I'm such a jumble of emotions at this moment and with Matt out to dinner and my friends not answering their phones (how dare they have lives on a Saturday night?), this pastel coloured little slice of the net will be my outlet.
(All images from my insta)
There is a huge rain storm raging at the moment where I live and as I popped up to Darcy's room to close the window a bit, I found myself crawling into her bed and laying with her whilst she slept. I looked at her mouth and her eyelashes and her eyebrows and tiny finger nails. I noted the way she must always have her comfort blanket a certain way and always holds dolly to her chest and I watched her breath and wondered what innocent dreams were playing out in her little head. I almost cried. I don't know why.
I wasn't sad or overjoyed or overwhelmed or worried. I just felt sort of sad for the person I'm not.
I'm not the organic earth mother that provides only wooden Montessori toys and I'm not the power suit career woman who wears red lipstick like a pro. I'm not the wife who asks if her Husband slept well each morning (or ever) and yet I'm not the woman who hold court in a trendy bar whilst people adore her every move. Is anyone any of these things? Can you be all of them at once?
Life is such a frustrating concoction of trying to be happy, trying to make other people happy, trying to succeed, trying to be humble, trying, trying, trying.
My frustration is that I want to be all things 100% but with only 100 of those pesky per cents to go round, you gotsta spread them out a bit. That's the hard part. How many of those per cents do you give to being the heart warming, open armed mother? And how many do you give to being the witty livewire at a party (NB- I have never been the 'witty livewire', it's on my to-do list and a girl can speculate ok)? Am I sacrificing some of the good wife per cents to be a career woman? But doesn't being a good career woman provide for my family and so enhance the mother percentage slice? You see the frustration?
I don't have the answers. This isn't one of those fabulous posts (that I do oh-so-often har har) that leaves you with a wonderfully upbeat solution to life's unanswerable questions but more a pontification. Something that trickled into my mind this evening as I watched my three year old sleep an easy sleep. I want to give her all of my per cents for always.