with lots of other things). It's like I need familiarity and comfort in my life. Even when I go and visit friends in various parts of the country, I hate to be away for more than one night.

    I've just started a new job in London, which has meant moving in with my grandparents during the week, two hours from home. I'm absolutely fine whilst I'm at work, but as soon as get back in the evenings I get so sad and homesick, even in a house I've spent time in since I was a child. I'm now currently home again for the weekend, but already getting teary about having to go back on Monday.

    I honestly really worry about what I'll be like when I eventually move out properly. I'm 21 and I know I can't live at home forever, but I really worry how I'll cope.

    Sorry this was such a long rambly comment. It must be a horrible feeling for you, especially as you'll be away for so many events during the year.

    I don't know if it's something you'll ever be able to shake off for good, but I definitely think reminding yourself about all the positive reasons you're away does help a little, at least it does for me anyway. If you've got through trips before, you can certainly do it again, and you'll always have the people you love waiting for you when you return.

    x

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  168. Louise, you should try CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). It really works for these kind of anxieties. Have you considered this could be a form of agoraphobia? All the best x x

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  169. This is weird, I'm the same.. I thought it was just me. I'm not too bad with certain places and I think it also depends on who i'm with. I went to Amsterdam over the summer with my friends and although it was lovely I was so homesick and was really upset everyday being there, it's a bit embarrassing but it's just one of those things I suppose x
    graciousghost.blogspot.com

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  170. I know exactly how you feel! I've felt that way for as long as I can remember. Like you, I also grow up in an abusive home, and it may be a factor but I've never really looked into it.

    Dealing with it honestly Louise, I pray. I try and clear my head by taking deep breathes in and out and asking God to help me and to be my strength, because I can't do it by myself.

    There's a verse in Deuteronomy 31:6, which says "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." and I just pray it through in my head as I'm either heading to the place or while I'm there.

    I've also found that writing about the experience helps. Just letting it out in some expression tends to release some of the pent up anxiety, dread and nausea.

    This is a bit long and ramble-ly and I don't know if you'll read it, but I hope it helps you.

    Love.

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  171. It's clear that there are many of us out there suffering the same feelings as you Louise, so first of all well done and thank you for sharing your experiences and showing us that we aren't alone in feeling this way. I often get cross at myself for getting so worked up when I should be enjoying myself, as I feel the tears filling up and the lump in my throat I'm shouting at myself in my head 'stop it, don't cry, what are you getting upset for???' I'm the kind of person that gets confidence from proving I can do things to myself, so if I manage a trip where I felt mainly ok, even just one night, I'm like 'high five Jenn, you did it and it was fine!' So the more I do things the better I feel. I don't know if that technique would work for you or others but I think back to them and it helps me realise I can do things. Hope this helps ♡ Jenn

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  172. Louise, I love how honest this post is. It reminded me that everything doesn't have to be perfect all the time! I struggle with changes too, but I try to make myself see the challenges as an adventure and hope for the best!
    Sending you love, Amy xxx
    Messing With A Dreamer

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  173. Anxiety attacks dont need to be a sudden burst of adrenaline, it can build up over time and peak at points. This is called generalized anxiety and can often be a result of feeling insecure and out of control. Every single one of us will experience fear in our lives, sometimes more so than others, you're not alone. It can make you want to pass out and feel as though something terrible might happen the question 'what if?' Is your worst enemy. Try eliminating that question. Focus completely on removing it from your life. You'd be surprised at the results. Hope this helps lovely

    Holly xx
    Www.hollysbeautybox.co.uk

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  174. This is amazing that you wrote this :) I get anxious and terrified about things that I don't even understand sometimes, but I'm not sure if I know any coping tips for this specific situation. I don't know if it would help you, but when I feel really scared on when I just really can't handle things anymore, I'll take some natural stress relief things. My friend recommended them to me and they come in a bunch of different forms like candies or gum or a drink mix and a couple of other things :) I'm sorry if this doesn't help you at all. Another thing I try to do sometimes is focus on only one thing, like a purple curtain and try to think only about that thing. Maybe, translated more to what your situation is, it would be like focusing on something that seems familiar and safe in a place where you can't find anything? I hope this makes some sense. I really hope this gets better for you! You don't sound silly :) This is something that's really affected you and if it bothers you, it should never be called dumb or silly!
    <3 Katie
    http://luvelylittlelulladoll.blogspot.ca/

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  175. This reminds me so much of one of my best friends! I don't think it is that bad in her - it always helps her a lot when she calls her dad for example. I remember one holiday when her cell phone got lost and she was acitng a bit itchy and stressed out for a day or two (this was before smartphones - so it wasn't that weird to not contact your parents/family for a few days when on holiday), but then I said 'don't you want to call home on my phone' and afterwards she felt so much better. I think it's nice that I now know what she needs when she isn't feeling well in a new place. But still it is nice to read some experiences from someone who has this kind of feelings as well, so I can learn how to help my friend when she needs it.

    I love it that you also write blog posts about this kind of things!

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  176. Love reading your posts, your an amazing writer, I sometimes get like that too when I go travelling

    http://doinglifemyway.com

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  177. I have just returned to blogging after years!!! anyway its all changed with quality, any suggestions on the camera i should get x

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  178. Hello i really enjoyed reading your last post. It took me back to when i was living at home. Love your blog its so pretty and pink. If you have any time on your hands can you check my blog out too but dont worry if its not your thing i totally understand xx http://sarahluberts.blogspot.co.uk/search/label/Skin

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  179. Aloha Louise!

    First of all, I would like to say a big thank you for sharing this with us - I can only imagine what a big step it must have been for you. I think it was really brave and not at all pathetic!

    That leads me to my second point: please don't ever feel like having psychological problems is a failure. I've had to deal with an eating disorder for three and a half years now and in the beginning, I was so ashamed of admitting it. I thought - much like you - that I was just being pathetic and felt like a big failure. However, when I started therapy last year, I slowly began to realize that it was not my fault that I had this disorder and that I needed to be a lot more kind to myself. Just look at people in the street - almost every single one of them will have some sort of psychological problem and most of them would have a much better life if they started a therapy. It really is up to you what you make of it. The fact that you stood up and shared your problems just shows what an amazing woman you are. You are so brave and strong, Louise. You could just sit at home and feel sorry for yourself, but instead you speak up about this problem.
    I actually think that it probably comes from your unstable childhood, as you already have guessed - and it's no wonder that you're having these problems now. Anyone would have developed mental issues with such a past. In fact, many psychological problems such as yours come from a troubled early childhood. So please, don't think it's your fault.

    I realise that this comment will be quite long, but really, this is such an important point to me: you are gorgeous, Louise. This panic does neither define you, nor do you have to feel like a failure for it. You are strong and beautiful and I whole-heartedly wish you all the best! I'm sure you can find a way to cope with this. :)

    Lots of love, you great woman Xx

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  180. I've never really commented on anything really, but, I have to if theres a chance no matter how small that you/ll see it. first off, wow, seriously you are the stuff that I wish could be bottled into tiny jars and sold as pure inspiration. ( that might have been weird but the meaning was well meant) i have anxiety, I have a long term illness and thus those two makes for an interesting frightening travel panic and constant worry of being trapped in a foreign place from sickness and not being able to rely on myself, mentally or psychically. The stuff of nightmares. And i have always watched your videos and felt a real sense of confidence and assurance and just good feels. So to read this and understand that through the camera your feelings can be quite different in foreign places is surprising. in the most amazing way. you are doing it, you have done it and that to me is the definition of trying and not giving up. I haven't got any super awesome advice but what I will say is you seem to know a lot about how, why and what this is and does to you when your out. keep learning, the more I learn and dig deep about my anxiety the more I realise what it is and naturally, where it comes from and finally how I can help it.

    sending love and thanks for your honesty.

    Amy xoxo

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  181. Similarly to you, I hate change. It's nothing to be ashamed of or put yourself down for, just another life thing to cope with. Keep your head up and smile, things will get easier!!

    xo
    www.katelately.com

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  182. I love new places and experiences and do not find this "silly" whatsoever. Instead, I found this text reflected courage and honesty. You're incredibly brave for writing this and opening up to so many (that's what I adore about you.)

    I strongly believe this fear has roots somewhere and has been developed because of something and it seems you're aware of it as well. Here's an amazing quote for you: "When you change the way you look at things. The things you look at change."

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  183. It might sound silly but whenever I go to a new town the first thing I do is to look up the closest café and make my way there. It might help even more if it´s one I recognize, like a Starbucks. I grab a coffee and just sit there and watch people, the pace of the city and how people behave and what they wear. Sort of sampling the atmosphere I suppose. So when I go out there later on to do whatever I came there to do it´s now semi-familiar instead of strange and scary. Helps a lot!

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  184. I would love to tell you that I found a magic cure, or there is a big red button you can press to take all the anxiety away. You can search for tips to help but honestly some people just don't cope being away from their home and their family. I feel most comfortable in my bedroom, I know where everything is and know that it is my place to be myself. Traveling is extremely challenging for me, I don't go to friends houses, I don't like holidaying and I don't even feel comfortable in the workplace.
    Anxiety is a crazy unexplained thing, it can come on in situations with no rhyme nor reason. I know the feeling of being somewhere unknown, plastering a weak smile upon your face, constantly mumbling reassurances to yourself to keep you going until you can get away. I find some comfort in knowing others feel this way also. Others understand how horrible it is to be in a room panicking and looking around wondering how everyone else is coping, Why aren't they freaking out like me? And then thinking I must be crazy because everyone else seems fine.

    I don't know how you feel about prayer but let me say it has been the only thing to ever bring me some peace, how wonderful it is to know you can pass all your worries and fears over to God.

    http://uk.pinterest.com/pin/540291286520529686/ I found this poem online which expressed my feelings quite well.

    I wish you every success, God Bless xx

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  185. I've had bad experiences in my childhood that basically makes me fear leaving the house without a chaperon. I've since improved slightly in which I can now go to supermarkets on my own and not feel so afraid or worried that someone will try to approach me and take me away. It's strange to say as well, but I seem to always attract the wrong kind of attention, which is why I refuse to leave. I don't think I have coping skills either. The only reason I venture out to stores is because I need food and buying beauty products make me happy. I've also started to learn that besides being afraid of the public sector, I am also incredibly insecure. Now I just try tell myself that I'm a grown up and grown ups have confidence enough to venture out to do some grocery shopping :)

    I hope you find ways to ease the worry Louise. Sending you lots of big hugs, hand squeezes, and warm vibes :)

    Arianne

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  186. Good for you, Louise! I know this wasn't the easiest blog post to write, but it's soooooooooooo nice to be reminded that we are NOT the only ones who worry and stress over 'silly' things. ;) Thanks.

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  187. I went on holiday with a friend to Spain once and hated every second. I constantly called home and she got so annoyed at me. I felt I needed that 'connection' to my life in order to stay sane. I'm the same in really busy places. I can only go to cities like London if i'm with family or my partner who knows how freaked the crowds and scale of the place gets me.


    Again, like you, I don't want to seem high maintenance so don't bother telling people. Mostly they'd just say 'you're an adult, get on with it', SO much easier said than done though, ey.

    Carrie x

    www.cleanbakerun.com

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  188. I just want to hug you reading this Louise! love you xxxxxx
    http://ruuuuuby.blogspot.co.uk/

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  189. Louise, you are literally the most amazing, honest and down to earth person. Thank you for being so open, lovely and inspiring to so many people, i dont know how you do it xxxxx

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  190. Wow, as someone who grew up abroad (and now as a flight attendant) I'm completely the opposite. I love new places and new things, but I think for everyone there is that sense of no control, unfamiliar surroundings, and just strange things in general.
    I think surrounding yourself with people who understand, i.e. Matt, Zoe....is a good thing, and when that's not possible, maybe try to bring as many little home comforts as you can. My friend is currently in Thailand with her boyfriend, and she brought everything, even her own tea cup! Little things like that can help I'm sure.
    I think the most important thing is what you've done here; to articulate your feelings, no matter how bonkers you think they are, and how much of a pain you THINK you're being, your feelings are valid and important, and you should let yourself feel them.
    I do hope you find something that chills you out more...personally as long as I can get my hands on Cadbury's I'm grand ;)
    Lots of hugs,
    Jo

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  191. Hi Louise!

    I have recently taken a psychopathology class at university, and although I am NOT qualified to diagnose you at all, what you're talking about is reminding me of separation anxiety or perhaps a type of agoraphobia... or maybe even a specific phobia of new places.
    I REALLY encourage you to seek treatment from a psychologist, because we learned in my class that phobias respond really well to treatment!! I think it could really help.

    Know that we all love you LOADS and we are always here for you! I hope you start to feel better! <3 :)

    Love,
    Jessica

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  192. I am so, sooo glad that you chose to share this with us; I can relate to what you're feeling in every way, it is incredibly reassuring be able to identify with you, and I honestly feel inspired by you to try and overcome this 'thing', whatever it may be. The fact that you feel all these things and STILL challenge yourself to get involved in all the things that trigger it (did that even make sense?! haha) shows an immense amount of strength and courage, and I am really grateful to have you as a role model. I think that we really need to start challenging the stigma that just because people may be adults, they are supposed to be able to cope with anything. No problem is trivial, and it shouldn't be something you have to feel embarrassed or worried about telling people. :) xxx

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  193. I tried to leave a message but saying too long grrr,will try and email you hun xx♥xx

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  194. I can't say I exactly understand how you feel but I understand how it feels to feel unsafe in certain situations. I wish I could give better advice to you but I think seeking help will be the most beneficial. There is no shame in how you feel. EVERYONE has their stuff! It's lovely to have a forum like this to get help. Good Luck Louise! I hope you can gain some coping tools before you head up to New York! prayers are sent your way! xoxo

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  195. Hey Louise :) To be honest I only have some problems when I go to a different city totally alone. It's okay for me when I know people there and know where I need to go and stuff like that. So that's not such a big deal for me, but I can imagine how you feel cause I am sometimes very stressed in other situations, that some of my friends wouldn't eben by bothered by.
    I can't really give you any tips, but I just wish you good luck for the trips you havs ahead of you! ♥

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  196. I feel the same about new places and it pushes me back like i can't go on trips with school and go to sleep overs even going to my dads and to my grandmas house. Don't be sad about it. Don't worry what people think its very hard to write a post like this. I really hope you find some way of helping this so you can have a fun time at New York x

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Thank you for comment!
Sprinkleofglitter xxx

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