Why I'm 'Quitting' My YouTube Channel

Oh Hi, 

This is the kind of blog post I feel like I need to take a deep breath before writing. The kind that I need to sit in a quiet room and type fast sentences with long pauses for thought. I've been doing this for almost 7 years but still, there are posts where I feel nervous, like it's my first, and I am tentative yet buzzy with energy for. 

If you're reading this, you have most likely hopped over from my video. I've not filmed that video at the time of writing this. I decided I'd put all my thoughts down here, succinctly and carefully and then in the video I can freely chatter about it and if something is missed, I won't feel that pang of panic when you forget something, because it'll be securely noted here. This blog post is my safety net I guess.

(A very real picture. This is what I look like as I type this post. My necklace is wonky, my hair's a bit frizzy and those roots need some help, I don't have any concealer on and if I'm honest, some of that is yesterday's mascara. For a long time I've tried to be perfect. It's exhausting.)

Here goes. 

Sprinkle of Glitter (the blog) began one late Autumn night on Sept 20th 2009. Two months prior I'd bought a tiny fixer-upper house with my then fiance and I wanted somewhere to document the DIY we did in it. It was set to be a 3 month Autumn project to keep me busy when boredom set in. I'd had a lot of projects before that (my stint volunteering at the cattery, my obsession with Japanese seed beads, a failed attempt at daily baking etc etc) and so this felt no different. I wasn't one to stick at things. 

As the months rolled by, my love for the community around blogging deepened and once the house was finished, I didn't feel like the blog was. I transitioned it from DIY to beauty and in January 2010, set up a YouTube channel, also called Sprinkle of Glitter. 

When Sprinkle of Glitter started, I was a 24 year old PA in a corporate (aka so, so dull) office. I was engaged, planning a wedding, making new friends in a town I hadn't lived in for 6 years, doing up a house and basically, just finding my footing with adulthood. Life was sweet and so was I. 

Seven years later and a lot has happened. If you've been following all these years, some of this will be familiar. If not, let me fill you in. 

I had a big white wedding and we fixed up our house. We planned for and were blessed with a beautiful baby girl (Darcy) and lived happily and lovingly as a family of three (four if you count the grouchy old cat called Mindy that we adopted). Then, as many couples do, we drifted apart, couldn't fix our differences and parted ways to start new chapters separately. A big life thing. 

Over the past two years I've adjusted to single parenthood and acutely felt all the ups and downs that come with it. It still feels like I'm getting to grips with it and new things are still being experienced. As I write this, Darcy is on a holiday with her Dad and his partner. It's the longest I've ever been away from her and whilst I'm pleased for her having this experience and glad she is so loved by them, a part of my heart aches for her to be home with me. It's a hard mix of emotions. Each time something new happens in the shared parenting/single mother arena, the next time feels easier. There are lows but of course, lots of highs too. I'm learning how to navigate and 2 years in, I feel OK. I'll probably touch on this more in the future. 

I've tried my hand at dating, or 'disaster dating' as I've referred to it over copious glasses of fizz with my friends and hope that one day soon I'll fully love and allow myself to be fully loved in return. Although my heart is squishy and open to the idea, it's also fiercely protective of Darcy and any repercussions my love life could have on her. Tricky tricky. 

In the last few years, I've learnt a lot more about what friendship is, what it means to me and the type of friend I am to other people. I've had moments where I've felt so thankful to the people in my life that I could burst. Friends that will pick you up off the floor, shivvy you along even when you're crying, laugh with you over nothing, chatter for hours, embark on tiny adventures (Emma- the time we ran breathlessly from the pub cackling all the way down the road, I'm thinking about this right now!), cheer for you in your success and fill your heart, those are friends. 

I've had some big years. I've had amazing highs and frankly, some pretty awful lows. I've had some 'dig deep' moments and have enjoyed the feeling of always plodding on, always finding the best in each day and always enjoying whatever I have. 

Personal life, you have been a big ass roller coaster. 

Professional life, so have you!! 

I no longer work in the stuffy office of dullness. Instead, quite unexpectedly, social media has become my full time gig and it's all because of you. Your reading, your watching, your support, your kind comments, your love, has turned this late night Autumn project into a blossoming business. Thank you. A million times, thank you.

I was going to do a round up of everything Sprinkle of Glitter has offered in the last 7 years but it's way too much. It has just been incredible. I'm going to have to write an entire post of it's own on it next month because I think it deserves to be documented. I've made life long friends, experienced things I never thought possible, met unbelievable people, travelled, created, published, designed and lived fully. It's hard to express in a paragraph how much has happened- it's been life changing. 

And so to my point. When I began all this, my life was so different, I was different. I was sweet and sugary and untarnished I guess. In almost a decade (woah), I've had knocks and scrapes and growth and life. I'm different. I'm still me, but I'm an older (maybe wiser?) me. I still see life through positive eyes and I still laugh at the ridiculous but I'm an adult. Life isn't all blessings and giggles. Life is loud and vibrant and amazing and gentle and rough and everything in between. I am those things too sometimes. 

As I've grown in my real life, I haven't allowed myself to grow in my online one. I've kept everything rosey and sweet and although I've shared vulnerable moments and been very honest, I've always sugar coated, held back and tried very hard not to offend. 

As an audience grows in size as mine has done (woohoo), so do the amount of opinions you have thrown at you. You're not honest enough, you're sharing too much, you're boring, you're immature, you're using this for views, you're not showing enough of that, you're saying things you shouldn't, you should come out of your shell more. You simply cannot win. 

In a bid to try to though, I've held back. A lot. I've kept things sweet and nice and plodded along reasonably unscathed by the dreaded trolls and haters. I've played it safe. I've stayed inside my box. 

I'm so, so bored. 

My sense of humour is dirty and my life is adult. I like to do shots with my Mummy friends (not with our littles around obviously!), I like to say, 'fuck' and I sometimes, heaven forfend, take Darcy on adventure days that go on past her bedtime. I'm not perfect. I'm don't live a princessy life in a house made of candycanes (although that does sound cool), I just do normal things. I'm 31, I work, I play. I'm so bored of making things I know will just coast by, not upsetting the apple cart. I want to run free and enjoy it. 

I still do want to make videos about the usuals (hauls, motherhood, collabs) but I want to just let myself go more. I need to shed this sugary sweet sparkles and unicorns thing and just say, 'hey, my name is Louise Pentland. I'm a nice gal, doing my best, dating, mumming, enjoying myself, let's share and talk and enjoy'. 

I want to make videos about the hideous dates I've been on, heck, I'd like to make videos talking brazenly about some of the sex I've had. I'd like to make videos talking about Motherhood not just in a light way like I do now but I'd like to tell you what I find hard without you thinking I'm a shit mother or what I find easy without you thinking I'm being smug. I want to make videos about my journey with religion and faith. I want to talk openly about my relationship with the church and what it means to me. I'd like to be able to openly admit that I don't like choker necklaces or those little circle framed sunglasses with blue mirrored lenses! I'd like to run free with my sense of humour, I'd like to be able to have adult conversations, aimed at adults, even though I know some (although not the main proportion) of my audience are young. 

What I really want for the next seven years, and hopefully with your blessing, is to step forward and just be the person I am. More raw, more real, more me. 

What do you think? Are you chill with that? 

Toodlepip

xx

PS- I'm dropping, 'Aloha Sprinklerinos'. New greetings ideas needed!