As I scrolled through Pinterest this morning looking for Motivational Monday inspiration, I came across this and knew it was perfect.
Some weeks I know exactly what I want to discuss, some weeks there is nothing I want to share and some weeks, like this one, are so full that I don't know where to start. I thought this was apt since it covers a lot of bases.
You would not believe how many times I have written and deleted this blog post. I want to open up and spill my heart out but I'm so conflicted because I also want to maintain my personal standards of using this space to only document and highlight good moments rather than focus on or glorify the bad.
Right now, in this season of life, I feel torn.
Glitter World is sparkling. I've had an amazing LouiseLIVE tour with sell out theatres, a hugely successful book launch with a wonderful book tour, I'm proud of my recent videos, I feel so much love through social media and I have one more exciting thing to launch this summer as well as a tonne of travel plans. I'm so pleased. Last year I felt that I put Glitter World on the back burner whilst I dealt with my breakup but since January I have been getting on my feet and I'm feeling very healed and very able again. In fact, at the start of April my lovely Manager commented that she was glad I was 'back'. It feels good. I love this world so much.
Motherhood too is going well. I've (we've) chosen a great school for Darcy to start at in September, I'm enjoying lots of great Summer activities with her and she continues just to be an absolute joy in my life. Matt and I have a pretty good time share arrangement with her that I think we are managing really well, we're both flexible and we both make sure to spend time as a 3 doing something nice almost weekly because we want to show Darcy that Mummy and Daddy respect and care about one and other, even though we aren't in love anymore. I am glad she will have her happy family memories and also, I'm glad to spend time with Matt because despite not being on Team Marriage anymore, we'll always be on Team Parent together. It's nice.
And here's the conflicting part. I feel afraid quite often.
I do these big events where I meet hundreds of you and you say such wonderful things and I say them back and we have these moments of such amazingness and community and people and buzz and wow and then suddenly, in an instant, I'm sat alone in a lovely hotel room booked by the publishers, with nobody to talk to or tell my day to and I look out the window at the canals below and think, 'I have to appreciate this alone. I have to enjoy and savour this moment by myself. There is nobody that cares about this as much as I do and so this is all on me'. And that is a big burden. I like to share things and experience moments with people and often, there are no people to share them with.
I think I might be sounding like I'm saying, 'uurrrggghhhhh I need a boyfriend to rescue meeeee', but I'm not. If I could have one of my friends just come and do my life with me all the time I would freaking love it haha. Sadly, the logistics of having a friend devote themselves to my work schedule is rather a lot to ask!!
I guess what I'm saying is that I'm struggling with learning to live in the quiet moments. When you have such thrilling amazing things happen that give you such a high, it's a mighty big drop when you come back down to earth and if there is nobody there waiting to grab your hand as you fall, it's rough.
Lately I have been focusing a lot on self care. On finding things to do in the quiet moments that don't involve reaching out to other people to lift me up but instead look at ways to help myself. My friends are always there in times of need but I'm working on turning 'times of need', into 'times of want'.
I've been making brave choices (shall I do a blog post on these? I feel like that would be uplifting and potentially uplifting?) and embracing new experiences so this I feel is a big leap forward.
Sooooo, at the moment, life is smooth seas with a few storms and I'm leaning to navigate them as best I can.
If you feel like things are hard, know that I am with you. I'm facing challenges too and we will learn to be such wonderful sailors because of it.