Merry Monday to you. The start of a new week and a chance to wipe the slate clean and try again. That's pretty exciting don't you think?
I'm going to be quite personal in today's blog post. I generally go with the notion of 'never air your laundry in public' but today, I kind of am. I'm going to do it in the most classy way I can and I'm doing it with reflection and learning in mind, not spite or malice.
Last year, I fell for a man. He was charismatic and charming and told me all the things my broken heart yearned to hear. He promised me the world and perhaps foolishly, I believed he would give me it. At the time, I felt like I loved him. Looking back with fresh eyes I'm not sure I did but during those months, it felt so incredibly real.
I made plans. I imagined our live together. I spent hours talking to him, we had trips together and days out and talked of this amazing future. I felt like we were on the same wavelength and wanted the same things in life. We had similar energies and bounced off each other creatively.
But, he lied. He lied about big things. He lied to me and he lied to other people. I knew he did but instead of being smart and walking away, I thought it would change or that I would change him. I think it was probably selfish to cling on to that hope. It was selfish because I thought I could have what I wanted- the dream he promised me. Deep down, very very deep down, I knew I couldn't.
As time went on, I realised this man didn't love me. He might have said he did and thought he did, but his actions told me he didn't.
Fortunately for us both, everything stopped at the end of 2015. No more daily chats, no more trips, no more fun days, no more presents to my house, no more anything.
It was painful and hard and came at a time where I felt very vulnerable and rubbish but truly, was a blessing. I had just started my counselling and had just started to want for a life as just Team Louise&Darcy (he was never a part of D's life but in my head I imagined that one day he would be) and quickly and steadily, I got over it all. Zero contact, nothing on social media, life picked up. Things got good again.
From time to time, I thought about him. I thought about how hurt I was to have been lied to and let down and how when I allowed myself to be in another relationship, I would make sure it was with a man who cherished me and wanted me (and yay now I am!).
For a good part of a year, I thought I was going to have an amazing thing. When I came to my senses and realised I might not, instead of accepting it, I carried on thinking, hoping, working towards it happening. I wasted my time. Sometimes you cannot change things. Sometimes the world doesn't work how you want it to and the best thing you can do is say, 'OK, I will manage, I will find a new path'. I wish I had done that sooner last year.
This weekend I saw the man in question and thought, 'what a difference a year makes'. I looked at him and instead of seeing the guy I thought was made just for me, I just saw a guy.
Letting go takes courage and I'm glad all those months ago I found it because life is so beautiful now.
I hope if any of you are going through anything similar that you can find the courage to make the right choice. It's often hard to tell whether you should stick and work at something or when it's time to move on but think hard on it and you'll know. I'm sending you big loves if you are confused and scared, I've been there. Once you let go of the exhausting exercise of trying to change the unchangeable, you are free. It's incredibly liberating feeling to just accept a situation and move on, let go and carry on with your life. Anybody can do it, even if you think you can't.
I'd like to add, to the guy who was what he was, I wish no ill fate. I hope he lives a lovely life and finds his own peace because I've found mine and it's bliss.
Bit of a deep one this week and definitely a more personal story than I'd usually go for but I thought it might be valuable for someone out there who is also struggling to see that even with some of the hardest things at the hardest times, you can get through, accept you cant change a thing and come out so much happier than you thought you can.