Oh Hai,
Do you know how many blog posts I have started and not completed this past couple of months? Six. Six half written blog posts that started with the best of intentions and then either the motivation slipped away, I chickened out or I just felt it wasn't good enough.
I wanted tonight to write a blog post just to say Hi, let you know how I'm feeling where I'm at, no big deal. Sometimes when you leave something for too long, it becomes a frightening thing that you struggle to get back into and I think that's what's happened here. I've made it a 'thing'.
I'm un-'thinging' it. This is my blog, my space, my slice of internet to muse about crap and junk and not care too much. If I wanted to be super crazy serious I'd write a book....oh wait. That's not to say I don't think other blogs are serious by the way, I just think I need to stop placing so much intensity on mine. It's not a 'money-making' platform (I do the odd sponsored post but it isn't a main source of income), I don't currently heavily promote it and it's not my most current thing (you know, like how insta stories are all the rage). But, this blog was my first. My big step into the online world and the start of it all so it deserves some respect for that.
I love this blog. Love tiptapping on the keys. I love the bones of it as they say up north. Does anyone here say that??
So, lately it feels as though a fog has lifted. I don't want to jinx it and am acutely aware that this could change any moment but for the past ten days or so, I've felt myself and that's felt good. I've been able to work hard, to arrange social things, to enjoy vlogging and to be more exciting as a Mum to my six year old.
Pregnancy is a crazy fox to tame. Your body is under strain, your mind is full of all sorts and your hormones are all over the shop. The first three months were fairly standard with nausea and exhaustion but what has hit me hardest has been the mental effects. I have felt so down, so flat and so lost.
I'm generally a very chipper person, always looking on the bright side and always managing a bit of get-up-and-go but since finding out I was pregnant, that seems to have hugely dissipated and I've been left feeling like I'm loosing it. I started to suspect I perhaps had mild pre-natal-depression and spoke to some of my good friends about it. A couple (Jessica and Emma I'm looking at you) were fantastic and one, rather painfully, not to nice at all.
A week later (after failing to bring myself to talk to my midwife at our appointment), Liam and I took Darcy to the park to collect conkers and whilst she played on the swings, I sat on a bench (with a hand bag full of conkers) and cried my eyes out. Full, snotty, heaving cry in a public place with no tissues to hand-yay and you'll be glad to know, my gloves were machine washable! I told Liam how low I felt, how shit as a mother and girlfriend and general human I felt and how I feared I would never recover.
Liam said, 'I think you're really suffering and I'm here for you'. I didn't sit on that park bench and feel jubilant but I did feel like a weight was off my shoulders.
It is very hard to admit you're not feeling well but when you do, it's such a relief.
After bench-gate, I decided to take it day by day. I mentioned how I felt to my stepmum Tina and she was very kind. Emma was a constant support and Jessica showed great care. Liam let me take my problems and give them to him. I had a bit of a team.
Emma and Jessica suggested I speak to my GP or midwife (as did Liam actually) but each day, I started to feel a bit more 'me'. I kept thinking, 'Oh wow it's nice to have a good day' or 'Oooh I haven't cried or obsessed or frantically fretted today'. I started to be able to watch programmes and not think it would happen to me or Darcy (I would watch something with any violence or trauma and couldn't get it out of my head that it was fiction), I stopped having nightmares.
Now, it's been about a week and a half. It's not a 'oh hooray that thing has 100% gone forever' but just having this 10 days has reminded me of who I am and reminded me that even if that fog descends again, I'll be back. Having the support of my main people and being encouraged to reach out to the Dr if I need to has also been hugely comforting to me.
There's no big hurrah to this update. No big life lesson other than to say, there were quite a few rubbish days but lately, the fog has lifted and it's been good. Long may it continue!
If you have felt like me, for whatever reason (pregnancy related or not), speak to someone. I know that's so cliche and boring but after 24 weeks of not really saying much, when I did, it REALLY has a positive impact.
Feel free to comment below with your thoughts on this post, I'd love to hear them.
Big Loves,
Toodlepip!
Louise xx
